


Three Jobs, One Lifeline

by acrazyworldofdreams



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: ANGST IS COMING, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Flirting, Business, CEO, Cheolsoo, Classical Music, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Coping with anxiety, Developing Relationship, Didn't I mention this was super long burn.....hmmm maybe not, Don't y'all just love a happy ending?, First Kiss, Flirting, Jun POV, Jun is an adorable softie, JunHao - Freeform, Junhao in the house!, M/M, Main relationship is Cheolsoo, Major Illness, Maybe a bit of Junhao, Mentioned Choi Minho, Mentioned Kim Samuel, Mentioned Wen Jun Hui | Jun, New Year's Eve, Party, Past history with Taemin, Sad Wonwoo, Seuncheol in pain, Shopping, Singing, Slow Burn, Soonhoon - Freeform, Soonyoung's POV, Worried Minghao, Worried Soonyoung, low mood, meanie, oh hello Lee Jinki, personal experiences of anxiety, secret Shinee stan, seungcheol is not in great shape, so soft for minghao and jun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-01-21 13:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 78,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12458943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/pseuds/acrazyworldofdreams
Summary: Joshua works all day and every weekend, whilst still attending University. He works himself into the ground, without taking a break until a new job opportunity becomes a lifeline he could never have imagined.





	1. Joshua and his jobs

Joshua never stopped. If he even had a second to think about how crazy his life was he would probably collapse into a pile on his bed and never get up again. But he couldn’t. He could never stop. When he wasn’t at one of his jobs, he was at lectures or doing his university work. His days rotated around like clockwork, from when he arose at 6am, to start his first job of the day, to past 12am, when he got in from his last job. The weekend however was slightly different, where he worked full days at his third, and final, job. God knows how he managed to get his University work done in between his three jobs. He found that the weekend evenings were the best time. It did help that this year he was taking less modules, although next year he would have to make up for it. But this year the priority was working as much as he possibly could. Money was the goal. Lots of it.

If his friends thought it was weird that he worked so hard all day and into the night, yet still could only afford to eat noodles most days, they didn’t say anything. His roommates Soonyoung and Minghao were supportive, often leaving him leftovers from their own dinners with little notes asking him to eat well. From the sizes of the leftovers, he knew they weren’t really leftovers, more portions they had specifically cooked for him, but he wasn’t going to complain. He just sent out a silent thank you to them each time he came home exhausted to a bowlful of wonderful food, which kept him going one more day. It was one of those days, when he came home late to a bowl full of his favourite beef bibimbap, that changed things. The little note attached from Minghao had some extra writing on it.

_Hyung, I know you said you were looking for some extra work (though not sure how you would fit it in). A friend of mine, knows someone looking for a driver on the weekend and I suggested you. Hope that’s okay. Drop me a text if you’re interested and I’ll give you the number._

Joshua breathed a sigh of relief, he had been looking for some more work. One of his jobs, specifically his bar work, had been dropping hints that they wouldn’t need him as much over the coming months. He would need to get some more hours elsewhere. This was a godsend. He’d message Minghao in the morning, for now he needed to get ready for bed. Joshua found himself wondering exactly what being a driver would involve and who he would be driving for. It would change up his usual routine of the morning coffee shop, the bar in the evenings and the factory at the weekend. Friday was tomorrow. Never one to give himself a chance to rest, perhaps he could even start then. His best friend, Jeonghan was always at him to take it a bit easier. Worried he would one day just fall dead or something worse. At their weekly lunches, Jeonghan would pinch his cheeks, sigh and exclaim that Joshua was wasting away. Then promptly buy him a big bowl of Bulgogi. He was always grateful, offering his thanks to his friend for the kind gesture. Jeonghan was the only one who knew why Joshua worked so hard and never had any time.

In the start, he hadn’t told his best friend why he suddenly had no time for hanging out or drinking, and why he spent every hour either behind a coffee counter or behind a bar full of alcohol. It had all come to head a few weeks after his life changing moment and Jeonghan had corned him in the library, demanding to know why his best friend had dropped off the face of the planet and what he had done to upset his best friend so much? Did he not want to be friends anymore and was it that Jeonghan just didn’t know how to take a hint?

He hadn’t meant to start crying in the middle of the library but seeing how upset his Jeonghan was had brought all his walls down. He hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. Joshua had just been so absorbed in his own pain and drama that he’d forgotten about the people in his life. He’d told his best friend about everything, and told him why he needed the money. Jeonghan had started crying too then and immediately forgiven him for being a bad friend, swearing to support him during this time.

\-----

The sound of his alarm blared out as loudly as it did every other morning of the week. Joshua had forgotten what it felt like to have a lie in, always having to be up before 6am. Sleep was a luxury life no long afforded him and he couldn’t, no, he wouldn’t complain. He had his morning routine down well by now, and was swinging his university bag over his shoulder and grabbing his keys before the time hit 6.15am. His stint at the coffee shop just around the corner from campus started at 6.30am sharp each day and lasted until 9.30am. Joshua made sure none of his lectures began before 10am to accommodate his shift. This way he could get in 15 hours a week of work before most of his friends even opened their eyes to start their day. Well except his coffee shop buddies, but as they worked the same shift as him, they had to wake up just as early. 

Seokmin and Seungkwan were great co-workers. Always full of energy and bright smiles. They made the job a lot easier to handle. Often bringing Joshua back up when he sank down into one of his low moods. Which these days, happened more often than he would like. If he started thinking too much about what was happening, he would sink fast and they worked hard to keep him afloat. Again, his friends supported him in so many ways, even when they didn’t know what was happening.

Joshua found both his co-workers already dishing out their usual cheery good mornings when he arrived. Both boys started earlier than him, as they had to leave before 9, so Joshua just grabbed his apron and set to work. It was only a few hours later, as the morning rush slowed down, he even remembered about Minghao’s note last night. He shot off a quick message to him and got a response within minutes.

_‘Jun says his name is Choi Seungcheol. His number is 18-96-758-86. Give him a ring today, as he needs someone asap’._

Great. Joshua made a mental note to give him a ring once his shift was over. However, it’s not until after his lunch with Jeonghan he remembers to ring him. He mentally berates himself. Hoping this Seungcheol guy doesn’t take offense in how long it takes him to call, he dials the number. Joshua finds himself feeling nervous. He’s not driven since coming to Korea. He has his license and his International Drivers Pass, so he should be fine, but it has been a while.

_‘Hello, please may I speak to…. Choi Seungcheol’_

_‘Speaking’_

The tone is cool and straight forward. It doesn’t sound old to Joshua, but it does sound serious, so he adopts his best parental speaking voice.

_‘Hello, my name is Joshua Hong. My friend Xu Minghao passed on your details from his friend Jun about a position you may have available. A driver role. I’m very interested and wondered if the role had been filled or not yet.’_

_‘Ahh yes, Jun mentioned he had passed on my number to a friend. How old are you? And do you have any experience of this type of job?’_

Joshua doesn’t really appreciate the slight mocking tone which has now filled this stranger’s voice and is even less amused by the line of questioning but of course, polite as Joshua is, he doesn’t let his annoyance show in his reply.

_‘I’m twenty-one years old and no, I have never been a driver for anyone before. I attained my license in the US and have driven for 4 years before I move to Seoul for University. If you need to know, I do have 3 other jobs but I’m happy to be flexible depending on what you need.’_

_‘THREE JOBS….’_

Joshua hears the man, whose been cool so far, splutter out his response in what Joshua guesses as disbelief. Three does sound like a lot but he doesn’t have a choice, what he needs doesn’t come cheap. He must work.

_‘Yes, three but like I mentioned, I’m happy to be flexible. What exactly do you require?’_

_‘Yes, Yes. Sorry about that. I was just surprised. Most the people I’ve spoken to didn’t seem to know what the phrase hard work meant. Okay, to business, the role is a weekend driver. I have a fixed driver through the week, but my weekend driver has decided to move on. I need someone from 6pm Friday evening until early evening on Sundays. Times vary. I need someone to take me on my errands and to drive me to evening functions on both Friday and Saturday night. I’m aware this is prime time for having social lives, so the pay is good enough to compensate this fact. I will need you to be available at all times over the 2-day period, I’m afraid it is quite a lot to ask.’_

Joshua thinks for a moment, he could make it work. The bar has mentioned less hours and they have plenty of people who can work the Friday and Saturday evening shifts. The factory work would have to go but if the pay is as good as Seungcheol is suggesting, then he would be better off. The only problem he can foresee is his University work, which he promptly mentions.

_‘University? Well, I’m happy for you to do your work whilst waiting for me during my meetings and outings etc. Also, you will be spending a lot of time at my place, so I can set you up with a space to work from whilst you’re waiting. How does that sound?’_

His mind takes a few moments to catch up to what his ears are hearing. This man he doesn’t even know is basically ensuring he doesn’t fail his degree and even providing him with a space in his own home. Wait, did that mean he has the job?

_‘Are you hiring me Mr Choi?’_

_‘Yes, I am. On a provisional basis of course but as Jun recommended you, then I’m happy to take a bigger chance on you. Besides I’m also in a bit of a bind – are you able to start tonight?’_

Joshua considers for a moment. It would take a little rejigging of his life, but Lee Chan owed him big time and the bar would survive with him in his stead. Confirming to Seungcheol that he can in fact work tonight, he gets the address to which he must promptly arrive to at 6pm that evening. He hangs up the phone and wonders for the first, but not for the last time, what the hell he has just gotten himself into.


	2. Seungcheol's Anxiety

Seungcheol was nervous. He always got a bit nervous when he hired a new driver. Having long since decided that putting his life in another’s hands was what he must do, it still doesn’t make it any less of an ordeal for him. Cars are not his favourite mode of transport, but he must admit as a CEO of a company, any other kind of travel is not suitable. He did try, especially right after the accident. The metro was fast, but unreliable, and he ended up half running to meetings. Sweaty Seungcheol didn’t really set the right tone he needed to help grow the business. Buses went a similar way but without the speed. Next came premium cars and taxi’s but he found it increased his anxiety somewhat putting his life into a new stranger’s hands every time he got into a car. So, he compromised with a car and a driver. One for the week days and one for the weekend. So far, it had gone well, until his weekend driver had given notice, stating as much as he loved working for Seungcheol, he needed his weekend life back.

He’d understood. It was a big commitment to give up 48 hours of your life each weekend. And they’d had a good run together. Over the 6 months they’d become close, but every good thing had to end. Taemin had been sent off with a very good thank you package. Seungcheol was eternally grateful to him and they’d said goodbye a few Sundays ago with plenty of Soju and some Korean BBQ. Then he’d had to face the reality of hiring a new driver. 

He’d put it off for two weeks and had even cancelled plans. Crunch time had come though when there was an event he couldn’t get out of and he’d tried to use a private car to get himself there. The panic attack he experienced whilst trying to get into the car had been a shock; a good and bad one. Good because it had forced him to start looking for a new driver. Bad because he realised he still had a long way to go to deal with the events of that night.

Taemin had been an amazing discovery for Seungcheol, as he was only 2 years older it had made the weekends go by quickly and he’d never felt awkward having Taemin with him at parties or going for brunch. They’d become good friends and the age gap was so small it made Seungcheol’s life less empty. Of course, he had Jun, who he’d known for years. They’d met through their parents, who'd done business together. China had been a lucrative market for his mother’s company whilst it was growing, and he tried to continue that. Thus, Jun was an ever-present person in his life. They were both attending Seoul National University, two years into their Business and Management degrees. Courses expected of them for their bright futures. Seungcheol had recently gone part-time, as he’d had to take over responsibilities in his Mother’s company. Accepting his destiny so to speak. Jun was still full time, and as Seungcheol had been less available to hang out, he’d been making new friends. Specifically, a boy named Minghao.

Minghao had surprisingly been helpful in solving his driver problem. Seungcheol had been wary of hiring a stranger, so when Jun mentioned Minghao’s flatmate was always after work. Almost obsessively looking. Approval had been given to pass on his details via the chain, and now he was waiting to hear from the mystery flatmate. Minghao had told Jun that his flatmate worked a lot, so it could be last minute. When Friday lunch time came around, and he’d still heard nothing, Seungcheol felt his panic start to rise. He had a big event that evening, which he couldn’t miss, and the seconds were ticking down at an alarming rate. So, he did what he always did and dialled Jun, praying his best friend would know what was going on.

_‘Hello, the bestest friend in the whole world at your service.’_

_‘Jun, seriously why do you always answer the phone like that. Isn’t it a bit old?’_

_‘It’s never old to remind you of how wonderful I am, and that you have the best person in your life. Don’t want you ever forgetting it or taking advantage of my loveliness. What’s up?’_

Seungcheol sighed, Jun would never change, but he secretly loved it. Jun was family, someone he could always rely on. Something he needed more than he would ever admit to Jun, or to himself.

_‘Yes, Yes. You’re wonderful. You’re a god. Is that enough? I haven’t heard from Minghao’s flatmate yet and I’m started to panic. I…I really don’t want to try another private car tonight. It was bad Jun. I couldn’t breathe.’_

_‘Whoa, Cheollie, keep it cool. I hear you. It was horrible but you’re okay. Minghao says he will call. He needs the job. He will call and if he doesn’t, I will drive you okay.’_

It seemed Jun always knew what to say to calm him down. Seungcheol didn’t show his vulnerable side to many people, running a company meant he had to be together most of the time. It would impact the company a lot, if they found out about his panic attacks. Jun had been one of the few people he’d felt safe enough to tell. Late at night he found himself desperately hating this part of himself, and wishing he could just go back to being the old Seungcheol. The one who was happy, who worked hard at University and didn’t have to think about business. The version of himself who didn’t have to deal with feelings of anxiety or the low moods that came along with it. Sometimes when he lay there awake unable to sleep, he imagined leaving the company. Selling out and letting go of his mother’s dream. Trapped by what was expected of him, it was too much to live up to. But when he started to do something about it, he stopped himself. No matter how afraid he was, or how difficult it was to keep going after the accident, he had to keep going. It was the right thing to do, and if he had to make slight adjustments to cope, he would do just that. Jun really wanted him to speak to someone, but he wasn’t ready yet for that. He just had to focus on surviving, which meant a new driver.

_‘Really? You’d do that? Jun you’re an amazing friend. The best-est.’_

Seungcheol parroted back to his best friend the very words he’d started the conversation with. Small actions like this from his slightly younger friend, reminded him he wasn’t alone. He felt a little bit safer in his changed world.

_‘It’s fine though. I know he’ll call but I don’t want you to worry. Be patient. Speak to you later, as I’m off to Minghao’s.’_

_‘Minghao oh? That’s like the third time this week, isn’t it Jun?’ ‘Shut up. We’re just friends. He doesn’t think like that about me. Okay! Just drop it. If I was mean I would threaten not to drive you, but as mentioned before I’m amazing. Don’t push it!’_

Seungcheol laughed, Jun was as easy to wind up as a jack -in-a-box and it was fun to watch him explode. He heard Jun scoff and end the call, leaving Seungcheol once again to wait for the call from the nameless driver.

\------------

When the phone rang with an unknown number a few hours later, he was more surprised than he should have been. Seungcheol was very particular with who got his number, being a CEO meant he had to protect himself. He hadn’t expected the boy’s voice to be so nice, or so polite. He learnt quickly the boy’s name was Joshua. For some reason it hadn’t come up in conversation with either Jun or Minghao. It also transpired Joshua was in hot competition for jobs, this being a potential fourth job. Three jobs. It made Seungcheol’s mind boggle to even think of it. So much so, he’d almost shouted those exacts words back to the poor boy in disbelief. Never thinking he’d meet someone as busy as him but apparently Joshua Hong was just that person. Three jobs, a university degree and looking for a fourth. The work ethic seemed strong in him, which impressed Seungcheol. Luck had been on his side with Taemin, who despite their friendship had been a great employee, it was a pleasant surprise to find someone else who didn’t mind hard work.

Overall, Joshua seemed perfect for the role and to be honest Seungcheol was kind of relieved he would have someone to drive him for the weekend. Joshua’s university work situation would provide a perfect distraction for Joshua, during the long hours Seungcheol knew he’d been waiting around for him. Seungcheol knew he could be a bit awkward at times, and being around each for so much time, they couldn’t really afford that. After the call, Seungcheol realised he had to get on with his day, as during the angst of waiting for Joshua’s call, he’d put off everything he was supposed to do before tonight’s dinner with the Thai Ambassador, the very event he’d so desperately needed a driver for. One of those tasks was to send his address over to Joshua, which he set about doing. The reply he received from Joshua made him chuckle a bit but also sent a pang of worry through his mind.

_‘You live in GANGNAM! You didn’t mention that. Is 6.30pm okay, as I may need a little longer to get over to you?’_

_‘Err yes I do. I knew there was something I should’ve mentioned. 6.30pm is fine but please don’t be late, as my event is at 7.30pm and we need to leave by 7pm. Okay?’_

Seungcheol panicked more, the worry from early coming back to eat away at him. He never believed himself to be that lucky, and often expected the worst to happen, so Joshua having accepted the job, even with the terrible hours, still felt like a dream and he was concerned something would go wrong. Another side effect from his anxiety.

_‘Thank you. Sorry, I was just a little taken back. I’ll see you at 6.30pm sharp.’_

He wasn’t sure whether to breathe a sigh of relief or worry how Joshua was going to take the fact he not only lived in Gangnam but also, he lived in the Penthouse suite on the top floor of his building, overlooking most of Gangnam because it was so high up. It would only be a few short hours before he would know, but the worry came creeping out and distracted him from the many tasks he’d already put off today.

Okay, Choi Seungcheol, get your act together and for once act like the CEO you pretend to be. Paperwork and calls first, freaking out and anxiety attacks later. It would be a long few hours before Joshua would turn up, Seungcheol set about clearing his to-do list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far - I'm really enjoying writing this one. I would like to update every Sunday. So see you next week. Comments & feedback very much appreciated. Thank you for spending your time reading this story.


	3. A different world but still a home

Joshua doesn’t like to be late, so when he says he’ll arrive at Seungcheol’s apartment at 6.30pm, it means he’ll arrive at 6.15pm just in case. Which is exactly what he has done. Usually he may have already started to make his way up to his apartment but he’s a bit taken back. Well no, he’s a lot taken aback. Seungcheol not only lives in Gangnam but he also lives in the expensive part of Gangnam and if two years in Korea have taught him anything, it’s you didn’t live in this area unless you had serious money.

What exactly did Seungcheol do for a living? Was he at University like the rest of them? How on earth did Minghao know Seungcheol, or more accurately how did Jun? Many questions raced through his mind, but he knew he wouldn’t get answers very soon. Joshua had been too polite to ask for many details from his friends, and wouldn’t think of prying further even now. However, it was a lot to take in and it made him question, with everything going on back home, whether he was involving himself in something perhaps he shouldn’t. Before the need to accumulate money took over his life, Joshua had been partial to a quiet life. Preferring to spend his time with friends, reading, visiting his church and volunteering at the local community centre. His volunteering had been the first thing to go, he didn’t like to dwell on that too much. He missed it more than he could admit. That was where he had met Seokmin, who incidentally had then gotten him the job at the Coffee Shop, so perhaps life happened the way it did for a reason. He really wanted to believe that.

All his friends had stood by him, and his three jobs had introduced more friends into his life. He was grateful for them all, helping him any way they could. The bit which mystified him the most was, apart from Jeonghan, not one of them knew about his personal situation yet they still looked out for him so much. He remembered the morning he’d slept in missing his alarm, racing to the coffee house, only to find both Seokmin and Seungkwan covering for him past their finish time. The time he’d called in to sick to the bar and Chan had ordered hot soup to be delivered. Joshua knew no matter how bad things got, his friends would always be there to catch him.

Glancing at his watch on his wrist, he decided 6.25pm was about time he started towards Seungcheol’s building. As he approached, Joshua realised Seungcheol hadn’t really been descriptive about how to get in his building and up to his apartment. Looking around to see if there was anyone to ask, Joshua felt helpless, something he didn’t like. However, a few seconds later to his great surprise, the big wooden door swung open to reveal a modern and sleek reception area manned by a short man with a flat cap. In this world, doors were opened by electronic doorman and access was granted by the building staff it seemed. Once he’d signed in, I.D scanned and everything, Joshua made his way to the lift at the back of the reception, as directed by the staff member. Remembering the man had said to go all the way to the top, the penthouse, Joshua selected the appropriate button and watched as the doors slid together. The lift was so smooth it didn’t even feel like he was going up. Stepping in to the hallway Joshua realised he’d arrived straight into the apartment, meaning there were no other people living on this floor. Come to think of it, Joshua couldn’t remember there being many other buttons in the lift itself. Did that mean he had his own lift too?

Joshua found himself in a lobby type room with a beautiful table in the centre. On the table, there stood a beautiful marble statue of a Greek Goddess. He couldn’t place it but then he wasn’t a history major. However, the beauty of its simplicity did strike him. A lone mother figure reaching out to the sky. Joshua turned away, he couldn’t think of that now. Stepping further in, he noticed several paintings covered the wall of the lobby and on the other side of the table, a set of double doors. There was no sign of Seungcheol.

_‘Hello?’_

Joshua called out to the empty looking apartment. He didn’t really fancy going further into the home, until he had met its owner. It didn’t feel right, plus he felt a bit intimidated by the lobby. Thoughts of what the rest of the home would look like were incomprehensible.

_‘Joshua. Sorry, I’ll be there in just a moment. Just trying to sort out my bowtie. Not very good at these things.’_

Seungcheol’s voice, Joshua presumed, drifted through the doors from somewhere in the penthouse. It was a bit muffled but loud enough for him to learn a bit more about his future boss. Hesitating before responding, Joshua found he couldn’t let someone else suffer in any small way, if he could help. His mother had told him it was his greatest strength, but also his biggest weakness.

_‘Seungcheol, I can help with that. If you want me to?’_

Wondering if he’d crossed a line, Joshua waited for Seungcheol’s reply and he’s a bit surprised by the person in question coming through the doors to the room in which Joshua stood, half dressed in a black suit holding out the bowtie. The look on Seungcheol’s face suggested he may been trying to tie it for quite a while. Stepping towards his new boss, Joshua took the tie and looped it around his neck, quickly tying it off with a bit of a flourish. Although the whole process took less than 30 seconds, it was still enough time for Joshua to notice how close he was to his new boss and they hadn’t even been formally introduced. There was even the chance to notice how darn attractive Seungcheol was, he quickly shelved that thought. There was no time to breathe, let alone time to entertain thoughts of pretty boys in cute suits.

Adjusting the tie one last time to straightened it up, Joshua stepped back to admire his handiwork and nodded. Satisfied with the results until he realised he was in a room with an almost stranger and had yet to ay anything.

_‘Good Evening Seungcheol. I’m Joshua Hong. It’s nice to meet you.’_

Joshua’s polite side went into overdrive and he felt the tips of his ears go red. He wasn’t normally one to be embarrassed but then it wasn’t often he found himself to be in a stranger’s apartment, touching them before even exchanging any words. Looking at Seungcheol from his new view point a few steps back, he could see he was well built and had broader shoulders than Joshua. He had black hair, which was chopped in the current stylish Korean trend, and beautiful doe shaped eyes, which were an almond colour. Before he could get lost in them however, he was brought back to reality by Seungcheol’s voice.

_‘Hi Joshua. Thank you for helping me with that. It was a bit of a struggle. Thank you again for coming so last minute. We’ve got about 20 minutes before we must leave, so perhaps I could show you around the flat? I’m not sure if you brought anything with you to use overnight but we have plenty of spares in the guest room, which will be yours for the weekends you are here. We can go by yours tomorrow for clothes too, or I’m happy to get you some to keep here. Other than that, just ask when you’re not sure about something. Okay? Plus, I’ll show you the car etc before we leave.’_

A lot of information flowed from Seungcheol’s lips and Joshua’s head spun a little. Guest room, clothes, spares, cars. It wasn’t he was surprised per say, but he hadn’t really had time to think things through. Of course, he would be staying here. The job required him all weekend, which meant all 48 hours of every weekend. It was a bit of a commitment, physically and emotionally. If Joshua had had a choice in the matter, he’s not sure he would’ve been able to commit to such a task, but this was the life he was living right now, and he had to accept it for what it was. Otherwise he would sink into a depression his family could not handle, or afford, right now. His only option was to continue forward. He accepted he had to live here now at the weekends and use Seungcheol’s apartment, no penthouse, but Joshua wanted to draw the line within their working relationship, which meant wearing his own clothes and not allowing Seungcheol to buy him more than was necessary for him to do his job.

_‘Sounds good to me. I’m happy to use your spare stuff tonight, but I’d appreciate being able to grab some more stuff tomorrow. I’m sorry I didn’t bring more, umm I was in a bit of rush and didn’t really think about it. I did bring my book bag though. So, the guest room then?’_

The nature of this relationship was a little strange, Joshua considered to himself. He would be around this guy for a lot of time in his home. Seungcheol had called it his room, suggesting it would partly be his home too. The thought of getting close to Seungcheol in this way gave him an uneasy feeling. Seungcheol’s life was so far apart from Joshua’s, he didn’t know how it would work or whether they would be able to get along. Joshua wanted to keep their relationship professional, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to keep up the façade he showed most people. He knew he was teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown, so he would just have to work extra hard to keep Seungcheol at bay. He started with the calling it ‘his’ room situation. It was a guest room. He was a guest in this house and he needed to always be that, a guest. Following Seungcheol, who silently made his way out of the lobby, Joshua found himself in a long hallway, which seemed to stretch the entire length of the penthouse. Seungcheol turned to the right and walked down the corridor passing a door on his left and one to his right, finally stopping at the door at the end. Guessing this was to be his room, Joshua was rewarded with a correct assumption.

The room was huge, bigger than the apartment Joshua shared with Minghao and Soonyoung. Blinking a few times just to check he wasn’t imagining things, he noticed the room was decorated in a very minimalistic style. Sweeping his eyes across the room, he noticed a few spots which seemed to be empty without purpose. Almost as if some personal belongings had once stood in those places, making Joshua wonder who may have lived here before him. A story for another life, he supposed. It wasn’t his business to know the answers to such a question. Stepping further into the room, Joshua noticed a desk had been set up in the bottom right hand corner of the room. Next to it a large double bed with white sheet and along the back wall, there was large sliding door wardrobe. At the end of the wardrobe, near to the top left corner of the room, he noticed a small alcove area with a door on each side. He stepped over to investigate and looked through the right open door to see a long bathroom, which ran the length of the room behind the wardrobe. The other door opposite led to what he guessed was the living room, spying a kitchen at the other end. Again, he wondered just how big this penthouse was. Hearing a small cough, Joshua turned his attention back to his host. Seungcheol had been quiet, allowing Joshua some time to view the room, but it seemed now they were running low on time. He caught Seungcheol’s eyes glance a few times towards the watch on his left wrist.

_‘Time to move on?’_

With a nod from Seungcheol, Joshua placed his book bag on the desk set up for him, and followed his new boss out of the room into the living space he’d noted before. Now in the room, Joshua could really admire what it meant to live on the top floor on a building in the Gangnam-Gu district. It was beautiful, and you could see for miles. The twinkling lights in the fast approaching sunset, made the city of Seoul almost come alive. Joshua envisioned the city as a living body, cars flowed through the city’s veins and the lights like the cells in the body, in their thousands. Joshua was doing a biology major, and he tended to view most things like the amazing human body he had to study for hours each week.

_‘….so, you can just grab whatever you want from the kitchen cupboards. The cook I have in the week tends to leave meals in the fridge for me to eat over the weekend. We can order in food whenever you want, so just let me know what you like. Also, sometime this weekend, write down some of the stuff you like to have, and the maid will go to the shops to stock up the cupboards. I really want you to feel like this is almost a second home.’_

Joshua only caught half of what Seungcheol had been saying, having zoned out viewing the city. Seungcheol did seem like a nice guy and it seemed he would take care of Joshua like his friends did. He hoped this job wouldn’t be as bad as he’d feared on the way over, but he was worried by the over-familiarity from Seungcheol. Joshua did not want a second home, or perhaps a third home. He still saw the USA as his first home. The USA was where his heart was, where his mom was. He didn’t think his heart could stretch any further, it was too fragile right now, as it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely loving writing this fic - any guesses about why Joshua needs so much money? Would love to hear your guesses. I've got so many ideas for this fic, feel like it could go on for a while. Can't wait to introduce some of the other boys.


	4. A Beautiful Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero's come in all shapes and sizes.

Seungcheol hit the button on the set of car keys and watched as the car flashed back at him the familiar three times. He turned to Joshua, who was currently trailing one step behind him with a bemused look on his face, and handed over the keys.

_‘We’ll take the Equus tonight, I need to make a good impression with the Thai Ambassador. Usually we’d take the Santa Fe, as it’s better for driving across the city.’_

He only half caught the shocked expression which shot across Joshua’s face, before he quickly schooled it back into his normal serious look. The look Seungcheol’s has begun to recognise in the past 30 minutes of knowing the boy. Joshua wasn’t quite what he had been expecting but he seems reliable enough, which is all Seungcheol needs right now to feel safe. He can’t be picky about this, not at this point in the day. Internally he’s been counting down the minutes until he had to get into a car with an almost stranger and then let them drive him across town. The minutes had gone by far too quickly.

 Being in his own car helped, especially as the car had had certain modifications made to it, but it was still nerve-wracking as hell for him. He still had to put his life into Joshua’s hands for the 20 minutes that it would take to get to the hotel for his meeting with the Thai Ambassador and a few of his ministry friends. Seungcheol’s company dealt mostly with the Chinese and Korean shipping markets, but his mother had been looking to expand their shipping technology into other Asian markets, which was why he was meeting the Thai Ambassador in the first place. It was common knowledge if you didn’t get the Ambassador’s approval, you had no chance at succeeding in the Thai Market.

Seungcheol felt time stop, as he watched Joshua make his way over to the Equus driver’s door. They’d come down the lift Joshua had come up earlier in, but this time they’d gone all the way down to the garage beneath the building. Seungcheol’s cars were kept apart from the other building tenant’s cars. All part of his safety routine, which his head security guard Lee Jinki had put into place. And as much as he felt the restrictions on his life from it, he still felt safer knowing it was there. He watched Joshua grab the handle with grace, swing open the door, and slide in. Joshua then seemed to set about familiarizing himself with the car mechanics, all the while Seungcheol was just frozen standing a few feet away from the car. He wished without hope, to not be frozen. It was embarrassing, and he’d only just met this boy but the panic from earlier was back and he couldn’t do anything about it. Joshua was a nice guy, but it didn’t make this any less scary. If only Taemin hadn’t left him, Seungcheol selfishly thought. Then berated himself for it. Taemin deserved the right to be happy and if Seungcheol hadn’t been able to help him be happy, it was only right he moved on. It didn’t mean it hurt any less though and once again he boxed his feelings on the matter up, as to focus on the present problem.

When Joshua looked up, he noticed Seungcheol hadn’t moved from his spot and displayed a perplexed expression on his face. An alarming behaviour for anyone to witness, Seungcheol imagined. He tried to shake the feelings off, as he felt his anxiety rise and his eyes widen with fear. It wasn’t Joshua he was afraid of exactly, it was being in a car with a stranger behind the wheel. Someone he’d never seen drive before. For all he knew, Joshua could be a terrible driver. History began to haunt him once more with flashbacks from that night surfacing in his mind. The polite hellos, the warm seats, the gentle conversation. Then the journey, the Seoul skyline, his mother’s friendly smile and talk of beautiful futures. Lastly the white light, which had seemed endless. Seungcheol was afraid of the white light. He didn’t want to return to it.

‘ _Seungcheol. Are you alright?’_

Footsteps approached his frozen body, he hadn’t clocked the car door re-opening or the movement of feet towards him. He watched as Joshua approach slowly, as if trying not to scare a baby rabbit away, whilst speaking softly towards him. Seungcheol looked up to find Joshua’s eyes staring directly into his own and opened his mouth to speak, only to find nothing could come out. So, unlike the Seungcheol who spoke hundreds of sentences a minute, this Seungcheol was so afraid he could barely form coherent words. In the next moment, Seungcheol felt Joshua wrap an arm around his shoulders, and with one hand rub small soothing circles across his back. He heard him whispering, things like ‘just breathe Seungcheol’, ‘the feeling will pass’, and ‘there’s no pressure here.’ Unlike with his other friends, there was something about the way Joshua was saying these things, that made him believe the words he’s saying. A couple minutes pass before Seungcheol finds his voice again.

_‘I’m sorry Joshua. I hoped this wouldn’t happened, but I guess it did. Thank You.’_

_‘It’s okay Seungcheol. Just happy to be able to help you. How are you feeling now? Do you want to try the car, or do you want to go back up to the flat? Either way is fine with me.’_

It’s almost like Joshua can see into his brain and knows exactly what will help Seungcheol operate like a normal human being. If he has a choice, it normally makes it easier for his mind to decide. When he doesn’t feel pressured, he can be more like his normal self. And now Joshua is aware of his condition, he feels safer in his hands. He hadn’t realised how much he’d been holding back. There just hadn’t been enough time to properly talk to Joshua about everything before they had needed to set off. He would need to make some time for it. For now, they had to get a move on.

_‘Let’s go. Can we get into the car asap and go? It will make it easier for me.’_

Joshua moved into action, guiding Seungcheol to his car door and left him to it, whilst running to the other side. Watching him, Seungcheol let out a sigh of relief. Normally he would have turned back for home by now, but this time something is different. Joshua is here.

\------------

When they arrive at the hotel, which is partially owned by Seungcheol’s company, it feels like it’s only been 5 minutes. Joshua kept up a pleasant stream of conversation on the way over, mainly about his three jobs and facts about his friends. It was a welcome distraction and allowed Seungcheol to focus on anything but his own world. He’s not sure he’ll remember much of it, except maybe the fact it really did seem like Joshua never stopped. For the first time, he wondered why Joshua worked so much. What might he be hiding.

_‘Joshua, please pull up in front of the building and then park in the car park around the back. Let reception know you’re with me and they’ll direct you to the lower restaurant. I expect you’re hungry, so grab yourself something to eat, add it to my tab. I should be done by around 9.30pm but these things can go on. I’ll come get you when we’re done, just let reception know your whereabouts please.’_

Seungcheol switched into CEO mode and sent Joshua on his way. There was a lot to tell him, and he needs to get moving or he’ll be late. In the future, he’ll be more prepared but as this was so last minute, he had to direct boy more like an employee than a friend. He hopes one day they can be friends.

_‘Okay, Seungcheol. I will see you when you are done. I am here if you need me.’_

The underlying meaning to Joshua’s words rang in Seungcheol’s ears. He knows Joshua is talking about what happened before, but he can’t deal with it now. So, he nods at him and exits the car.

\----------------

The meeting goes by in a blur. The Thai Ambassador is a friendly man, open to talking to Seungcheol but not about business, not tonight. They speak of Seungcheol’s mother briefly, which pains him but it’s good to be reminded of why he’s trying to do this. Why he’s still trying to be a CEO his mother would be proud of. Dinner is a success and after a few drinks, Seungcheol excuses himself as he feels the party start to get a bit rowdy. He mentions work to be done and the ambassador nods with understanding. Before he knows it, Seungcheol is heading to reception to locate Joshua and begin their journey home. He looks down at this watch, 10.30pm. He’s an hour later than he planned but it couldn’t be helped. Seungcheol was still learning how long to give these things, his mother had taught him to be friendly and leave earlier than his guest but sometimes it took longer for the right moment to present itself to exit without being rude.

The receptionist informs him, when he asks about Joshua’s whereabouts, that he is in the music room. Approaching the room, Seungcheol hears music playing. He’s not sure but it sounds like the grand piano in the corner. He’s never heard it being played before, so he slips into the room to see who’s playing the hauntingly beautiful piano music. Seungcheol’s logic suggests to him, that it might be Joshua, but it just sounds so sad that he doesn’t want it to be. Because it means Joshua may be as broken as he is and right now, he doesn’t want to deal with anyone else’s pain. It’s selfish.

He watches the hands fly across the keys. It’s such a beautiful movement, with no effort from the player, that he stands memorised by it. The player’s eyes are closed, playing from memory and Seungcheol doesn’t want it to end. He wants to listen to it forever, but he also can’t bear to because it’s so painful. Joshua stops playing without warning and the silence that follow it eerily deafening. Seungcheol watches as Joshua slowly turns to look at him. He feels embarrassed for so obviously eavesdropping but before he can say anything Joshua turns away again and lowers the key cover down. Still silent. He’s done playing tonight and doesn’t want to talk about it. Whatever it is.

The car ride home is completed in silence. Seungcheol tries to be respectful of Joshua’s quietness and instead focuses on the enigma that is Joshua Hong. Not only does he have three jobs, a university course on the go but he can also play the piano beautifully. Seungcheol tries to remember what course Joshua does, but he comes up blank. Perhaps it’s music. He could definitely be on a music course with that kind of talent. He hopes Joshua will play for him sometime. Arriving home for Joshua’s second visit to the apartment, Seungcheol has a little more time to talk to him but decides after everything that has happened tonight to just focus on the minimum amount.

Besides the overwhelming amount of information he still has for Joshua, Seungcheol has noticed just how tired Joshua is and wants to take care of him in any small way that he can. Grabbing Joshua’s attention from the view outside his living room window, again. Seungcheol runs through his plans for tomorrow.

_‘Thank you, a lot, for tonight Joshua…in so many ways and I can’t thank you enough. Earlier you said you wished to go by your apartment, which I’m assuming is the by the university? This works perfectly as I have a meeting with one of my professors at 10am. So, we could get your stuff after my meeting and then go for lunch on campus? I’d like to ask my friend Jun too, you know him, right?’_

Joshua reacts well to the news from Seungcheol about being able to get his stuff. So, Seungcheol banks the information into his memory. He likes to remember the small details about people, so he can be more considerate and a better friend in the future.

_‘Sounds fine by. I’d normally get up around 7am for my factory shift, so I’ll probably do the same again tomorrow. What time do we have to leave for your meeting?’_

_‘Your factory shifts? Did you manage to get that sorted ok? Again, sorry to cause such upheaval in your life. It’d be great to leave at 9.15, means we can grab a coffee too. If you like coffee?_

‘ _No problem Seungcheol, I handed in my notice to the factory yesterday and they were fine with it. The rest all sounds fine too but you’ll have to excuse me now as I’ll probably head to bed now? Today’s been quite long already.’_

Seungcheol looks at Joshua again, again noticing the tired look in his eyes and the exhausted vibe he’s giving off. Seungcheol nods to Joshua, who returns it and then watches as Joshua retreats to his new room. The apartment once again feeling a little less empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely guesses. Currently thinking about how to get the other storylines in - would you like to see these storylines have their own chapters or popped into the main characters chapters?
> 
> Poor boys - sadly I don't think this is the last time Seungcheol will have one of these attacks. I suffer from anxiety/low mood myself. So I really want to share my experiences of this.


	5. Saturday Morning's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated - hey guys, I updated this the day after it went live. Nothing plot worthy, just realised some of it didn't make sense hahaha! Thank you for reading :)

One of Joshua’s favourite morning rituals, before all this, had been to rise early on a Saturday morning to make a fresh cup of what he called coffee. Something he very much took his time to create, which was nothing like what they churned out at his coffee house job. Once coffee was in hand, he would then sit looking out the window of his shared apartment, to watch the world he loved so much, wake up.

That one hour before signs of life started to appear in his building, more like 2 for his apartment, used to be his favourite time of the week. He could slow down and appreciate the life he’d been given. Joshua liked to live a life of gratitude. Constantly aware of how fortunate he was to be able do things like study in Korea. He was grateful for his life. Mornings like that had been swept away in the changes to his circumstances, which had resulted in the need for three jobs. Whenever he slowed down enough to feel at all, those were the moments he missed the most. Sitting on that window ledge, warm cup in hand and calm mind. His heart ached for those times.

To Joshua’s delight, when he woke up in his new temporary room in Seungcheol’s flat and found the flat empty of signs of life with a note in the kitchen inviting him to source breakfast for himself and to even make some coffee if he wished so, he was thankful. His delight mostly came from eyeing Seungcheol’s unused but highly technical coffee machine and the rich, coffee beans beside it. Joshua had then proceeded to spend a wonderful 10 minutes figuring out the machine and preparing his first morning coffee in over 3 months. Sometimes it was just the simple things that got him through the worst times.

When the coffee was safely tucked away into his sweater paws, as it was quite hot, he walked it over to the top right-hand corner of the apartment, where Seungcheol had placed a chair facing outwards. It was perfect for viewing the city, and Joshua could think of no better way than to watch the city wake up than from this viewpoint. It was something he could get used to.

It was his first morning without having to make his way to the factory and it had started well. They hadn’t seemed bothered when Joshua had rung up to give his notice in. He’d been aware of their waiting list, as the work was quite well paid, so Joshua hadn’t felt bad about leaving them in the lurch, but it did sting how little they seemed to care about him. Sat in the chair with his morning coffee, he almost felt at home in Seungcheol’s penthouse. Joshua wondered how long he might be here. The money he needed in total was beyond anything he could earn in time, he knew that. They’d kept saying that, but he had to try. He had to do something. He couldn’t just let this happen to their family.

Looking around Joshua noticed the place was styled as minimalistic as the guest room was. There wasn’t much in the way of personal belongings and he wondered if they were perhaps tucked away in Seungcheol’s room or somewhere else in this massive place. He couldn’t even fathom how much it might cost to live here. Joshua shook his head. It wasn’t his place to wonder those things. This job paid ridiculously well, and he didn’t want to do anything which might jeopardize that. Joshua had been more than a little shocked to read his contract last night, which Seungcheol had sent over yesterday it seemed. Seungcheol was offering him 2,000,000 won per weekend. When he read per weekend, Joshua had thought his heart had stopped. Seungcheol wanted to pay him more in one weekend that he’d been earning in one month from his 3 jobs in total. He’d felt torn. Torn between rejecting the outrageous sum outright and grabbing hold to this job and never letting go.

This was just one of the many things he’d been musing over during his early morning coffee. The contract had also held some interesting points. Such as due to the unsocial hours Joshua would be working, he would compensated per hour as he would not able to live his life normally. As such Seungcheol was also paying Joshua to sleep, on the off chance he needed to be driven somewhere at whenever o’clock. It also mentioned Seungcheol would cover all costs of food and housekeeping of the apartment, and expected nothing in return for this. No deductions from Joshua’s wages. Joshua was to also be reimbursed for his mobile phone costs, as he would need to use this for work and any travel costs he incurred getting to and from Seungcheol’s apartment. The list had seemed endless. He didn’t have many outgoings anymore, but all seemed to be now covered by Seungcheol somehow. Even to the silly point of the contract saying any clothing required by Joshua to perform his job would be covered by Seungcheol. It was a bit ridiculous and he wanted to talk to his employer about it before signing.

He’d managed to get the other paperwork back to him including personal and bank details etc. Out of curiosity Joshua had found himself checking his bank account and boom, sure enough the money for his first month was already in his account. Was Seungcheol worried he wouldn’t want to stay maybe? It was a bit over exaggerated. How on earth had he’d gotten this sorted on a Saturday? He’d not paid out of his own money had he. Before Joshua could contemplate this idea any further, his phone started ringing. The caller ID read ‘Soonyoung’, his other flatmate. Probably wondering where Joshua was. They usually crossed paths on a Saturday morning, Soonyoung off to his early morning dance class, Joshua to his old factory job.

_‘Yah, Joshua. Where you atttttt?’_

Joshua never got tired of Soonyoung’s unending enthusiasm, even at 7.30am in the morning. He was one of Joshua’s favourite people, besides Jeonghan of course. Soonyoung had a way of being entirely bright and giving with his attitude, yet you always knew he was listening and understood you. He was that kind of friend.

_‘Hiya, Soonie. You okay? Sorry, I didn’t tell you, but I started my new job. The one Minghao set up for me and it means I have to be away at the weekends. First night was last night actually.’_

_‘Oh, you got it then? Hao did mention something about new work, but I didn’t realise you’d be gone allllll weekend. When will we get ShuaSoon time?’_

It still never failed to make Joshua smile, when Soonyoung constantly made effort to spend time with him. He was forever making excuses just to keep Joshua company, even coming into the coffee shop some mornings to say good morning. The weekend evenings were when they got to spend the most time together, Joshua studying and Soonyoung practising dance moves, he was a dance major.

_‘I’m sorry Soonie, this job was too good to pass up. I promise to make it up to you, somehow.’_

He felt bad, no matter what he did. He was always letting someone down.

_‘Don’t worry Shua, I’ll just have to make sure I see you in the mornings to keep you bright. I’ll miss you though. When are you coming back?’_

_‘I’m popping by lunchtime to retrieve some of my stuff. As I’ll be here at the weekends, I want some of my clothes and I’ll need some more of my books. Will you be back from practice by then?_

_‘Yup, I finish at 11, so I’ll come home and hopefully catch you then. Talk laters.’_

Hanging up, Joshua felt a small smile reach the edges of his mouth. Soonyoung was another bright light in his life and even though the other boy didn’t know about his problems, he was always there for him. They’d been friends since Joshua’s first year, when they roomed together. Most people thought the two of them were a weird fit, with Soonyoung being loud and Joshua being quiet, but it worked perfectly, especially as when they got to know each other more Soonyoung showed Joshua his quieter side and Joshua shared his sassier, louder side.

People had more than one side and the two of them were in perfect balance. For the millionth time, he wondered whether he should tell Soonyoung his secret. He knew the boy would support him, but he didn’t want to burden anyone else with the worry. Joshua knew Soonyoung would take upon himself to help Joshua even more, he couldn’t do that to him. Not when Soonyoung was already working hard to support his own dream of becoming a dancer. Something his family were supportive of, but couldn’t really justify paying for.

The sound of a shower snapped Joshua out of his thoughts about Soonyoung. Seungcheol must be awake finally. Looking at his watch, he realised it was close to 8am and they would soon need to leave to get Seungcheol to his meeting on time. Joshua wondered why he had to meet a professor on a Saturday? Did Seungcheol used to be a student or was he still one? There was a lot to learn about his new boss and he wasn’t sure how much he wanted to know. Getting close to someone new wasn’t the best idea. He barely had time for his current friends. Joshua didn’t have the mental capacity for another person in his life, even someone as intriguing at Seungcheol. He didn’t even want to think about what had happened last night before the car journey. Joshua naturally wanted to take care of people and Seungcheol definitely needed someone to take care of him. He hoped it wasn’t an unwritten part of the job description.

\---------------

An hour and half later, Joshua found himself once again in the driver seat of a foreign car. This one bigger and bulkier than the one from the night before. Just as smooth to drive with a ridiculous number of dials to contend with. Apparently the more expensive the car, the more technology needed to justify the cost of said car, but Joshua wasn’t one to complain, especially as the cruise control function made the highways much easier to handle.

This time they were heading over to familiar territory to Joshua. Both attending National Seoul University it seemed, which made sense seeing as both Minghao and Jun attended there too. As promised the night before, Seungcheol had purchased the coffee, which Joshua was letting cool. He didn’t believe in drinking whilst driving, even hot coffee. Seungcheol hadn’t said much to him this morning. It was strange to spend so much time with someone you barely knew. And they’d already been through quite a lot together. It seemed close proximity to another person forced you to get to know one another pretty quickly. Joshua resolved to try and keep Seungcheol out of his life, as much as possible.

 _‘Are you okay to wait outside in the car? I’ll be 45 minutes with Professor Lang and then I have to drop in my research paper to Dr. Cronson. So, in total about an hour? Then we can head over to your apartment?_ ’

Seungcheol’s voice, soft as ever, broke Joshua out of his thoughts. It seemed all he did these days was get lost in them. There were so many thoughts, it’s a wonder he didn’t drown.

_‘Yes, that’s fine. I’ve got my coffee and some of my books. I’ll catch up on some reading.’_

The door opened and closed quickly with Seungcheol exiting the car. Joshua watched as he hurried over to the building they’d pulled up to, noticing the sign naming it the Business Block. It made sense really that Seungcheol would be doing a business degree, he seemed to faintly remember Hao talking about Jun doing something similar. Those two had gotten really close recently and Joshua had noticed a lot of flirting going on. Hao could be a bit closed off to these kinds of things, as some past boyfriends hadn’t treated him so well, so he hoped Jun would be both a good guy and one that persevered. Hao was a great person. Fiery and sassy, similar to Joshua’s own fire hence their friendship, but he was also sensitive and worried a lot about too many things, mostly his Korean. Minghao was also a dance a major like Soonyoung, which is how the 3 had come to be living together. Joshua couldn’t imagine living with anyone but the pair of them. Meeting them had made Korea feel like home.  

Getting out his books, Joshua settled in for some light reading. They were learning about the circulatory system this semester and how it basically gave life to everything in the body. Joshua had always been interested in fixing things, as a kid he’d always been trying to save birds and squirrels that had been injured. Even creating Joshua’s little veterinary practice in his garage. When he was older it had turned into a desire to help fix people. His dream was to become a doctor and save lives because that had meaning, something Joshua wanted from his life. Oh, the irony, he thought to himself a lot these days.

Returning his thoughts to his work, Joshua found his focus and soon forget where he was entirely, so when the car door was yanked open seemingly five minutes later by Seungcheol, Joshua jumped in his small seat and swung his arm out, only for it to collide with the hard and heavy car door. He winched in pain and scowled at his boss.

_‘Sorrrrry Joshua. I didn’t mean to scare you.’_

Joshua hears the faint sound of mocking in Seungcheol’s voice, and promptly chooses to ignore it. He couldn’t let Seungcheol think he could mock him already. They weren’t that close. It was hard enough not to like his new boss though, the smile which accompanied the mocking was pretty cute and the crinkle of his eyes, even cuter. Argh no, Joshua thought to himself, step away from the cute thoughts.

_‘Finished already? Let’s go.’_

Avoidance was the only way to deal with these types of feelings. Wait no, Joshua panicked, no feelings involved here. None at all.

The apartment was warm like usual. Hao hated the cold and was happy to pay the extra bills, which came from keeping it at such a hot temperature all the time. Joshua didn’t mind. Being from L.A originally, he preferred the heat especially during the ridiculously cold winters here in Seoul. Joshua tentatively called out to see if Soonyoung had made it home. He hoped not because a few steps behind him, looking quite sheepish was his new boss Seungcheol. Joshua hadn’t really wanted to introduce him so soon, but it had seemed the coffee from this morning had caught with his boss and he desperately needed to pee. Thus Joshua, being the kind soul, he was, had graciously offered him use of theirs. Damn him, and his kindness sometimes. He was supposed to be keeping his work and personal life separate. Glancing left down the corridor he could see Hao’s room door was shut, which was pretty normal. His and Soonyoung’s was open but no sound could be heard from either. Phew, hopefully he could swing in grab his stuff, and drag Seungcheol out before anyone would notice.

He wasn’t in luck today because as Joshua was packing up his overnight bag and Seungcheol was making use of their bathroom, he heard the tell-tail sound of keys in the lock and giggles. Soonyoung was home.

_‘SHUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. WHERE ARE YOU?’_

Soonyoung’s voice boomed across the apartment and Joshua winced inside. Seungcheol would probably be thinking he lived with a crazy person, because well he kind of did, but that wasn’t Seungcheol’s place to judge.

_‘ARE YOU IN THE BATHROOOOOOOOOOOOM? EURGH, HURRY UP AND PEE BECAUSE I GOT….’_

Joshua heard the sound of a door opening and words he can’t quite hear, then Soonyoung’s voice again.

_‘OH, WHO ARE YOU? Are you Shua’s new boss? You’re hot!!’_

And with that Joshua remembered why he doesn’t introduce Soonyoung to many people, because as much as he loves him, he’s frankly one of the most embarrassing people ever. Dear god, how’s he going to look Seungcheol in the eye now.

Time to save his boss before Soonyoung continues the tirade of embarrassment and says something Joshua will really not be able to deal with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooo another chapter! Bit longer this time - absolutely love writing Joshua's POV! Soonie & Hao are two other fave members of SVT. 
> 
> Anyway big shout out to my lovely beta (& bestie) Jayniebobbles :) So grateful to her for helping me with this fic - many a conversation has been had about where this story is going! Thank you again lovely.


	6. Secrets Hurt Those Around You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung worries a lot about Joshua.

Stood in front of Soonyoung was a very good-looking guy and he couldn’t wait to tease Joshua about it. To be fair, he hadn’t quite meant to blurt out the thing about him being hot. It was just sometimes he couldn’t control his mouth and it spoke before he could put his brain into action.  He wasn’t too bothered by it but sometimes Shua could get defensive, especially when it came to embarrassing him in front of other people, which Soonyoung did on a frequent basis. Not on purpose, of course.

The guy looked embarrassed too. If Soonyoung paid any attention to these things he might of at this point stopped talking, but he didn’t, so he just decided to introduce himself to the stranger.

‘ _Hi, my name is Kwon Soonyoung, Joshua’s flatmate and bestie! You must be Joshua’s new boss. What should I call you?’_

_‘Hello Kwon Soonyoung, best friend and flatmate of Joshua Hong. My name is Choi Seungcheol. You can call me Mr Choi.’_

Soonyoung blinked for a few moments, unsure as to whether this Choi Seungcheol was joking with him or not. He seemed quite serious, not someone Soonyoung was used to spending a lot of time around. He glanced around, trying to see if Joshua was in the near vicinity. Or anybody really who could save him. Normally he’d breeze straight past this kind of thing, but he didn’t want to put Joshua’s job in any kind of jeopardy. If Soonyoung knew anything about what was going on with Joshua, and he didn’t know much, he knew Joshua was basically obsessed with making money. So messing with any potential money giver, in this case Seungcheol, was out of Soonyoung’s comfort zone. Joshua had been so strange ever since coming back from the US this summer. He’d only been gone for July and had suddenly appeared in August with this new crazy obsession to work all the hours under the sun, and night. And the weirdest part was that he didn’t seem to be spending the money on anything, at all. Joshua was almost poorer than he’d been before.

Soonyoung, Minghao and Joshua had never been the richest of students, but they’d made do with what they’d had, together. Personally, Soonyoung was funding his own university life by teaching dance classes at the local dance school. His parents were the best, they loved him, but they couldn’t pay for his dream of dancing, not at university. Looking back, Soonyoung didn’t think it was all to do with the topic he’d chosen to pursue. His family weren’t exactly throwing money around and he knew they couldn’t afford to send him to university. So, he let them tell him it was about the dancing, nothing else. He loved them enough to let them do that at least. Minghao was a little better off than the two of them, but he often shared his good fortune. There was always ramen in the cupboard and he basically funded the heating bill for their shared apartment. Joshua on the other hand had always had spare money for nice coffee or a hearty meal out, but these days, he could barely afford to feed himself cereal. So much so that Minghao and Soonyoung had started taking turns to cook Joshua a portion from their own dinners. They were worried about him, but every time one of them brought it up, Joshua shut them down immediately and changed the subject. They felt helpless.

Sometimes Soonyoung would come home on a Saturday night to find Joshua passed out at the living room table, his head over books and looking exhausted. It was almost admirable in a way, the way he managed to fit everything in. It seemed Joshua’s university scores weren’t suffering, but he was. It really was only a matter of time before he fell apart. Hao and Soonyoung had spoken about it at length. No matter what happened and when it happened, they would be there to pick up the pieces. Joshua would let them in when he was ready to. Until then they just had to keep supporting him in any way they could, as much as Joshua would let them.

‘ _err Mr Choi...nice to meet you?’_

At that moment Soonyoung had never been so happy to see Joshua appear at the end of the corridor, emerging through his bedroom door. Watching Joshua make his way up to the pair with an exasperated look on his face, Soonyoung realised he was probably in Joshua’s bad books and to make it worse, he heard the faint sound of laughter emerging from the almost strangers’ lips. Soonyoung flung his head around to further investigate the noise, only to see the Seungcheol guy lose it and splutter out:

_‘I’m sorry, sorry. You just looked so nervous about the Mr Choi thing and then your face when Joshua came out. Is he that scary? Should I be worried?’_

The tension in the air disappeared immediately and Soonyoung felt like an idiot. The guy was messing with him. He felt partly relieved, partly annoyed. Who was this guy? Where did he get off being so rude? Though it didn’t matter really, Soonyoung thought, as long as he paid his bestie the money he so needed, Soonyoung would put up with him.

_‘SHUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’_

Forgetting the unfamiliar man in his apartment, Soonyoung launched himself at Joshua. He felt like he hadn’t seen him in days. It’d only been since Thursday, but two days were quite a lot of time when you were used to seeing someone every day. Soonyoung had made it his personal mission to take care of Joshua, and part of that was to make sure he saw him everyday to hug him. Soonyoung loved hugs, he thought they were one of the most important things in the universe. Everyone deserved hugs, they reminded you were loved and they were comforting. Soonyoung knew the world could be a harsh place, people sometimes thought of him as careless and naive, but really, he just preferred on focusing on what he could do about it, even in his small little ways.  

_‘Hi Soonyoung, Are you okay?’_

Joshua responded with one of his lovely smiles, one of the smiles that made Soonyoung feel like he was making a difference. Like he was somehow helping Joshua to keep a float in whatever was happening to him. Joshua followed his words with a shake of his head and a closing of his eyes, the look he spared only for his closest friends. The one that said why do I love you so much, you complete idiot. Soonyoung loved that smile, and responded in kind.

_‘I’m good. Just got back from training. Busy class today. You sticking around for lunch?’_

Soonyoung watched Joshua look to Seungcheol, as if to ask him what was next on the agenda. It made him wonder how this kind of job worked. Could Joshua do anything he wanted at the weekend or was it all on Seungcheol’s schedule. He felt worry rise in his throat. Did Joshua know what he’d gotten himself into? However, before he could even start to get worried, he was relieved to hear Seungcheol tell Joshua he was free to stay and have lunch with Soonyoung if he wanted. Jun had invited him to lunch on campus and would return him home. So, he could just meet Joshua there later, if Joshua was happy with that.

Joshua seemed happily surprised at the suggestion and Soonyoung decided then and there he probably shouldn’t be so quick to judge Seungcheol. Joshua was a good judge of character, plus this new boss was a friend of Hao’s friend. A friend of a friend was a friend, right?

40 minutes later, Soonyoung found himself at the table with Joshua and a bowl of freshly made Bibimbap. Joshua was a good cook, but never really had any time to cook anything anymore. Making this an unexpected treat for Soonyoung, he loved Joshua’s cooking and just generally being around his bestie.

_‘How’s the new job Shua? Job four then?’_

It was Soonyoung’s way of gently enquiring how Joshua was doing. He knew he’d see right through it, but he couldn’t not ask. He was too worried not too. Another job had really been the icing of the cake and he knew Joshua wouldn’t be able to cope with four jobs, no matter what he tried to argue.

_‘No, Job three. I quit the factory, as this new job paid so well. It’s good. Better than good really. Seungcheol’s nice and the apartment is very comfortable and before you ask I’m fine Soonyoung. I know you’re worried about me, both of you are, but I really need you to both trust me. Please.’_

Joshua looked a bit defeated and a bit desperate. Soonyoung saw the slight drop in Joshua’s hunched shoulders, as he placed food into his mouth and noticed how tired Joshua’s eyes looked and in generally how worried Joshua himself looked. He felt guilty. Joshua didn’t need anymore pressure from him. He really should drop it, but some bigger part of him knew he shouldn’t.

_‘I do trust you Joshua, but can’t you see how difficult is to see you like this? You look like you’re going to drop at any moment. I don’t want to add to your burdens but what is going on? Why do you need so many jobs? Why are you shutting Hao and me out? I know Jeonghan knows. Don’t worry he hasn’t said anything but anytime you’re really upset, you go to him. Please tell me, I want to help you. Support you. Please.’_

Soonyoung knows he’s messed up. He can’t help but wear his heart on his sleeve. Joshua and Hao are better at hiding their feelings. Soonyoung has never been one of these people. Whatever he feels needs to come out. He has to say something otherwise he thinks he would explode. It’s why he loves dancing so much, he can express a lot of what he’s thinking and feeling in those precious minutes whilst the music is playing.

Joshua’s looking at him with a pained expression on his face. Their food is long forgotten and the silence in the apartment is deafening. Soonyoung doesn’t know what’s going to happen next, he predicts Joshua will shut him down as usual, but he hopes he doesn’t. A problem shared is a problem, well not solved, but it’s lighter at least. He needs to be there for Joshua.

When Joshua speaks, Soonyoung is shocked. Joshua’s finally opening up. It’s taken Soonyoung’s straight up begging to get here but he’s thankful he pushed.

_‘You have to understand Soonyoung, it hurts so much. I didn’t want to burden you with it too. I’m sorry I’ve been so closed off and a terrible friend. I never meant for this to happen. I wanted to fix it before anyone would find out. I wanted to…I wanted to just do something. I couldn’t just stay there and watch, I had to come back to try and make the money to help. I wanted to contribute. This is the only way I could do that. I just can’t, I can’t lose her. She’s the most important person in my life and it’s not fair. Why did this happen to her?’_

Joshua’s lost in amidst the pain he’s reliving, whatever it is. Soonyoung feels the dread start to fill his stomach. Oh god, there’s only one-person Joshua could be talking about. This is bad, really bad. Joshua continues with his confession and Soonyoung can see the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He braces himself for impact.

_‘She’s sick, Soonyoung. My mom, she’s sick. She needs a life saving surgery but because it’s experimental, her insurance won’t pay for it. It’s $500,000 and we can’t afford it. I’m working because if I don’t, my mom will die, Soonyoung. I can’t lose her.’_

And with that Joshua loses it and Soonyoung joins him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooonyoung is so cute!! I love love his bright personality - so I hope I managed to show off both his bright & caring nature. Are you big fan of him? 
> 
> AND THE SECRETS OUT - poor Shua :( You all guessed straight away, it was so awesome. I'm so curious to know how you guessed right. I just want to give him a big hug. Next we get to meet Jun - I'm excited. Won't be doing so many other POVs & they'll be spread out in the story but I think it helps build the world & I love Soon & Hao :)
> 
> See you next week! Thank you for reading this fic - it means lots to me. Comments always appreciated :)


	7. Old & New Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some surprising connections appear.

Seungcheol met Jun at the campus coffee shop, he used to frequent it often last semester when he was a full-time student. Since stepping up to the CEO role, he’d not had as much free time to spare. So, this was a rare treat, plus a chance to catch-up with his long time faithful friend. Jun had mentioned in his text, about bringing someone with him and Seungcheol suspected it could be the mysterious Minghao, who he was even more intrigued to meet now he had Joshua working for him. He wondered if he could learn anything more about his strange employee, who played the piano beautifully and seemed to want to keep him at arm’s length.

It had been a little embarrassing having to ask to use the bathroom in Joshua’s apartment, but he’d had no choice and the little impromptu meeting with Soonyoung had been both funny and awkward. Joshua’s flatmate had seemed kind hearted, something which Seungcheol could do with more of in his life. If Joshua allowed it, of course. Upon entering his favourite coffee place, he instantly recognised one of the members of staff, Boo Seungkwan.

_‘Hi Seungkwan. Long time no see. How are you?’_

_‘Cheollie! I’ve missed you. Why haven’t you been to visit me? You know how I hate waiting. I’ve been sad not seeing your face.’_

Seungkwan was entirely his own type of person. He was flirty, friendly, sassy, simplistic and full-on. Quite a lot to handle all the time, but he was great in small doses. Well at least that’s what Seungcheol believed. He wasn’t sure how Seungkwan’s boyfriend, Vernon, put up with him. Guess some people were just made for each other.

Vernon was a pretty laid-back person, which seemed to compliment Seungkwan perfectly. Seungcheol had gotten to know Vernon through Seungkwan last year and had been privileged to witness their love story first hand. From Vernon watching Seungkwan at work to their light-hearted flirting to watching them kiss in the snow outside the coffee house. Just thinking about it made Seungcheol feel wistful for his own long-forgotten love life.

_‘I’m sorry, life’s just been crazy. Business has been going well. How’s everything with you? All good with Vernon?_ ’ asked Seungcheol.

_‘Things are good. We’ve just hit 9 months, not that he would even notice that kind of thing, but you know me. I hope he remembers. Still doing the whole CEO thing then? Always thought you’d be quite good at that, though looks like Wonwoo’s being missing you. See him quite often, writing away. You used to do that together, right?’_

Seungcheol paused for a moment, he’d forgotten about his writing sessions with Wonwoo. Well, he’d not forgotten, he’d forced himself to forget. It was a bit too painful to remember. They felt like memories from another life. Another life he couldn’t even entertain now. Being a CEO was the only life he could consider.

_‘Do you see him often? I haven’t spoken to him a while actually.’_

Raising a thoughtful eyebrow Seungkwan responded quietly, _‘He comes in regularly. I think sometimes he’s hoping you’ll turn up one day.’_

Seungcheol sighed internally. He’d not thought about Wonwoo in a while. If he was honest with himself, they’d almost been a thing. The evenings they’d spent writing together had been ones of happiness for Seungcheol but it was part of another life. Being around Wonwoo reminded him of what he couldn’t have. What he couldn’t be.

His friendship with Wonwoo had surprised him. The boy in question didn’t open up to too many people, and when Seungcheol had first met him he’d thought of him as fairly stuck up. They’d met in their second-year literature class and partnered on a project in the first semester. As the project had gone on, Wonwoo had opened up and Seungcheol had found himself falling for the quiet boy with few but important words.  Wednesday nights had been reserved for writing and Wonwoo. When he’d become the CEO of his mother’s company, he’d given up writing and therefore also he’d given up Wonwoo.

Seungcheol had been a coward though and had simply never told Wonwoo how he’d felt. So the feelings had been left unspoken and never acted upon. An almost love story. He sadly chuckled to himself and felt sorry towards Wonwoo. He hoped in time he would forget Seungcheol.

_‘oh, thank you for telling me Seungkwan. Today I’m actually here to see Jun. Have you seen him yet? Also, can I order a Caramel Mocha please?’_

_‘No problem Cheollie – large Caramel Mocha coming up! Jun’s over at the back booth, with a friend but you probably know that. Also, Vernon said to ask you when we can next do pizza and game night?’_

Seungcheol paused to consider, this weekend was probably a bad idea with it being Joshua’s first weekend, but next weekend would work better. _’How about next Saturday? You guys can come to mine, because you know I have the best gaming system! I’ll shout some pizza too, to make up for being a crappy friend!’._

He knew he didn’t have to pay for everything. Seungkwan and Vernon had never once used him for his money. Most of the time acting like he didn’t have a ridiculous amount to his name. Something he greatly appreciated. Seungkwan nodded in confirmation and promptly moved onto the next customer. Seungcheol hadn’t noticed the little queue behind him, which had formed during their short exchange.

Waiting for his coffee took no time, due to the coffee shop being fully staffed for once and he made his way to the booth Seungkwan had mentioned earlier. Sitting around the small table was his best friend and an unfamiliar face. Seungcheol instantly realised this was indeed the infamous Minghao. Mostly because of the way his best friend was staring at the stranger. With those small star-filled eyes he knew so well.

_‘Seungcheol, you made it finally,’_

_‘Hi Jun, Hi Minghao!’_

The boy next to Jun looked questioningly at him, unsure as to how Seungcheol knew who he was but it seemed he wasn’t bothered enough to say anything with the chorus of hellos he received from them both.

_‘So Minghao, thank you by the way for recommending Joshua. He’s performed well so_ far’, Seungcheol couldn’t keep the serious tone out of his voice. He didn’t want it to get back to Joshua that he seemed anything but professional towards him. Seungcheol had to remember although this was his best friend at the table, it was also one of Joshua’s, which meant he couldn’t be as open as he would’ve liked but it was good to see Jun anyway.

_‘No problem Seungcheol. I knew he’d do a good job, otherwise I wouldn’t have recommended him’._

Minghao’s tone was sharp. Seungcheol wondered whether this was because he had almost insinuating that Joshua was anything less than perfect or whether it was just Minghao’s general personality. If it was his personality, then it would definitely match his sharp features. Minghao had the look of a sly animal about him. However, his eyes made him look softer, perhaps how Jun had been lured in. Seungcheol chuckled to himself.

_‘Thanks again Minghao. So, how’s school? I hope Jun hasn’t been bothering you too much since I disappeared on him.’_

_‘School’s fine thanks. Been taking a new class in Mathematics, which has been good. Jun is fine. I like his company’._

As much as Seungcheol was trying, it seemed impossible to get any kind of reaction out of Minghao. He was honest and upfront, something he approved of. Even if he failed to do himself at times. Well, a lot of the time but Jun deserved the best. Seungcheol thought back to when Jun had first mentioned the boy. ‘ _Seungcheol, Seungcheol. I met a boy today in my martial arts class. He’s new to the team. He even corrected me on my technique, which at first threw me but then I realised he was way better than me and really knew his stuff. He didn’t speak much after that, but he seems nice.’_

It hadn’t changed much after that either, and it had been as endearing as the first time. Jun had rung up with a _‘Seungcheol he spoke to me again, pointed out something else I was doing wrong. It was pretty funny how wrong I was’_ here and a ‘ _Seungcheol, he brought water for me today. He’s so nice’_ there _._

By now Seungcheol knew Jun had a thing for Minghao, but he hadn’t been sure whether it was a mutual thing. Looking at them across the table, he knew it was. Whether they’d spoken about it out loud or not. The way Minghao cast small glances towards Jun when Seungcheol was speaking to see how Jun was reacting, was undeniably cute. Seungcheol was happy for his best friend. As heirs, secluded off from the normal world, the two of them had clung to each other to try to find a sense of normalcy in their worlds. University had been the making of them both and it was good to see that Jun had found someone else he could depend upon.

_‘Where is Joshua by the way? Isn’t he supposed to be with you the whole weekend?’_ Jun questioned with his usual nosy attitude. He was both observant and a know-it-all.

_‘He’s back at the apartment with Soonyoung. We were just popping by when you rang. Told him you’d drive me home actually’_. Throwing on his brightest smile he pointedly looking at Jun, knowing he wouldn’t be able deny his request.

_‘Ahh Seungcheol. We were actually going to head into Hongdae after this. So, if you want to come with, I can drop you off later?’_

Seungcheol considered for a moment. Joshua could probably do with some more time with his friend too. ‘ _Yeah, sure. Let’s do it. I could do with an afternoon off from my life._ ’ After more messages being sent off to Joshua, he then proceeded to get to know the serious, but cute, boy his best friend had fallen for.

\--------

Hongdae was buzzing.

It had been a while since he’d been in this part of town. The streets of Hongdae were always filled with a variety of people, including a lot of international faces. It had food carts and shops all the way around and often you could catch street performances of wanabe Idols. Jun and Seungcheol used to have a tradition to come down on a Saturday evening to stuff their faces full of Hotteok. Some vices were definitely worth it and Seungcheol’s sweet tooth was hard to control.

Following Minghao and Jun down the packed street towards their old favourite stall, Seungcheol couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealously. It seemed Jun had found a replacement for him in his life. One that seemed to fit perfectly in his old place. Seungcheol knew it was pathetic to think like this, but he’d already lost so much this year.

He didn’t think he could take losing Jun too.

Jun wasn’t that kind of person, he knew that. Seungcheol being invited with them on their obvious non-date was evidence enough that Jun wasn’t like that. Seungcheol told himself to stop being an idiot and enjoy this rare free-time. Being a CEO was basically a never ending to-do list, so unless he made a choice to have some free time, it never happened and he really didn’t want to make it about how lonely Seungcheol felt sometimes and how Taemin, his old driver, had become more like a best friend than an employee. He wondered if the same thing would happened with Joshua. Did he even want it to happen again? It had been really painful when Taemin had given his notice in and Seungcheol still wondered if the reasons he gave were the actual truth.

Maybe he’d never know the whole truth about it, but perhaps he should be a bit more cautious with Joshua. Oh who was he kidding? He was too open with his feelings to stay closed off. The exact opposite of Joshua it appeared.

_‘Hyung, come over here. They’ve got a special flavour on today. Jun said you had a massive sweet tooth. Let me get you one, then let’s go to that new Bubble Tea place’_.

Minghao’s friendly enthusiasm to include Seungcheol made his heart sing. He decided he really liked Minghao. It seemed his world was far more connected than he ever could have imagined and perhaps that wasn’t the worst thing in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tough week as I've been away (I'm still away, so forgive me if it's not as good this week! I love Wonwoo - poor baby!!!
> 
> Thanks for reading my story - this has because one of my favourite things in my life. So I love to hear your thoughts on it.


	8. Back to Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua returns to his normal routine.

Turning off his alarm promptly, Joshua felt reality sink back in for another morning. This was the third morning since he’d returned to the normal world, as he saw it. Being in Seungcheol’s world still felt like a dream world to him. It hadn’t even felt like work and Sunday had gone by so fast. Before he’d known it, he was making his way home to his own bed and back to the reality of having three jobs. Waking up at the crack of dawn had been painful after his two cushy lay-ins over at the penthouse. The dream was somewhat over.

Rubbing his eyes, his mind wondered back to his Sunday morning start, which had been similar yet different to the Saturday version. The only difference being Seungcheol. They’d spent a few hours in each other’s company without saying much and as each hour passed in each other’s company, Joshua felt like he learnt something new about his boss. It was a strange feeling to get close to someone you hadn’t chosen to. It was almost like a forced friendship but strangely at the same time, it felt anything but forced. Joshua has concluded it must be due to the fact they had mutual friends that they’d got on, but it only explained a part of it, the other half of the equation was still surprising.

Glancing at his alarm, which betrayed him with the seconds ticking by far too quickly, Joshua forced his body to move. He would never like getting up this early, but he would do it until the end of time, if it meant he could help his mom. Telling Soonyoung had been upsetting. The other had seemed so worried about him. Joshua hadn’t understood how much concern he’d caused those around him, as he’d been so focused on solving the problem. He’d failed to see how Soonyoung had been suffering. Even Minghao. He’d felt so selfish, so he’d opened up and told the truth. Soonyoung, although at first devastated, had quickly recovered and had been a great support. Listening to Joshua talk through his worries.

So far, he’d only told Jeonghan about how much he was worried about his mom. How he missed her so much. How he wanted to drive to the airport each day and just get on a flight to see her. How he questioned whether he was doing the right thing every day. Each time he wondered these questions, he always came back to the same answers, the same choices. It was nice to have another voice, another opinion. Soonyoung had agreed with Joshua. Staying to finish his degree was the smart choice, especially if it meant he could pay back the loans in the long run.

Joshua had a plan. To pay for his mother’s operation they needed a down payment and then there would be a monthly repayment plan, like for the rest of his life, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was the $50,000 down payment. The operation his mother needed was so experimental, her insurance had simply refused to pay for it, which left Joshua’s family scrabbling to put the money together in time.

It wasn’t an impossible amount to make. His dad earnt a good wage and his extended family were helping but it wasn’t enough. They still had a whopping $25,000 to raise. This was why Seungcheol’s job was so important to Joshua. He could make so much more money working for him. He’d worked it out – it would take just over three months for him to now make the money instead of the year’s he’d predicted previously. Seungcheol’s job was the lifeline his family needed to survive. He didn’t event want to contemplate what would happen if he didn’t make the money in time.

\---------

Joshua preferred his job at the coffee house over his job at the bar, even though he was very fond of his little Dongseng. He was just much more a morning person. The energy he could muster by the end of the day was pathetic and he was always yawning behind the bar.

Poor Chan. He was always working extra hard when he was on a shift with Joshua. Perhaps when this was all over, he would be able to take him and treat to some BBQ but until then he would just have to keep making him suffer. The coffee house was a complete role reversal, which saw Joshua being the most active member of staff. Seungkwan and DK were prone to becoming distracted easily. Seungkwan especially when his boyfriend Vernon was hanging around, which happened all the time. DK had his head in the clouds and would often forget orders between hearing them and trying to input them into the till. However, they made Joshua laugh and it was always fun to work with them.

The morning shift had been hectic so far, his third since returning from Seungcheol’s. They’d run out of milk right in the middle of the 8am rush, which had caused Seungkwan to have a meltdown. Joshua stepped in like he always did instructing Seungkwan to go onto the tills and inform people who were waiting there would be a slight delay on milk based drinks and for any non-milk drinkers to come to the front.

He’d then instructed DK to pop to the café two doors down to borrow some emergency milk and then sent off another member of staff to the local supermarket to restock. Joshua had then placed himself on the drink making station. Pressure was something Joshua understood, and he worked well under it. Where others would fall apart, Joshua found himself remaining calm and coming up with a plan.

When he’d found out about his mom being sick, he’d done the same thing. It hadn’t been until much later that dreadful day, when he’d been alone in his room, had he broken down and cried. His mom was the most important person in his life, and to think her life was in danger, just didn’t compute in Joshua’s brain. He’d gone into super organisation mode so fast and by the time he’d returned to Seoul he’d already secured the job at the coffee house because of a classmate. Then it hadn’t been long before he’d found the job at the bar through Jeonghan, and then lastly the factory job had followed, due to one of his bar colleagues. Joshua’s reputation of being a hard worker amongst his friends had enabled him to secure work easily. He was grateful to them all.

Within 15 minutes the coffee house returned to normal, with plenty of milk now stocked in the fridge, and Joshua once more at the tills, his usual place. What wasn’t normal was the person queuing up for a drink. Someone he’d never seen before, well not in his coffee house.

_‘Seungcheol, what are you doing here?’_ Joshua spat out, unable to hide his surprise, and delight, if he was honest to himself. Which he was not being.

_‘Oh Joshua, you work here? I’ve got an early class I can’t miss, but as I woke up late, I’ve had no coffee yet. This is my favourite coffee shop on campus!’_

_‘Oh wow! That’s a coincidence. Do you come here often?’_ Joshua’s mind whirled. How many times had Seungcheol come in when Joshua had been working, and he’d just not noticed him? Maybe never, maybe multiple time. Joshua would’ve remembered him, wouldn’t he?

_‘Not a lot anymore to be honest. Not since I went part time at University. Used to spend all my time here though. Almost like a second home.’_

Seungcheol got a wistful look in his eye, that Joshua couldn’t place, and he wondered what memories this place held for Seungcheol. What secrets have been squirreled away into the little dark corners of the coffee house.  

_‘I see. Well what can I get for you, Seungcheol? Do you have a usual?’._ It’s a little too early in their friend…work relationship for him to know what Seungcheol had regularly.

_‘He’ll have a Caramel Mocha Shua!! Hi, Cheollie – wow two visits in the space of one week. Aren’t we lucky!!_ ’. Seungkwan seemed to appear out of nowhere with his usual loud voice startling both Joshua and Seungcheol with his words and use of their nicknames.

It made Joshua feel awkward. Seungcheol was seeing more of his personal life again, it made him feel uncomfortable. But in all fairness, it seemed Seungcheol was uncomfortable as well. It made Joshua wonder how many people in his life knew Seungcheol too? And how they hadn’t crossed paths before? Life was funny sometimes.

_‘Thanks, Kwannie. No friends this time, just a lecture.’_ Seungcheol then turned to look Joshua in the eye, something both had been avoiding since Seungkwan’s awkward interruption _. ‘Please can I have an Iced Caramel Mocha, Joshua. To go?’_

The next moment had Seungkwan looking from Joshua to Seungcheol back to Joshua with an enthusiastically, surprised look on his face. _‘You know each other?’,_ Joshua was uncomfortable again. Was this to be his constant state of being now?

And if he wasn’t uncomfortable, he was worried. Joshua pushed his feelings down like usual and nodded his affirmation to the request. He just wanted to go back to the professional relationship they had established last Sunday. It had been blissful for Joshua. Seungcheol had been in his office all day, and Joshua had been left to do his University work. For once, he’d even been able to do his extra reading, finish his essay early and get a good night’s sleep. All without a single word from Seungcheol. Blissful.

But now here was Seungkwan trying to bring them together, to become something more than employer/employee. He didn’t like it.

_‘Joshua works for me at the weekend, Seungkwan, as my driver. He replaced Taemin. He’ll be there this weekend, when you come over. I hope that’s okay with you both. I didn’t realise you knew each other though. I assume it means you know Vernon too?’_

Joshua nodded as he received Seungcheol’s order from a hard-working DK. At least someone was working. It would be weird to see his friends whilst at work, but also it would be nice too. Joshua never really got to spend any time with Seungkwan or Vernon because of his workload and jobs. So it killed two birds with one stone.

_‘It’s cool. Happy to see more of them both. Will anyone else be joining_?

Joshua wondered whether Jun would be coming too, and thus by default probably Minghao too. Seungcheol confirmed his suspicions, both Jun and Minghao were coming. Joshua brightened at the thought, he loved to spend more time with Hao. He worried a bit about Soonyoung, but it wasn’t his place to invite friends and last Saturday’s first meeting hadn’t gone great. Maybe next time.

_‘Great. I’ll see you on Friday Joshua. 7pm is fine this week, as I don’t have a meeting until Saturday morning’._

With that Seungcheol left with his cold drink in hand and a smile on his face. Only after a few minutes had passed did Joshua realise how weird it was to order a cold drink in October, and then after a few more minutes, he also realised, he secretly kind of liked that about him.

\------------

The rest of Joshua’s week flew by. He had lunch with Minghao and Soonyoung on Thursday. The three of them were always trying to squeeze in some time together between Joshua’s classes. Soonyoung had announced there was a new kid in his weekend dance class, who even the super dancer Soonyoung was impressed with. The kid didn’t go to their university, instead he apparently produced music for one of big companies. It’s not something Joshua knew much about but he’s happy Soonyoung had a new distraction, especially away from Joshua’s news and from the other feeling’s Joshua knew he harboured.

When the conversation had moved onto Minghao, Joshua had learnt about Hao meeting Seungcheol for the first time. Joshua hadn’t been able to deny that he was intrigued to hear what his best friend had thought of his new boss. Friendly and fun was the verdict, but he’d also thought Seungcheol was hiding something. Hao also mentioned how close Jun and Seungcheol were. It didn’t shock Joshua to learn this, as Jun was one of the people Seungcheol mentioned regularly. At first, Joshua had thought Seungcheol may have had feelings for Jun, but he had quickly realised, Jun was like family to Seungcheol. He mentioned him so much, because he was like his brother. He hoped.

What did shock Joshua was Hao’s eagerness for Seungcheol to like him. Usually Hao didn’t care whether people liked him or not. So, for Hao to care what Seungcheol thought, meant only one thing to Joshua; Minghao liked Jun. When he’d realised this, he’d glanced over at Soonyoung, who as usual had displayed an unaffected look on his face, except maybe the tiny twitch just to the left of his mouth. Poor Soonie, Joshua had thought, it must be hard to be in love with one of your best friend’s and watch them fall in love with someone else.

Joshua had known for a while, not because Soonyoung had told him, but because Joshua was a watcher. He’d see things other people didn’t. He even thought, he’d known before Soonyoung knew himself. It had happened sometime before the end of their second year. Soonyoung had just started to stare more at Hao and Joshua had watched him come alive anytime he’d spent time with Minghao. He wondered what would’ve happened if Soonyoung had confessed before, but he hadn’t. And summer had come and gone which brought with it the arrival of Jun, who’d started to make a bigger appearance in their lives from that point. Joshua had meant to encourage him to say something before but with his mom, he’d never had a moment to do it before it had been to late for Soonyoung.

Joshua hurt seeing Soonyoung hurt, but he also knew it wasn’t his responsibility. He would never tell Soonyoung he knew, and he’d never tell Minghao about Soonyoung’s feelings. If there was one thing Joshua was good at, it was keeping a secret.

\-----------

When it comes to Friday, Joshua finds himself at his apartment packing his bag for the weekend again with Jeonghan to keep him company. He’s more prepared for Seungcheol’s this time around, as he knows what to expect. He throws in a few clothes, including some of his smarter shirts. Although Seungcheol hasn’t specified a uniform, Joshua takes a certain pride in his appearance and wants to look appropriate for the job. So, they’ll do for now.

Jeonghan suggests he takes his guitar with him too. Having mentioned the free time, he’d found himself having last Saturday whilst Seungcheol had been out with Jun and Minghao. It was a good suggestion. If he was ever going to have time to play, it’d be at Seungcheol’s and he was sure he could leave it there as well. Lastly, he adds a few of his fiction books into the bag, another leisurely pursuit, which had gone down the drain this summer.

_‘What do you think of Seungcheol?_ ’

Jeonghan’s lying across Joshua’s bed in his usual horizontal position, browsing his phone, not looking like he’s paying attention to Joshua at all, which is why the question seems so out of the blue. Also, no-one’s really asked him that yet. All the questions so far have been, _‘How’s the new job?_ ’ ‘ _What’s his apartment like?_ and _‘How can you give up your whole weekend like that?’._ It makes Joshua pause to consider the enquiry. What did he think? He knows he’s had some strange thoughts about his new boss and he’s tried to squash them. He knows he can be honest with Jeonghan with no repercussions.

_‘It’s strange, I feel like I’ve known him for much longer than I have. He’s thoughtful. I like the way he tries to take care of me so much, like somehow, I’m doing him a favour rather than him paying me. He never seems to take anything for granted. He works hard. I like that about him. He has things he doesn’t talk about but other than that, he’s open with me. I’ve tried to not let him in, but he seems to have a power to get in without trying hard. He doesn’t ask about anything too personal and he’s respectful. We just seem to get on really well. Both organised and dedicated to our endeavours. I admire him, a lot.’_

Jeonghan looks thoughtful, as if deciding whether to say something to Joshua. He’s never been one to hide his true thoughts form Joshua but lately Jeonghan’s been more cautious whenever talking about feelings. This time it seems, he decides to say something.

_‘You know Joshua, it is okay to let people in. I know you don’t want to burden people with what’s going on, or must hide it from more people but if you like him, you can let him in. Before you say anything, I know he’s your boss but that won’t be forever. Don’t throw away a connection like that. In times like this, it’s important to have people around you make you feel good.’_

_‘I…. he’s my boss Jeonghan. I can’t let him in. I don’t want to put him in a compromising position. I would hate it if he ever thought I was only friends with him because I needed money and I don’t want to burden him anymore, then he already is. You should’ve seen him on Saturday. I can’t tell you what happened, but stuff has happened to him, stuff he’s not dealt with and to be honest I don’t know if I can either.’_

_‘To be honest, Joshua. It just sounds like you’re making excuses. Pretty crappy ones. It doesn’t take much just to be someone’s friend. You can at least do that.’_

Deep down, he knows Jeonghan is right. He can’t keep Seungcheol at arm’s length forever and if he can take control of the situation, deciding where they stand with each other. It would make things easier. They can be friends. He can do friends.

Later, on his way to his second shift with Seungcheol. Joshua finds he can only think of how Seungcheol looked last Sunday with his morning coffee, as he sat on the sofa beside Joshua and they watched the world wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter this week- really wanted to get back into Joshua's world and get to know some of the other character's better!! All in the build up for next week's fun chapter :)
> 
> Poor Soon ehh!! Why do I keep hurting him?


	9. A Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Game night finally comes & it brings up some uncomfortable feelings for Seungcheol.

Friday night rolls around quickly for Seungcheol and he’s surprised about how much he’s anticipating seeing Joshua again. He enjoyed their first weekend together. The anxiety he felt at this point the week before has long since vanished and instead been replaced with a hint of excitement. Joshua will be arriving in under 15 minutes and he’s looking forward to it. Seeing him on Wednesday at the Coffee House had taken him back and observing Joshua interacting with his close friends had spooked him slightly. Seungcheol had to wonder how much their two worlds had been sliding past one another over the past year. Like two ships passing in the night. It was comforting in a way, to know the person he was entrusting his life with was adored by the people he admired.

Seungcheol glanced around the penthouse one last time, he had a cleaner, but he felt a certain sense of pride is having his home in order, so he wanted to double check everything was in place. The penthouse had felt quite lonely this week. Just having another body in the place gave it a sense of life you couldn’t replace with television or music. This weekend it would be full of people.

Seungcheol had forgotten the last time his friends had come over. It must’ve been back at the beginning of summer, so not too bad, but it still felt like it had been an age. He hoped Joshua felt comfortable with his friends being over. To help he’d made sure that Jun had asked Minghao to come as well, so Joshua would feel more relaxed. This job was inconvenient enough as it was. Seungcheol felt it was important for Joshua to feel like this was almost his second home. There had been signs of Joshua resisting this though, which worried Seungcheol. Joshua hasn’t unpacked last weekend and he’d not left anything behind on his exit. He knew it didn’t really matter whether Joshua felt at home, but Seungcheol disliked the idea of Joshua not coming back one day. He shook his head, stop it Seungcheol, those thoughts will only end badly.

He finished his final sweep of the apartment and sat down to wait for Joshua. The thought he might need to get a life crossed his mind, when he realised he was sat waiting on a Friday night for his member of staff to arrive.

\------

7pm on the dot, Seungcheol’s apartment phone rang. It was reception’s way of telling him Joshua was on his way up. This time, Seungcheol was determined to present a better version of himself. The Friday before, he’d been so panicked about his tie, he’d not been able to greet Joshua properly. Something he felt he should rectify this week. Seungcheol walked to the lobby and watched the lift doors waiting for Joshua to step out. A small smile played across his lips. He was happy. Barely 1 minute had passed by when he heard the familiar whine of the lift as it came to a halt. For such an expensive building, the lift really shouldn’t make noises like that but Seungcheol liked how it reminded him of a place that was lived in. Not a perfect cage that his life was neatly packed into, which is how he often felt in his home.

The doors swooshed open and Joshua stepped out. He was dressed in plain black jeans and a light blue shirt. The buttons were popped open at the top, revealing the top of his collarbone. Over the shirt and jeans, he had a light blue woollen coat, which stopped just above his knee. On his shoulder Seungcheol saw he had a guitar shaped bag and in his right hand, a small holdall. The same one Joshua had brought with him last week, which Seungcheol suspected had his clothes and books in. He also realised Joshua’s nose was bright red from the cold and a small smile on his lips, reminiscent of the one Seungcheol has been sporting a few moments before.

_‘Hi’_ , came the breathless opening statement from the boy in front of him. For a few moments, Seungcheol was unable to move. Joshua looked almost heavenly and his breath was taken from his lungs. Seungcheol shook his head to try and clear both his vision and his mind, which helped to send away the fog Joshua’s arrival had created.

_‘Hi, Joshua. Perfect timing as usual I see. I’m guessing I can expect this every weekend’,_ Seungcheol teased.

Ignoring the teasing completely, Joshua ever the professional responded immediately, _‘Of course, I hate to be late. Being punctual is a point of character. How are you today by the way? It’s cold out. I’m guessing you’ve not made it outside though as you look far too warm!!’_

Seungcheol’s pleasantly surprised, Joshua’s already more open than last weekend. He wonders what caused it, but also, he doesn’t want to wonder too much, for fear of causing him to distance himself again. _‘You’re right, I haven’t. I’m not a big fan of the cold, much prefer to be warm and just watch the cold.’_

_‘Ahh I see. I don’t mind the cold so much, as long as I’ve got a coffee in my hand.’_ Seungcheol watches Joshua’s eye crinkle in happiness at the thought of cold days with a coffee in hand. He stores the information away and makes a promise to bring this thought to life for the boy in front of him. Noticing Joshua is struggling with his guitar and bags, there was an extra bag on his back which he now notices, he rushes forward to take something from him. Joshua flashes him a grateful smile and passes him his holdall. They make their way to Joshua’s room, or the guest room as Joshua calls it. Seungcheol’s determined to make Joshua call it his own someday.

Seungcheol has a rare free Friday evening, as he’s not got a meeting until the morning, so he asks Joshua if he wants to share some take-out and watch a film. For a moment, he thinks Joshua might decline but he doesn’t. In under hour from Joshua’s arrival, Seungcheol finds himself on the sofa in his games room with Vietnamese food before him (Joshua’s Choice) and a happy looking Joshua to his right. The film they’ve chosen is the latest Marvel film, Thor: Ragnarok. Seungcheol is really into the marvel films, but he can tell it’s not quite Joshua’s cup of tea, even though he readily agreed when Seungcheol suggested it. He doesn’t make anything of it though, as it’s a perfect balance of interests, Joshua’s food and Seungcheol’s film. It’s not until about an hour into the film that Seungcheol notices he’s now watching the film alone. Having long since finishing their food, the two of them had settled back on the sofa to watch the film. They were sat about a person’s width apart, not quite comfortable to sit right next to each other yet but still content enough to be in one another’s personal space.

He watches Joshua’s chest rise up and down in long deep breathes and Seungcheol feels like he’s being let onto a special kind of secret. He doesn’t imagine many get to see Joshua looking this way. Looking so fragile, and yet so serene. To Seungcheol, he feels the Joshua he’s just met has never looked so at peace. He wonders yet again why Joshua always looked so determined all the time and why it seemed he could never relax. Seungcheol watches for a few moments more before he starts to worry about Joshua waking up and seeing him staring, thinking it could cause more awkwardness between the two. He’s now faced with a dilemma. He doesn’t want to wake up the sleeping Joshua, but he also thinks Joshua may find it unprofessional for him to be carried to his room. With common sense overriding his personal feelings, he leans over to gently shake Joshua on the shoulder.

_‘Joshua, wake up. I think you should head to bed now.’_ Seungcheol says it as softly as he can but with a firm tone in this voice. He doesn’t want Joshua to argue with him over this. It looks like Joshua needs the sleep more than anything, so he’s pleased when the sleepy boy opens his eyes and nods his head affirmatively. As Seungcheol begins to tidy up the room, he notices Joshua go to help him.

_‘Don’t worry about this. I’ll sort it, you just head to bed and I’ll see you in the morning. I’ve got a meeting at 9am, so we need to be ready to go by 8am. Okay?’_ Joshua nods again and sleepily walks over to the door, with a half-wave of his hand and Seungcheol hears a gentle ‘ _Goodnight’_.

Then Joshua’s gone and Seungcheol’s left alone to clear away the food and turn the film off. Seungcheol can’t help but think Joshua looked adorable in his sleep-ridden state. He shakes his head once again to clear the thoughts he shouldn’t be having and exits the room.

\----------------

Saturday flies by with his meeting going well in the morning. Joshua’s much more relaxed this weekend with his driving and the morning passes by without incident. In fact, Seungcheol even convinces Joshua to join him for lunch, even though Joshua complains about how much money Seungcheol’s spending on him.

Seungcheol shakes his head, it’s nice to spend his money on someone. He’s always had money in his life. Being an heir from such a young age meant money was just something he never had to think about in the context of what was too much. What he had learnt about money so far, was all the money in the world couldn’t make you a less lonely person. So, having someone to treat and spend his time with, and his money on was pleasing to Seungcheol. He was determined to share his good fortune with the people he cared about, which now seemed to include Joshua as well.

By the evening they’ve stocked up on some beers. Seungcheol has also picked up a few new games for them to play and they’ve even gone to the 7/11 to get some candy for the guys. He’s ordered pizza, so he doesn’t need food, but he wants to fully create a party atmosphere, so he can just relax with his friends. He wants to remember what it’s like to just be a normal university kid, with friends coming over to game and they can stuff their faces with pizza.

Vernon, and Seungkwan arrive first just after half 7 with food on their mind. Seungcheol gets the pizza ordered sharpish. He knows he’s ordered too much, but his friends can take the leftovers home. Another little gesture Seungcheol finds himself doing, just so he can spread the money love around. Next arrive Jun and Minghao about half an hour late. Jun’s never been one to arrive on time, but ever since he started hanging out with Minghao, Seungcheol’s noticed a rise in the times Jun’s been more or less on time. Seungcheol thinks timeliness might matter a whole lot more to the younger.

With the 6 of them gathered in his kitchen, the noise levels have risen somewhat. He hears Joshua and Minghao chatting away about their day and Seungcheol considers how often they see each other with the amount of time Joshua must be working. Probably not a lot. He sees Jun engage Seungkwan in conversation about the coffee house, their mutual point of interest and lastly, he looks over to Vernon, who’s sat patiently by his boyfriend’s side. Frequently nodding along to Seungkwan’s words.

It’s nice to have them all here, Seungcheol thinks. He joins the conversation about the coffee house, as it moves on to what games they’ve been playing and what they want to play tonight. Vernon’s been obsessed with a team attack game and they all agreed to try it out. Thankfully it’s one he already has. Seungcheol’s games room, which is the same room he watches his films in, is kitted out with four gaming controls. So, they can play as teams. It’s the reason his friends say they bother to make the trip over to Gangnam in the first place, but Seungcheol knows it’s not. He laughs with them anyway.

The pizza arrives as the words _‘Cheater’_ runs around the room. Jun and Minghao are in a furious battle against Seungcheol and Vernon, and apparently Minghao is unhappy with how good Seungcheol seems at the game. It’s all in jest but Seungcheol’s a little worried about the intense look which is now covering Minghao’s face.

  _‘I’m not a cheater’_ , Seungcheol throws back, happy to spar with the boy.

 ‘ _You are totally a cheater. How on earth could you’ve gotten through 4 levels in 10 minutes. It’s impossible.’_ Seungcheol sighs. Gaming has become the only pastime he can lose himself in completely. All the nights he’s unable to sleep he plays. When the anxiety keeps him awake, or when the nightmares which scare him so much that he avoids return to the world of slumber.

_‘I’m just very dedicated’_ , he replies in a quieter tone, hoping Minghao will let it go.

He watches Jun give Minghao a sideways elbow and a stern look that says, let it go man. Minghao seems to realise he’s getting worked up over nothing and quickly resumes the game with a cry of _‘You’re going down, Cheol’_. It’s the term of endearment which makes Seungcheol relax. He’s relieved it didn’t go any further, there’s so much he still has to deal with and even the edges of the truth make him feel uneasy.

So much so, the next change of players leaves Seungcheol free to wander back to the kitchen, with the excuse of finding more pizza and the chance for a bit of breathing room for his mind. He doesn’t notice that it’s Joshua who’s not playing again this round and that he’s followed him out of the room. The quiet question ‘ _Are you okay?’_ causes him to jump in alarm. He looks Joshua in the eye, trying to decide what to say, or whether to say anything at all. It’s unnerving that Joshua’s noticed anything was wrong at all in the first place to be honest. It’s been what just a week since they met, and he feels like Joshua is attuned to him already. It frightens him.

Feeling braver than usual he opens up slightly, _‘I’m okay. I just play a lot when I can’t sleep, and I can’t sleep a lot’_. He hopes it’s enough for Joshua to understand what he’s trying to say. He doesn’t want to go into why he can’t sleep.

_‘I read when I can’t sleep, and I’ve been through a lot of books recently, if it helps’_. Seungcheol looks up at Joshua. He’d been hiding his face until now, uncomfortable with how close the conversation had been getting to the source of his anxiety and he’s startled with how perfect Joshua’s words are. He hasn’t tried to pry into Seungcheol’s reasons for his restless nights. Instead he’s shared a little bit of himself back to Seungcheol. The moment is so personal, he almost forgets to breathe. 

He feels brave once more and opens his mouth again unsure as to what will come out. _‘Sometimes I can’t sleep at all, and I find myself gaming all night to distract myself from how awful it is to want to sleep but not being able. I know it’s the worst thing to do, with all the screens but I’ve never really been a reader and it’s not distracting enough for my mind.’_ Joshua’s eyes are on him once again, there is sad consideration in them. It’s not pity, it’s more like empathy. Like Joshua knows how it feels to lie awake and feel your thoughts weighing you down like a hundred bricks. What it’s like to have the same thoughts swirl around your brain, never relenting. Never giving you any peace.

Instead of responding with words, Joshua reaches out to him and places his hand on Seungcheol’s arm. It’s the lightest of touches but it holds so much meaning. For Seungcheol it says, I understand. It says I’m here now and if you need me, I’ll be there for you. Seungcheol holds Joshua’s gaze for a long minute before nodding in confirmation. He’s received the message and he understands. Breaking the comforting shell, which has built up around them, Seungcheol pulls slightly away from Joshua and nods towards the gaming room, _‘Shall we head back?’_. Joshua nods and turns to go, however before he fully turns it seems he changes his mind about whether to speak.

_‘Just so you know Seungcheol, it’s okay to not be okay. I’m learning that too. So perhaps we can try accepting it together.’_ His words need no answer.

Seungcheol re-enter’s the room full of his friends and immediately challenges both Joshua and Jun to a match. He picks Minghao as his partner, determined to get the boy on his side and the night passes by in a blur of beer, pizza and laughter. It feels good to laugh. Seungcheol only remembers his thoughts from early about how lively the place felt with more people in it, when the people are leaving it. He notes once more, that this kind of penthouse with so many rooms and so much space, really needed people in it to fill it, otherwise it just felt empty.

Seungcheol hated the emptiness, especially these days. He wants to push down the memories, which threatened to over spill into his consciousness. Now wasn’t the time to remember. Now was the time to be present and enjoy the laughter with his friends because the silence would soon follow. It always did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo another chapter - I'm feeling the need to more write longer chapter so things can happen. Super surprised at how fast the two of them are getting close - I guess these things can happen when you spend so much time together. Still feel bad for leaving Soonyoung out but i felt it was important to see a bit of Jun/Hao :) Plus cute Vernon time!!
> 
> I think there may be some time skipping soon - I like the weekends the most, as they are together but we'll see. As always thank you for reading. See you next week!


	10. Joshua’s Spoilt (not by choice)!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol takes Joshua shopping for work clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5K babies!! Enjoy - Merry Crimbo!

By the time Joshua turns up for his third weekend at Seungcheol’s, it feels like he’s worked for him forever. They’ve started to settle into a comfortable routine with movie nights becoming a regular Friday night activity. They also have begun having frequent study sessions, where sometimes Seungcheol joins Joshua whilst he works, either doing University work or something CEO related. He doesn’t want to pry but he’s noted Seungcheol never looks happy when he’s doing the CEO work. It’s even crossed his mind to ask about how he inherited the business so young, but Joshua’s scared of crossing boundaries with Seungcheol. They’ve built up a level of mutual trust, where Seungcheol doesn’t pry into Joshua’s life, and Joshua does the same in return. He doesn’t want to jeopardize their balance.

Their moment the weekend before had unnerved Joshua somewhat. He had felt he’d given a little part of himself away in their private conversation, and in return he’d received a part of Seungcheol.

During the week Joshua had thought countless times about the reasons why his new boss might struggle to sleep at night. He wondered on more than a few of those occasions if there was a deeper reason beyond the obvious pressures in Seungcheol’s life to his tortured nights of sleep. Something told Joshua there was, because he also knew what it was like to suffer, which gave him only the deepest of empathy for the person he now spent every weekend with.

When Joshua woke on his third Saturday morning in the flat, he was surprised to find an already awake Seungcheol at the kitchen table. Seungcheol’s kitchen was a black, modern open plan style kitchen, which opened out into the huge living space from which Joshua often stared out into the city from. It was made from a marble type of material and there were no handles anywhere. It was either touch sensitive or it featured hidden crevices from which to pull the drawers open. There were only a few appliances out on the surfaces, such as the now infamous coffee machine and a toaster. Seungcheol’s kitchen had things like boiling water taps, so there was no need to heat anything up and a large fridge, which took up at least a third of the back wall and featured one of flavoured drinks machines. Joshua hadn’t see Seungcheol use the kitchen very often but if he ever did need it, it would have everything he would want. Needless to say, finding Seungcheol awake before Joshua, threw him.

_‘Morning Joshua!_ ’, came Seungcheol’s bright and easy tone. Something Joshua was still getting used to, as it was the tone he recognised from when Seungcheol spoke to his friends. It seemed they had reached a new level of comfort.

_‘Hi Seungcheol’_ , he replied with a similar friendly tone. He couldn’t deny how at ease he felt with the man sat before him.

_‘Do you fancy going shopping today? I think we need to get you some work shirts, as I’ve got some meetings and events coming up soon that need you looking a certain way.’_

Joshua thought about denying the olders request and then let it go. Seungcheol would probably get his way in the end and this was clothing he required to wear to do his job. Joshua didn’t like to feel indebted to others, but he didn’t really have the kind of money he would need to buy the kind of clothes Seungcheol was referring to. Agreeing to Seungcheol’s plan, Joshua soon found himself driving again but this time they were heading further into the Gangnam district towards the luxury brand stores, ones he’s never seen, never mind dreamed of walking into.

\--------

The first store they enter is one full of black suits. They line every wall with the various parts taking up different sections of the store. They are spaced apart, as Joshua imagines each one of them is worth a few thousand just for the jacket alone. He follows Seungcheol as the elder makes a beeline for a member of staff. It seems they know him well in this store and greet him by name. Joshua’s a little bit impressed by it all. He doesn’t usually feel affected by things like money, but it all just feels like a slightly out of world experience. He’s so out of it that he fails to register for a while that Seungcheol is talking to the staff member about him.

_‘I think he’ll need at least 2 black suits, one navy and I’d like to see him in a charcoal one. They only need to be two-piece suits, but I want options for ties, shoes and shirts for all of them’._ The order rolls off Seungcheol tongue before Joshua can protest. He only had a chance to take a deep breath before he’s pulled towards the fitting room by a happy looking Seungcheol. He looks so delighted that Joshua can’t bring himself to protest at this moment and he resigns himself to the experience. When they leave the store, Joshua has two suit bags and one overflowing shopping bag, with the promise of more following directly to Seungcheol’s penthouse.

The next store Seungcheol takes him to is more of an accessories type of shop. Joshua wanders around looking at the elaborate displays, seeing belts, bags, hats, scarves, and in particular some nice watches. A watch catches his eye, which reminds him of one his grandfather had when Joshua was small. Thoughts of his youth, and many happy memories spent with his grandfather flood his mind and a wide smile sears across his face. He’s caught by surprise by a curious looking Seungcheol who appears over his shoulder.

_‘What are you looking at that’s got you looking so happy?’_ Seungcheol enquires with a quite tone.

Joshua shares the fond memories which have surfaced into his mind and points out the familiar looking watch. Seungcheol nods and smiles suspiciously at Joshua but before he can protest, Seungcheol unexpectantly walks away. Joshua feels both relieved and strangely disappointed. They don’t leave the store empty handed though. Joshua walks away with 2 new belts, one brown and one black. He also gains a matching hat and scarf set, Seungcheol claiming it was getting much colder now it was November and he couldn’t have his driver freezing to death.

In the next store, Joshua gets a new black coat and some new jumpers to wear under his suit jackets. He doesn’t even want to think about how much this must be costing his boss and every time he opens his mouth to complain, Seungcheol insists he needs Joshua looking presentable at all times. Plus, he can just leave it all at his home, so he doesn’t need to worry about it. This continues to work until Joshua finds himself in the middle of a well-known but more reasonably priced store watching Seungcheol look at jeans and casual shirts. He puts his foot down at this point. Seungcheol tries to argue with him but Joshua states that his clothes are sufficient for hanging around the flat unless Seungcheol has a problem with his style. At this Seungcheol has the decency to look bashful and lets the matter drop and they leave the store, heading back to the now overfilled car. Joshua doesn’t think Seungcheol brought anything for himself today and feels completely overwhelmed by all it all. He tries to focus on the fact that it’s required for his job and Seungcheol can afford it but the fact all this money is being spent on him, when his mom needs money so badly, sticks in his throat.

He can’t watch money be wasted on himself, whilst others like his mom need it just to survive. It leaves a really bad taste in his mouth. Joshua has to swallow his feelings down. This isn’t the right time or place for these kinds of emotions. He’s also feeling completely blindsided by Seungcheol obviously splashing out of him. It feels unprofessional to some degree, but also just puts them off kilter too in their newly founded companionship. Joshua wants to do something to bring them slightly back into the same energy level, he suggests they go for bingsu. It’s his favourite, he hopes Seungcheol likes it too. Thankfully his boss agrees readily, and Joshua drives them to his favourite place. It’s a little further to drive but after the day they’ve had, Joshua really wants to treat Seungcheol to the best. It’s the least he can do.

When they arrive, Joshua manages to secure them both the best seat near the music player, and also manages to pay before Seungcheol can even realise what’s happening. Seungcheol’s pout is cuter than Joshua wants to acknowledge. His cheeks are slightly pink from the cool wind, which has been blowing all afternoon and his lips are as rosy as they usually are. Joshua admires how Seungcheol’s tinted lips are in perfect contrast to his milky white skin and his raven hair. He reminds Joshua of a doe, a very soft and innocent creature. The overall look reflects the puppy-like behaviour he witnesses often as well.

Sitting down at the booth, Joshua watches as Seungcheol tries his Bingsu, expectantly waiting for his reaction. He purchased chocolate flavour for Seungcheol, and matcha for himself. He’s not disappointed, as Seungcheol’s face lights up with another of those bright smiles. Those smiles which Joshua’s beginning to love seeing.

_‘This is amazing. Wow! How have I never been here before?’_

Joshua’s heart swells at the words, he’s happy to be able to share something good from his life into Seungcheol’s world. For so many months now, it’s just all been about working hard, and making money. His world had come to such an abrupt halt the moment his mom had utter those words, ‘ _I’m sick Joshua’._ It was like since that moment he’s been living a faded-out version of his life. One where his own happiness meant nothing, one where he couldn’t even remember what happiness felt like. It’s only now that he’s being reminding of what happiness feels like, does he feel the pain of what he lost that day. He revels in the feeling.

_‘It’s because you’re so busy being super-man you don’t have time to find all the delicious places like this’._ Joshua teases the delighted man before him.

‘O _h, you can’t speak, Mr I work like 10 million jobs’_ , Seungcheol pokes back. Joshua laughs loudly. It’s true, it’s not like he has any more time than him. It’s ridiculous in a way that Joshua a student, has less spare time than a CEO, who’s also a part time student.

Joshua feels free to speak his mind for once. _‘You impress me Seungcheol. I admire the way you work hard at both the company and you are dedicated to completing your degree’_. Joshua hopes he’s not overstepped with the remark, but he does admire Seungcheol a lot. It makes him feel a little less lonely. That there’s someone else out there who works as hard as he does. Especially because Joshua also secretly thinks it’s not all Seungcheol’s choice to live this way, which makes Joshua feel more in tune with the boy. Like he’s found another person, whose suffering but is also just getting on with it. It sounds a little twisted in his mind, but it’s also something for Joshua to hold on to.

_‘Thank you, Joshua. It’s not easy and as you have come to guess, sometimes it causes me pain. Even though I have no choice to do so, I still believe I have a choice in my approach to the situation. So, I choose to do the best I can, with the situation given to me. I admire you too, by the way.’_

The situation’s turned quickly from friendly and teasing to serious and meaningful, Joshua isn’t complaining but it’s scary as the same time.

_‘I know what you mean. Sometimes you don’t have a choice, in the things that happen to you but if you can approach it with a positive attitude you can endure it better. Endure it the best way possible.’_ Joshua finishes abruptly, it’s become too much for him. He doesn’t want to keep talking about it, doesn’t want to think about mom too much because when he does, he cries, and he really doesn’t want to cry in front of Seungcheol. So, he asks Seungcheol about his past, _‘Before you were a CEO, did you dream of being anything else?’_

Seungcheol’s mid-bite when Joshua’s question reaches his ears and his smile drops slightly. Joshua winches. It’s a few moments before words leave his lips _. ‘Once upon a time, I dreamed of writing. Of being a writer. When I was a little kid, I was quite lonely. It was hard for me to make friends, or it was hard for me to work out who my real friends were. So, I started to write. Creating worlds where I could determine who were the bad guys, and who were the good ones, was how I coped. It allowed me some control in a life, where I had no control. It made me feel like I had a place I could escape to, when the world became too much. Writing was something I loved to do, still do but like I said sometimes we have no choice about the lives we end up living.’_

Raw feelings are laid out on the table between them, and Joshua feels the need to tread very carefully. Seungcheol’s gone and blown their friendly atmosphere completely out of the water. He’s marched straight into unknown territory. What do you say to something like that? Joshua grew up in a home, where he never felt lonely. His family are incredible close, they always have been, and Joshua’s always had a lot of friends, even when he’s not being a very good one in return. He goes with his heart.

_‘I loved to sing as a child. My mother said when I was younger she couldn’t stop me from singing. I joined every school musical and summer music program available. I learnt to play the piano and guitar, music was my life. I didn’t really think about whether it was something I could do when I grew up, I just knew that it was something I had to do to live. It was like breathing for me. I didn’t question it. When it came time to choose what I wanted to do when I grew up, I simply chose my other passion. I still wonder sometimes if I chose wrong, but I knew it would be a more secure career. I don’t think we have to give up every part of ourselves, just because we have reasonability’s outside of what gives us life.’_

Joshua remembers every moment up until now where music has played a part. The joy he received from playing, from singing, from having music in his life. It’s the one thing he’ll never truly be able to give up. No matter what happens to him. Seungcheol looks at him with those eyes again. The ones that tell him, Seungcheol can’t believe he’s met someone who can understand him so well. Joshua feels the same. Of all the things he thought might happen when he started this job, he didn’t think he would find someone who got him so well. If anyone compared their history’s side by side, like two different storybooks, he didn’t think they would even be able to find a single commonality threaded throughout their stories. But this was the magical thing about the real world, what wasn’t supposed to come together, did so in ways you could never predict.

And with that Seungcheol speaks out his thoughts, confirming to Joshua it wasn’t just in his head. This connection was real. He didn’t know what it meant right now, but he felt it was time he leant on someone. They finish their Bingsu’s slowly, enjoying the time together and trying each other’s, both trying to hide their disgust at the other’s flavour. So perhaps they weren’t that similar.

\-----------

On the drive home, Joshua puts on some piano music after requesting permission from Seungcheol. He chooses the piece he played the first night they met, as Joshua remembers how much the older seemed to like it, and he figures it will relax him. Even now after a few weeks of driving Seungcheol around, he notices the other is still quite tense in the car. Never able to relax fully. Joshua hadn’t noticed at first, too preoccupied with how much new information he had to take in but slowly with each drive, he’d seen things which had caught his attention. Such as, whenever Seungcheol got into the car, he’d fasten his seat belt, then close his eye and take 3 deep breaths with his eyes closed. Like he was calming himself down, that being in the car was enough to panic him. Joshua knew something about cars caused Seungcheol distress. He’d known that from the first night he’d met him.

Other signs were how tightly Seungcheol clenched the door armrest, especially when Joshua made any sudden driving alterations, such as changing lanes. Sometimes it was almost like Seungcheol checked out whilst Joshua was driving them. Occasionally Joshua was able to tease a light conversation from the boy, mostly in their day time drives he noted. Night time was the worst for the other, and Joshua tried to make the rides as painless as possible. He made sure to make as few sudden movements, he never drove too fast and he kept very clear of other cars, if he could. He didn’t know if it helped but he hated to see Seungcheol in any state of panic. Whatever caused the attacks, wasn’t going to go away simply by forcing himself to be in the car but Joshua knew Seungcheol had to be the one to realise that. He also knew deep down that when Seungcheol sorted out his problems with being in a car, then Joshua’s job would become irrelevant. Over the past week, he’d started to feel more conflicted about the situation. As much as Joshua needed the job, he hated to see someone in pain. He couldn’t do anything about it until he knew the reason behind Seungcheol’s fear of driving, but when he did Joshua would be in trouble. In the present moment, the music worked as planned. Joshua saw Seungcheol noticeable relax and he didn’t even think Seungcheol was aware of it. Part 2 of his plan was always to distract him with the most insane topic he could think of.

_‘Would you rather have one arm as long as a finger or ten fingers as long as arms?’_ Joshua didn’t pretend to be a completely serious boy and the thoughtful look on Seungcheol’s face reassured him Seungcheol was the same. _‘It’s gotta be ten arm length fingers, of course. Can you imagine what you could do with that many arms?’_ There’s a cheeky smile on his face and Joshua is taken back for a second. Is he flirting with me? Joshua is unsure. It’s the first time the two of them have gone anywhere near this type of thing. He doesn’t even know what gender Seungcheol is into. He’s not really said anything either way. It’s a topic they’ve avoided.

Joshua doesn’t remember the last time he went on a date, he thinks hard. It must’ve been at the beginning of the year, wasn’t it? His name had been something like Park Jimin. He’d been cute but the two of them together had been too shy. They’d not really got past the awkward stage and then Joshua had gotten a message from the boy in question, saying he was sorry but he’d met someone. A Tae something or something Kook? He couldn’t remember. He’d not been exactly hurt by the situation but he’d also kind of given up on dating. It just hadn’t seemed very important at the time, and then his time had become not his own. So, to say his flirting radar was completely out of order was not an understatement.

To hide his confusion, he cracks another joke. ‘ _Yeah, think of all the bananas you could peel’_. The joke falls somewhat between flat and exceedingly rude. Joshua almost hits his head with hand in mortification but at the last second remembers that would probably worry Seungcheol. So, he just swallows deeply and refuses to look at Seungcheol instead. The almost silent giggles he hears confirms to him that the other took it as dirtily as he thought it sounded. Oh gosh, well apparently, he could flirt even when he tried not to. Desperate to move the conversation on, Joshua tries to return to safe topics. _‘What are your plans for tomorrow_?’ He still doesn’t look at the other.

In amidst his laughter, Seungcheol manages to compose a reply. _‘I’ve got lunch with my Aunt tomorrow and she’ll pick me up. So, you are free mostly. Although I want to pop over to see Jun in the morning, as I need to drop something off. Ready for 10am?’_ Joshua nods in confirmation, and proceeds to continue his silence. The classical piano music continues for their entire journey home.

\----------

Joshua’s awoken by his phone ringing. He already knows whose ringing at this time. Sunday morning at 8am used to be exactly when his mom rang him every week. Since the diagnosis in the summer Joshua’s been too busy getting ready for work to be able to talk at that time and if he was honest, he’s been too afraid to talk to her directly too often. It hurts too much. He answers the phone, knowing he can’t avoid her forever, especially when…when he might not have forever.

_‘Mom’_ , the word spills effortlessly from his lips and he hears the soft release of a breath down the phoneline.

_‘Baby, how are you?’_ Of course, the first thing his mom does is ask after him. Like it’s not her who is sick, like somehow, it’s Joshua who is suffering. _‘I’m fine mom, I promise. How are you?’_

_‘I’m doing okay Joshua. The pain medication is helping and I’m able to get around the house quite easily. I managed to go out this morning to the local shops. It was good to get outside’._ Joshua feels the ball of pain tighten in his stomach. This was how his mother spoke in summer, and continues to about her condition. She’s so straightforward about it. It hurts Joshua and he’s ashamed to feel that way. The only way he’s been able to survive so far is to ignore it. If he can pretend it’s not happening, then he can keep going. Speaking to his mother is painful in a way he can’t describe. It’s excruciating because he misses her and she’s right here.

He doesn’t respond straight away and like always, his mom just knows. _‘I know it hurts baby. I love you so much. I’m worried about you. You’re working too hard. Are you sleeping enough? Three jobs are too many’_. Every time they speak, his mom mentions how worried she is about him. He doesn’t want to add to her worry, it’s why they haven’t spoken on the phone in 3 weeks. He texts her every day, but the phone just tears him up inside. You can hide a lot in a text but on the phone, the voice betrays everything.

_‘I’m okay mom. I got a new job and it pays well. We’ll be able to afford the down payment soon enough. Please don’t worry about me. Soonyoung and Minghao are taking good care of me, I promise’._

He doesn’t know what else to say because anymore than that feels like a lie. He doesn’t want to lie to him mom, but nothing is more important than finding the money. Nothing.

_‘Okay darling, I hear you. Please take care of yourself. Just like you made me promise to take care of myself, I expect you to do the same. What’s this new job then?’_ Her curiosity always got the better of her, Joshua smiled down the phone. Constantly eager for the next bit of news about Joshua’s life. He’d never been able to supply much romance drama, but the drama created by his circle of friends had always amused her so. _‘I’m a driver for a guy called Choi Seungcheol. He’s a CEO for a technology company, I think. Minghao’s new friend Jun knows him. I basically have to drive him around at the weekend and stay with him. It’s cool, as I get to work whilst I’m here. It’s easier than the factory and pays more than the other 3 jobs put together.’_

For a few minutes, Joshua’s just happy to talk to him mom about his life. It feels good to talk about his friends and what’s changed for him. It makes him feel normal, just for a little while. His mom is everything to Joshua, the two of them have a relationship he knows others are envious for. They support one another in everything. If Joshua suddenly decided to chase his music dreams, she would be 100% behind him. Just as when his mom decided to retrain as a horticulturist, he was behind her. When he’d finally realised he was gay at 17, the first person he’d told was his mom. He’d never had to doubt her love ever. Which is why he had to save her. He had to do everything in his power to save her.

_‘He sounds nice. I hope you’re enjoying it as well? Will you be coming home this Christmas?’_

Joshua breathes in, he’s been trying to avoid this topic. He’d already told her he couldn’t make it home for thanksgiving due to work, but Christmas was a different matter. He knew he should go but he just couldn’t justify spending the money on the plane tickets, when they needed that money for the deposit. It just didn’t make sense to work so hard, to just blow it on a plane ticket home for a few days. His mother felt differently, so did his dad, but he was stubborn. The only person who could change his mind was his mom, which is probably why she rang today. _‘I want to see you baby, please.’_

The tears well up in his eyes, he forces them to stay there. ‘ _I will try moma. I will. It’s just so hard to get the time off.’_ He lies through his teeth, perhaps they didn’t quite have the relationship he thought they did.

_‘Okay baby. I have to go now, I’m feeling quite tired. Remember I love you a lot. Don’t worry too hard. Eat well. I’ll get Soonyoung checking on up on you if you don’t!’_ Her gentle laughter is music to Joshua’s ears. _‘I love you too, Mom.’_ He ends the call. The promised tears begin to fall, now that’s he’s not trying to hold them back. Joshua can’t stop it from happening. He’s so worried about his mom, it makes him feel sick inside. He really should go home, but he can’t justify it. He can’t.

He wonders if he’ll ever see his Mom alive again. At this thought, the sobs start wreaking his body in earnest. He tries to be quiet, but he can’t control it. This has been kept inside for so long that now it’s out, it’s exploding out of his body is untameable ways. The sobs reach a crescendo, crushed between his shaking body and trembling lips. He tries to tame the pain, but he can’t.

His body has curled upon itself on his bed, and this is where Seungcheol finds him. He doesn’t remember hearing the door open or the quiet whispers of ‘ _Joshua, are you okay?’_. All he registers is suddenly he’s being lifted slightly to have his head resting on someone’s lap and there’s a hand in his hair. There are soothing words being said and a hand running up and down his arm. Somewhere in his memory it reminds him of a similar situation, with him in a different position but he can’t contemplate the irony behind that thought right now. Instead he just focuses on the hand in his hair and the soft touches on his arm. The sobs last for longer than he imagines they could. There’s so much he’s been holding inside. It’s 4 months of pain he’s finally letting out. It’s how scared he is of a future without his mom. The worry he won’t make the money in time and the thought he won’t see her ever again. When his heart begins to quieten, he realises they’re now probably late.

By now, he’s figured out whose legs his head is resting on. It’s Seungcheol’s and its okay to be this close to him. He doesn’t know why, but something in Joshua’s heart tells him to trust this boy. He can count on him.

The silence is broken by a whisper, _‘Are you okay, Joshua?’._

Joshua doesn’t know what to say. He still can’t share the awful truth with anybody else, so he goes for a close truth or a close lie, depending on how you viewed it. _‘It’s my family. My mom. I get really homesick sometimes’._ It’s not a lie, he does miss him mom, but it doesn’t really explain why he was so upset. You don’t sob like that because you miss your mom. Seungcheol however, doesn’t question it. He just leans down into Joshua, and hugs from him behind. It’s a bit awkward but it’s reassuring. There’s no further prying questions. Again, Joshua feels a deep sense of appreciation for Seungcheol in his heart. He feels supported and he feels strangely like he’s loved.

He doesn’t know what makes him do it, but he turns his head up towards Seungcheol, whose face is only inches away from his, due to him being mid-hug still. He stares into the doe shaped eyes, and just sees empathy. Seungcheol isn’t just trying to make him feel better, it’s like he truly understands him. In a moment of craziness, Joshua reaches up with his head and feels their lips connect. It’s the briefest of kisses. Truly just a graze of the lips, but it sends a shock throughout Joshua’s body. His lips tingle as he pulls away and he’s left looking into the shocked eyes of his boss.

Oh my gosh, what did he just do. His mind is still reeling from everything and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He turns his head away sharply and sits up, back still facing Seungcheol. He whispers, _‘I’m sorry, Seungcheol’_ and practically runs to the safety of his bathroom without looking at Seungcheol. It’s too much for his emotions to handle and as soon as he shuts the door, he slides down it and puts his head in his hands. What the hell is he going to do now?

\--------

What Joshua doesn’t hear in his desperate bid to escape Seungcheol as quickly as possible is Seungcheol’s reply.

_‘Don’t be sorry, Joshua’._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas my lovelies!!! An extra long chapter for you as a gift this year. Hope you have people to share it with & you remember you are never alone. I'm here if anyone every wants to just talk kpop, seventeen or anything more than that. An open ear.
> 
> Stay safe & enjoy the time we have today xx


	11. Jun Understands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions are the easiest & hardest things to do.

Ding, Ding. The unmistakable sound of his phone pinged in the darkness. Jun liked his sleep and wasn’t the earliest of risers, so any interruption to his much beloved slumber was unwelcome. He specifically ensured his room had blackout curtains, so he wouldn’t be disturbed the morning light.

Knowing he would only be disturbed with important information, made Jun reach out to his phone to check it sooner rather than the later idea, which had crossed his mind. _‘Hey, is it okay if I drop your books off later after lunch? And err if you could drop me home too. Joshua isn’t feeling well.’_ Jeez, Jun thought, Seungcheol was too nice sometimes. The kind of person who would hire someone to drive him and then totally let them not do their job.

Seungcheol was much nicer than Jun, but it wasn’t that surprising considering the difference in their upbringings. Where Jun had had silence and instruction, Seungcheol had had love and teachings. When they’d met at 8 years old, at a benefit their parents were attending, Jun had initially disliked the other boy for being too friendly, and not showing enough restraint with his emotions. Thankfully Seungcheol hadn’t given up on him that easily and Jun had quickly learnt what real love looked like. They’d been inseparable ever since.

_‘Yah. He can’t be that sick, can he? But sure, I’ll drive you. Minghao is coming over this afternoon after dance practice though.’_

He sent the message, knowing the teasing he would get back about seeing Minghao again for the 7th day straight but also probably a telling off for not being nice enough to Joshua. Seungcheol hadn’t really stopped talking about him ever since the guy had started working for him. It wasn’t like anything Jun had ever experience from Seungcheol before. He didn’t talk about how Joshua looked or whether he wanted to date him, rather he spoke of how Joshua had said something funny or how smart Joshua was or the most common, how safe Joshua made him feel. For Jun, how safe Seungcheol felt was his main priority. He felt like it was his responsibility now to look after his best friend. It had been more of a burden than he’d wanted to admit and talking to Minghao about it had helped. Joshua coming into their lives had eased the burden the most. Taemin had been a great friend but Seungcheol had never opened up to his old driver the way he was doing so with Joshua.

_‘Thanks Jun. I’ll get my aunt to drop me off. It’ll probably be around 2pm and then we can head back whenever you and Minghao are ready.’_ Weird, thought Jun. He didn’t tease or scold. Something must be up for Seungcheol to abandon all his usual traits. Was it something to do with Joshua? Jun tried not to worry, and instead focused on what Minghao had said the other day. _‘If Seungcheol needs your help, he will ask. He always has in the past, plus worrying will not help him or help you. If any kind of weird behaviour persists, then just ask him outright’._

Minghao, Jun thought of the younger boy. It was strange how their paths hadn’t crossed before, but Jun had been thankful when they’d met at the martial arts class. It wasn’t always easy to be the only Chinese person around. Sometimes the words just weren’t there to express what he really felt, plus it was good to have someone who understood some of the things he was saying on a deeper level. Seungcheol would always be his best friend but it was nice to have a new one, which helped him feel that bit closer to home. He was also aware that his feelings went beyond those of just friendship. They spent too much time together for it not to be, at least for Jun. Minghao was fiery like Jun, with soft insides. He was someone who always knew when to laugh at him and when to support him. They shared a mutual love of manga, as well as unhealthy obsession with kpop music. Being around Minghao felt as easy as breathing. It was like whenever he was around it felt like he was home.

Jun’s penthouse had always been so big and empty, but when Minghao was there it felt just big enough. In the few months they’d known each other, they’d gone from just seeing each other at the martial arts class to regularly messaging about things only the other would understand. Then in the past month they’d become even closer when they’d met up outside of the class for a movie and food one night, which had then turned into regularly hanging out. When Seungcheol had gone part time at University and stepped up his role as CEO of his company, Jun had discovered a gaping hole in his life. The two of them had been friends for long, that it was kind of ridiculous how much free time he’d suddenly acquired. Part of him of was afraid that his feelings for Minghao weren’t as genuine as he thought, that maybe he was just trying to fill the void Seungcheol had left behind.

But then every time he thought that, he would remember the tingles in his stomach when Minghao would greet him or the warmth in his heart when he managed to make the almost impossible to laugh Minghao to giggle. His doubts held him back from being verbal about his feelings, but he hoped Minghao knew how much he cared for him.

_‘Yo Jun! You awake? We still on for this afternoon right – I got the new manga, which we can read. I’ll be hungry after practice, so can make some food too!’._

Minghao’s text brought Jun back to reality. He didn’t want to overthink it too much, but he knew Minghao was like this with so few people that it made him feel special. Jun had spent so long being ignored and used by his parents, that it felt like continually winning first prize every time Minghao would prioritise seeing him. Jun knew Seungcheol had had a lot of issues when he was younger with finding genuine friends, but for some reason it had never happened to Jun. Back home he’d had a small group of close Chinese friends, who although weren’t all rich, were the supportive and faithful kind. Jun had a good sense of people, which Seungcheol seemed to not have. Seungcheol is always looking for the best in people, where as Jun only looked for the best people and Minghao was very much one of them.

His feelings for Minghao had caught him off guard, having only truly realised how strong they were a week ago when the two of them had met up with Seungcheol. As he’d watched Minghao get to know Seungcheol, he couldn’t help but feel it was partly for him. That Minghao wanted to be liked by Jun’s best friend. Jun wasn’t stupid, he knew Minghao wanted to know Joshua’s new boss better but the way he’d kept close to Jun and glanced at him every so often to make sure he was listening made him feel like it was more about them. When they’d dropped Seungcheol off that night after their visit to Hongdae and Jun had taken Minghao back to campus, they’d driven listening to their favourite group, EXO and singing along. His chest had been so full of emotion, he’d wanted to confess there and then but he’d been too afraid.

Afraid Minghao didn’t like him that, or that he didn’t want a relationship. Sometimes when they’d been so close to each on the sofa with arms and legs touching, he’d noticed Minghao tense up. So, he hadn’t pushed it. Jun wanted Minghao to feel comfortable with him, and he knew his feelings would make it more complicated. So, it was all up to Minghao.

_‘Of course, MingMing. Seungcheol has to come by later to drop something off, and then I’m going to drop him off. You can stay here or join me, shouldn’t take too long. See you soon!! Dance well.’_

Better to tell Minghao now, then to face the disappointed look he sometimes saw on Minghao’s face when Seungcheol’s plans interfered with their own. The younger boy had never complained or acted differently, as Minghao seemed to know how important Seungcheol was to Jun. But like most people, he wasn’t perfect, and he couldn’t hide all his emotions. Jun never wanted to see any sad looks on his face. He would try his best to avoid them if he could but Jun wasn’t perfect either.

‘ _Okay Hyung. See you soon.’_

It seemed Jun had failed, as he could read Minghao’s disappointment between the words on the little screen. He knew he couldn’t do anything about it, as he would never make a different choice. He would just have to hope Minghao would be okay with it, if anything ever happened between them.

\---------

A few hours later, Jun had risen, washed and prepped the food. The guilt from earlier had caused him to want to make it up to the younger, so he was preparing a traditional Chinese dish. One he knew Minghao loved especially. When the door went, he was just starting to cook and he reflected that Minghao had perfect timing as always.

_‘Hey Jun! Is it okay for me to shower before lunch? I’m sweating so much under these clothes_ I just need to get rid of them right now.’

At Minghao’s words, Jun felt his stomach shift slightly with uncomfortable feelings. The thought of a sweaty Minghao in his shower wasn’t something he’d thought about before. It hadn’t felt right to think about his friend in that way but with the mental images Minghao was now supplying made it very difficult not too. To make matters worse, he saw Minghao not bother to wait for a response and start to remove clothing on his way to Jun’s bathroom. He watched Minghao begin to discard clothing on the way, almost inviting Jun to watch him in his state of undress. Feeling the tips of his ears burn red and his cheeks start to burn, Jun turned his body away as if he had just forgotten something in the kitchen. He shouted over the shoulder, _‘Of course, use whatever Hao. You do anyway._ ’

The muffled laughs enticed Jun to glance over his shoulder to see Minghao pointedly staring at him trying to hide his laughing. With Jun’s gaze of him however, he abruptly stopped and the two of them found themselves in a temporary moment of tension. Neither one wanting to turn away first. Jun because this was the first time he’s seen Minghao without his top on and Minghao because it seems he’s noticed Jun is blatantly staring at his chest. It’s the sound of a beeper which pulls Jun from his reverie to which he turns his head back towards the kitchen. He doesn’t look back, but he does hear the sound of a breath being released, as if it was held for too long for fear of disturbing a moment.

When Minghao returns to Jun in the kitchen, he’s finished preparing their lunch and has set it out on the table. One of Jun’s favourite past times was to eat proper meals at the table, something he’d hadn’t done much as a child, and so was making up for it now. Watching Minghao’s face light up, made Jun feeling fuzzy inside. He knew Minghao missed the food from home as much as he did. The younger was not a great cook, thus Jun was constantly feeding him.

_‘How was dance practice? Was it one of Soonyoung’s lessons or a practice session?’_

_‘Ahh yeah was of Soonyoung’s. He really does run the best ones. His chorography’s are the best and I’m not just saying that as one of his bestie’s.’_

Minghao’s grins at him. Ahh, Soonyoung, he’d wondered when Soonyoung was going to come up. When Minghao started talking, it wasn’t long before he was mentioned. Jun had only really noticed it a couple of weeks ago, but it was becoming more evident now that he’d noticed. Jun wasn’t particularly a paranoid person but Minghao always got this look on his face when he spoke of Soonyoung and it wasn’t like how he looked when he spoke of Joshua or any of his friends back home, which is why Jun had thought twice about confessing. He wasn’t sure the younger even knew he did it or whether he even knew that he might have feelings for Soonyoung. It wasn’t Jun’s place to tell him and he was a little bit selfish in the sense the longer he could keep Minghao to himself, the better. Eventually they would have to talk about all the unspoken feelings, but for now he just wanted to enjoy his time with the boy.

_‘How many is he running now? It feels like both of your best friends work all the time.’_

Jun made a joke of it, but it was true. Minghao was always saying one of them was at work. It was one of the reasons Minghao had so much free time to spend with Jun. He wasn’t complaining. _‘I think about 7 per week now. He’s just so popular in the course, that people want to take his classes at the weekend as well. I think next year he’ll become a TA and be able to teach some of the first-year classes, which will also count as credit. Kind of a win-win really for him. I’ve been worried about him. I think the stress of trying to pay for his courses, and rent have caught up with him. It’s not like for me where my parents pay for everything or Joshua who had a scholarship, for classes at least. I hate that his parents can’t help. I know it’s not as easy for every parent to help, but it sucks to see your friends worrying about money and things, when they should be focusing on their courses. It makes me feel incredibly lucky and guilty at the same time. Attending his classes is one of the ways I feel like I can support Soonyoung, without smothering him. Currently we’re trying to take care of Joshua, but I also feel like I must take care of him too. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go on like that.’_

Jun is taken back. Minghao has always been open with Jun, but never to the extent of sharing his feelings about his friends or more specifically Soonyoung. It makes Jun feel like he’s understands the other better now. Like he’s glimpsed a bit more under the surface and he can’t say his heart didn’t grow tighter with how thoughtful Minghao was or how caring. Minghao’s sharp outer layer has never put Jun off but it was reassuring to know he was right about what was underneath.

_‘I think you’re doing a good job in a hard situation. Your friends aren’t friends with you to solve their problems. They need you in their life to support them in hearing about their problems. I believe the most precious think you can give to another person is your time and I know you give as much as they let you. So just keep looking out for them, like you always do, and they can be glad to know someone like you is in their life.’_

When he’s done, Minghao looks at him with a confused, questioning look in his eye. Did he say something strange? He’d tried to keep his support to his friend neutral without his own personal feelings layered across it but perhaps he’d failed. The look on Minghao’s face clears before he can solve it and Minghao simply ends the conversation with _, ‘I guess you’re right Hyung. Thank You’._ It’s not quite the response Jun expected but he doesn’t have a chance to push any further before the doorbell goes. Seungcheol’s been dropped off by his aunt with the books. For a moment, he wishes Seungcheol could have come this morning like they planned but he does need the books for their project that is due. So, Minghao will have to wait.

\------------

Later after ice cream and cookies with Seungcheol and Minghao, Jun finds himself driving Seungcheol home. The two of them don’t live that far apart, so Minghao’s decided to stay at the flat claiming he’s got some work to do whilst he waits. It doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary, so Jun goes with it. In the car however, he notices Seungcheol is being as weird as he was earlier in his messages. During ice-cream time he’d been reasonably quiet but now he was as silent as a mouse.

_‘Seungcheol, you better tell me what’s wrong before we get to your house. Otherwise I won’t have time to solve all your problems.’_ Jun cracks a joke hoping to relieve some of the heavy atmosphere in the car, plus he really will run out of time if Seungcheol doesn’t open up soon.

_‘Jun, something happened between me and Joshua.’_

Of all the things he expects to come out of Seungcheol’s mouth, that was the very last one Jun expected. _‘What do you mean something happened? Define something? Are we talking something said or something physical?’_ If Seungcheol didn’t seem so serious right now, Jun would’ve burst out laughing from the question he just had to ask.

_‘He was sobbing Jun for ages and I was…soothing him. I pulled him close, he seemed so upset. I didn’t know what to do. Then when he stopped, we kind of had a moment and he kissed me. Then he ran away to his bathroom and he didn’t come out of his room before my aunt picked me up. I’m not really sure what I’m returning to actually. I’m kind of scared he won’t be there.’_

Jun feels somewhat blindsided, never mind his own stunted feelings, it appears more people in his life are unable to properly express how they feel too.

_‘How do you feel about him kissing you?’_ Jun had always thought people should try and work out how they feel by themselves, without others telling them how they feel.

_‘I really like him. He makes me feel safe, but I don’t know enough about him. It feels too soon. Can you fall for someone that quickly? And I think he was only kissing me because he was grateful I was there.’_ Seungcheol sounds defeated at his own words and Jun suspects there’s more to what he’s saying but he’s not ready to face his true feelings.

They are scary feelings to have, Jun sympathises.

_‘I think maybe if that’s true, which it may not be, maybe you could try to give him a way out? Like explain you know he must’ve been feeling emotional and you’re happy to move on forgetting it happened, if he wanted to. I know it’s not a great solution, but it may help him process what’s going on, as it seems like something’s really troubling him and I don’t want the two of you to push each other away out of fear.’_

It’s not the best advice he could give but he’s running a little low of time and he’s worried about how this eerily reflects some of his own life. In all honesty, he doesn’t want Seungcheol to accidentally push Joshua away by forcing the other to confront feelings he may not be ready for.

_‘I think you’re right Jun. If I give him a way out, hopefully he’ll take it. I just don’t want to lose him you know.’_

_‘I know you don’t. You won’t.’_

The car embraces the sombre mood and they travel in silence for the final portion of the journey, both lost in their own thoughts. He leaves Seungcheol with a firm hug and a reassurance that it will be alright.

\--------

On his way back to Minghao, Jun realises although his advice to Seungcheol was to step back, his advice to himself is to step forward. If the moment earlier between him and Minghao didn’t make him suspect Minghao had more to say on the topic, than the look after his advice at the lunch time did. They needed to talk, even if was just for Jun to put his feelings on the table and then Minghao could think about his. He wasn’t going to pressure him to make a confession in return, it was probably too complicated for that.

When he gets back to his flat, he finds Minghao sat on his sofa with the pre-mentioned manga in hand but he’s not looking at it. Instead he’s staring at the wall opposite, even though it’s practically empty bar one painting Jun’s mother picked out to give the space more ‘life’, as she called it.

_‘Minghao’_ he gently calls, not wanting to disturb him really but also knows he needs to. ‘ _Are you okay?’_ The younger turns to look at him with a sad expression covering his face, _‘Jun have you always take care of Seungcheol that way?’_

It’s a strange question. Minghao’s never mentioned their friendship out loud before. _‘Not really, but some stuff happened this year that has made it so I need to take more care of him. Why do you ask?’_

_‘Oh, it’s just I realised that you seem to take extra care of him and I wondered if you did that for all your friends or for…people you…liked…’_ Minghao trails off, with a pained expression Like he feared the worst of the situation. Jun doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but he’s starting to feel that Minghao is asking him something more than what he’s saying.

_‘I take care of all my friends Minghao, but Seungcheol, and you are special to me. If that’s what you’re asking.’_

Minghao nods shyly at him, so Jun continues, _‘Seungcheol is my best friend on the planet. If he needs me, especially now, then I’ll be there for him. I’m sorry if that causes any issues for you, but like I said he really comes first in that way. You…I….I really like you Minghao and you mean a lot to me. I didn’t really expect to say anything so soon, but I don’t want you to be confused. I love spending time with you, and having you here feels right. If you want to, I’d loved to keep getting to know you more and see where this goes. Unless I’ve completely misread your question here.’_

Jun tags his own little get out of jail free card on the end of his confession. He can’t believe he’s just done that but the look on Minghao’s face, so earnest and unsure, made him. Jun doesn’t want Minghao to doubt for a second how he feels about him. Even if they are only destined to become friends, he wants him to know how much he cares for the younger.

In answer to his confession, Jun watches Minghao get up from the sofa and slowly step towards Jun. It’s like time stops for the pair, and with each step Jun feels his heart speed up. Minghao’s eyes are bright, not with tears but it looks something like happiness, he hopes. Minghao takes his final step towards Jun and suddenly they are only inches apart. Jun is taller than the younger, by at least 4 inches, so he has to tilt his head down to look at him properly. When Minghao speaks, it’s in a low whisper, as if not to scare Jun away.

_‘I’m glad you take care of me Jun and you feel like home to me too. I love being here with you, talking with you and having you in my life. I really want to explore what we have together, if you want that too.’_

Jun sucks in a sharp breath. Did Minghao just confess his feelings too? Are they now dating? Before he can worry too much about it all, Jun finds Minghao’s arms have swung around his neck and are pulling him down into a kiss. It’s soft and sweet at first, but soon explodes into the fiery kind of kiss he would expect from the younger. He responds in kind, nipping and pulling at the younger’s lips with his teeth. His hands have made their way around Minghao’s waist and he pulls him close. God, it feels good to be near Minghao in this way. The tension which has been building between them for weeks, all comes out in this one kiss. He’s still in a state of shock and thinks he won’t snap out of it for a while but in the meantime, he’s going to just be in the moment. Savouring each flick of Minghao’s tongue through his mouth. When they pull apart, they’re out of breath. They hadn’t stopped to breathe in awhile, and this is the result. Two fiery messes, who’ve found each other and don’t want to let go.

Jun rests his head against Minghao’s forehead and simply states the only thing he’s feeling, _‘Wow’._

_‘I know I’m good but keep the compliments coming anyway’_.

Minghao’s back to his former self already, but it’s said between deep breaths. Neither being able to recover quickly. Jun suggests they watch a movie and snuggle on the sofa because if he doesn’t have any kind of distraction right now, he’s going to take this to a whole new level before the hour is done.

\-------

Sometime later in the evening, when it slowly sinks in for Jun. He realises he has something to ask Minghao properly. Turning to look at boy whose curled up underneath his arm, Jun asks the question he’s been hoping to ask for weeks.

_‘Minghao, will you be my boyfriend?’_

_‘Of course, dummy. Now shush, this is my favourite part.’_

And with that, Jun’s and Minghao’s friendship is officially over, to make way for their new relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone - I wanted to say a massive thank you to for reading my story & commenting your thoughts. I've absolutely loved writing this for the last 2 months & can't wait to see where it goes in 2018.
> 
> Have a wonderful evening - see you next year!


	12. The Nothingness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungcheol's anxiety hits him like a train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter features a lot about anxiety/low mood. It doesn't reference any self-harm, but it does talk about painful feelings etc. These are based from some of my own experiences. Happy to talk to anyone about them who wishes to, but I just wanted to mention it. I understand other people may experience this kind of thing differently, but this is my own truth.
> 
> Also I've not been feeling great this week - so not 100% happy with this chapter. So it may be re-edited post publication. I'll let you know next chapter if I do. Thank you for reading & remember to take care if you suffer from any mental issues like these. 
> 
> We have to be kind to ourselves xxx

When Seungcheol wakes up he doesn’t want to get out of bed. And it isn’t the ‘I’m tired’ kind of don’t want to. In fact, he’s not sure he can even physically get out of bed. The thought of having to get himself dressed for the day, sends his body into overwhelm with his thoughts spinning out into oblivion.

He’s felt this before. Right after it happened, Seungcheol had had many days which began like this. Sometimes days which stretched into a week of feeling like this. This almost nothingness. The need to hide from it, from life.

He just wants to stay in his bed, where he doesn’t have to make any decisions, and he does not have to deal with Joshua Hong. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wonders whether what happened when he returned from Jun’s has anything to do with how he feels now. It probably started it, but mostly it’s old wounds, which then tail spinned into whatever this is.

Joshua had been waiting for him in the kitchen when he’d returned. Sat at the table, almost like a statue. When Seungcheol had said hello, the boy had only returned a very polite good evening. It hadn’t been a good start. The conversation had then continued as stilted as it had begun, and when Seungcheol tried to offer him an out like Jun had suggested, Joshua just brushed over it completely, never dropping his newly found professional façade.

Seungcheol had to admit it to himself, Joshua had a good game face. If he’d not witness Joshua’s tears and breakdown this morning, he really wouldn’t have known the boy had even been upset. In the end, it had become unbearable for Seungcheol. For the first time in a while, even with Joshua in the room, he felt alone. So, he’d let Joshua know he was free to go for the weekend, and without even a glance back, Joshua had fled the scene.

The hours following had had Seungcheol aimlessly wondering the penthouse. He’s felt so lost and unable to understand why Joshua was so afraid to get close to him. Why when they’d had a moment, he’d pushed him away so fast. It hurt.

He’d been so alone all these months. Jun tried to be there for him, but he was only one person and he had a life, which left Seungcheol alone. Joshua had fit in so well, and now that was in ruins. Seungcheol had messed up again. He always seemed to hurt the ones closest to him. Maybe he was cursed.

Those thoughts had plagued him all night long until he’d finally closed his eyes in the small hours of the morning. And here he was now, almost caught in a flashback of previous months, but not quite. This was a nice kind of pain, a new kind of empty. He had someone new to miss.

As the minutes passed, Seungcheol’s anxiety began to overwhelm him. Being a CEO was a constant never-ending pressure and when he felt like this, he switched between feeling nothing to feeling too much. The first meant he felt absolutely nothing, and just switched off from it all. He simply couldn’t feel anything, and would wonder whether he’d ever feel okay again.

The other was the unbearable weight of everything he was and had to be. He felt like he was captain of a ship that had no crew and was out in stormy waters. As much as he tried to steer the ship, and manage all the other positions, he didn’t know what he was doing, and he felt weak and useless.

The thoughts piled upon him, until he was smothered by them and his anxiety peaked into a point where he couldn’t breathe.

Looking at the clock, Seungcheol realised a whole 60 minutes had passed since his usual morning alarm meaning his first meeting would begin in just under 30 minutes. He didn’t think he could do it. He needed more time. He just couldn’t face any people today, he didn’t want to hurt anyone else. If he’d manged to hurt Joshua by doing nothing, he didn’t think he should be near people. Before he could really get sucked into his negative thought whirlwind, he realised he needed to cancel his day.

Seungcheol had learnt a while ago to try and recognise the fact he didn’t feel like this every day, and he had to take care of himself the days he did. This involved a care plan and people. First, he rang his secretary to cancel and rearrange all his meetings for the day, it was better this way. He was no good to his company like this.

Next, he messaged an S.O.S to Jun. The other boy would know what it meant. He then messaged his housemaid Sun Hee and asked her to prepare his favourite foods. He found if he tried to feed himself, he would automatically go for the worst food and it would make him spiral. His body needed nutrients and healthy food.

He also knew he needed to talk to Joshua about happened but the moment he thought about it, he felt his anxiety spike. It was not pleasant, so he tabled it for later. Maybe when Jun arrived, he’d feel better with the other’s comfort and support.

The last part of his plan involved planning out his day. If he spent his whole day off doing nothing, his episode could end up lasting days. Seungcheol thrived on accomplishment. So, having some tangible at the end of this day, helped him proved to himself he was worth something. In the end it was always the little things he did for himself, that made the most impact.

His first port of call was a bath. Then he would write and lastly, he would finally sort those photos out he’d been meaning to. He found completing chores also helped him realign with himself enough to push the cobwebs in his mind aside. All his plans didn’t always work, because his anxiety wasn’t something that couldn’t be cured with a pill. But they helped.

And he really didn’t want to go back to that place.

\---------

The bath took no time at all to fill. Baths were one of Seungcheol’s favourite treats. He loved the way the bubbles rose up and covered the whole bathtub. He enjoyed the whole process of lighting the candles and getting out his fluffiest towels. It soothed him in a way he couldn’t understand. He’d always put some jazz piano music on the background to set the mood. Seungcheol felt safe in the bath, so it remained at the top of his anxiety combating list.

However, during this bath time, he found his mind wondered in circles. Questioning whether he could’ve done something different with Joshua. If he’d spoken to him before he’d left? Or if he hadn’t disturbed him in his room at all? Had Joshua felt like his privacy had been violated? Did Joshua think Seungcheol had expected him to kiss him?

His thoughts weren’t always rational, and the more they swirled the more anxious Seungcheol felt.

Giving up on the bath, he moved onto the next task - Writing. Back before it happened, writing was the thing that always made him feel the most relaxed and even though he didn’t have time for it now, it remained on the list. Opening his writing book revealed across a poem Seungcheol had been working on the last time he’d felt this anxious. Reading it through, he marvelled at how the old Seungcheol had felt.

**_‘The mind whips and blurs into a black abyss._ **

**_The gaping hole stretching from one chasm of the mind to the next._ **

**_Tight ropes are aplenty but with one misstep, he could fall._ **

**_He is always on the rope.’_ **

It’s dark stuff.

It seems his mind goes to a deep, dark place when he’s like this. The emptiness he can feel is the scariest of feelings because it’s more like the absence of feeling. You remember what it feels like to feel but you can’t tap into it. It scares him.

He decides maybe writing out what was happening with Joshua may help him focus on the present moment. Help him turn his emotions back on, if he can.

He thinks of the light-coloured hair boy. Seeing him on the bed, curled up clutching his phone had been so painful. Seungcheol thought it was because he saw himself on their bed. Inconsolable and unable to stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks. He thinks he saw himself when he stepped over and pulled the weeping boy into his arms. When he’d felt like this, the only thing he’d wanted was someone to hold him tight and tell him it was going to be okay. Even if it wasn’t true, he needed the lie. So, that’s what he gave to Joshua.

When he’d finally calmed down, which only took about 20 minutes, Joshua had seemed so empty. As if all the fight out of him had gone, and he had nothing left. Joshua had turned up to look at him with pain in his eyes, and Seungcheol had felt helpless. The kiss had also come out of nowhere, but it’d made him feel alive in a way he hadn’t felt in so long. Joshua ignited a spark in him which had been put out all those months ago.

Thinking about it now, just the memory of it, made him feel something. Something small, but something all the same. It gave Seungcheol hope. He didn’t want to lose him, Joshua was worth holding on to and whatever Joshua was hiding, he would try to help him with because if Seungcheol never saw that look of sadness again, it would be too soon.

In amidst his thinking he realises he’s feeling more present now. Thinking of Joshua properly has given him some focus, and has allowed him to step away from some of the more painful memories of the past. Focusing on what’s happening now allows him to deal with only the emotions of today, which surprisingly aren’t as hurtful as he woke up feeling. He begins to write, and just lets his consciousness flow out of him onto the paper. It’s therapeutic and he lets himself get lost.

It’s only when his phone chimes a while later does he realise how much time has passed. It’s now nearly lunch and Jun must be out of lessons now.

_‘Hey, I can come over just after lunch, unless you need me earlier? I can skip Economics.’_

Again, he feels thankfulness for his best friend flood his body. Seungcheol didn’t often call in an S.O.S situation anymore but when he did, Jun was always there. Realising he felt more able to function now, he thought he might be okay for a while longer.

_‘I’m doing better now actually. Still taking the day out, so perhaps you could come over tonight for dinner? Would that be okay?’_

He worries he’s asking too much but Jun’s response pings back in less than 30 seconds,

_‘Tonight, sounds good to me. I’ll bring noodles.’_

Seungcheol is more balanced already. When he feels like people are leaving him is when his anxiety often kicks in. Or the car, but that’s more situational he’s decided and feels more like panic. This anxiety is more like a low mood. A feeling of sadness, but there’s no overall reason to it. It’s more frightening this version.

Now he’s back in reality in bit, Seungcheol wonders what to do about Joshua. He wants to say something, even if it’s selfishly to alleviate his own pain. Is he entitled to look after own emotions first for oncce?

A message is probably good enough. Just so he can let Joshua know he cares and hopefully the boy won’t keep him in the cold too long.

_‘Hey Joshua, I’m sorry I didn’t say this yesterday, but I hope I didn’t make things awkward between us. I shouldn’t have barged into your room without permission and crossed the lines. I just want you to feel safe here and hate the thought you were so upset in my house. I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I really care for you. I like you a lot and if I can help even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on, I want to be that person for you. You don’t have to be alone.’_

He sends it before he can chicken out. It’s the first time he’s been so open with his feelings in a long time. They’ve been dancing around them for the past few days with little comments to each other, but now he feels really exposed.

He waits for a response.

The minutes tick by and he feels butterflies. The bad kind.

So he breaths deep, tries to be calm, focusing on all those anxiety calming articles he’s read. He can’t make Joshua respond in a certain way, he can only control his own thoughts and behaviours. Seungcheol wanted to be heard, which he has. So now he can only relax.

Ping. His phone goes again. This time it’s Joshua. He breathes deep again to face the predicted storm.

_‘I’m sorry too Seungcheol. I shouldn’t have left yesterday without speaking to you, I just felt so overwhelmed and needed to come home. I feel better now after sleeping. I like you too. Far more than I realised I would, so yesterday afternoon I just freaked out more by myself. You are such a great person. I have a lot going on in my life now, as I think you know, so I just need a little space to thin. if that’s ok? Please don’t take this as I’m not interested in this, whatever it is. I just need some space. Gosh it sounds shitty, I’m sorry.’_

More deep breathes.

Did Joshua just confess to liking him too? What did he even mean by that? What did Seungcheol mean by his own words?

Seungcheol had been right, there was something more going on with Joshua. He guessed Joshua would tell him when he was ready. It wasn’t like Seungcheol wasn’t exactly spilling his secrets out to the other either.

He can wait for Joshua. At least he knows the other isn’t leaving him. Space he can give.

_‘Okay. I’ll be here when you’re ready. See you at the weekend?’_

_‘Yes, see you on Friday_ __

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again - much love to you for reading. Comments really do make my day :) 
> 
> P.S - Any ideas what happened to Seungcheol yet?


	13. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua finds Seungcheol in a bad way.

Joshua feels like he’s experiencing Deja-Vu. It’s the same feeling each week now, as he rides the lift up to Seungcheol’s penthouse, a feeling of excitement to see the other. The thought of Seungcheol’s smile giving him butterflies.

It’s the same each week. This time however, it’s tinged with worry. They’ve not spoken since Monday and he doesn’t know what he’s walking into. He considered calling in sick but then realised unless he was dying of some disease, he didn’t really have a choice whether to go in. Seungcheol needed him, and he wasn’t someone who let others down.

That meant bravery on Joshua’s part. He needed to either brave enough or stupid enough to be able to ignore his rising feelings in this chest.

The absence of Seungcheol had affected him more than he imagined it would. When he’d asked for some time from the other, he knew he’d been asking for Seungcheol not to get in touch but the reality of that had been weird. Joshua had found himself checking his phone on multiple occasions expecting a message from the other, and then feeling a pang of sadness when he saw his screen was empty or filled with messages from his group chats. Four days had felt like a lifetime in the end, but it had done its job.

Four days without Seungcheol had made Joshua realise how much the other had begun to mean to him. Being comforted by Seungcheol at his weakest moment had been impactful on him. When he thought back to those moments wrapped up in Seungcheol’s arms, he’d felt a security he’d never felt before. It had been safe. His arms had felt like home. It was why he’d kissed him.

Joshua had been so at peace for the first time in a long time, that some of the feelings he’d been pushing down since he had met the boy had come spilling out. In that moment, he didn’t think he could have, or would have, done anything differently. He’d needed to show Seungcheol how much he meant to Joshua. A kiss had been the only way to communicate those feelings.

But when he’d pulled back, the fear rolled back into his heart, and he’d begun to panic. Seungcheol had looked shocked, and there had been something else in his eyes, but Joshua hadn’t had the space of mind to figure those out, instead he panicked and ran away.

He’d run away to his bathroom and stayed there. Poor Seungcheol. He’d just kissed him and abandoned him. Thankfully the other had let him be and not disturbed him before leaving. Joshua had needed to time to think it all through, to deal with the aftershocks of his breakdown.

His mom and then Seungcheol had really taken it out of Joshua and he’d spent the next few hours calming himself down. He’d drunk coffee, done schoolwork and played his guitar. But really nothing could distract him. As time had gone by, the fear had risen all the way through his chest and into his head.

So, he’d shut down completely. Joshua’s coping mechanism in life was to shut down, pretend it wasn’t happening. Not very mature but he was only human.

He remembers this had been how Seungcheol had found him. Outside the haziness of his shutdown, he had realised Seungcheol was trying to make it alright. Relieve the awkwardness, give him an out but he’d been unable to deal with anything. When Seungcheol had let him go, he’d run out of the penthouse so fast he’d almost given himself whiplash.

Returning home, he’d faced an empty flat and had been relieved. His best friends would have made him open up about it all and he hadn’t been ready. Instead he’d culled up into a ball in his bed and cried once more.

Seungcheol’s messages the following day had shocked Joshua. As someone who was often unable to voice how he felt for fear of burdening others, Seungcheol it seemed wasn’t. Hearing the words _‘I like you a lot’_ had made Joshua smile. Jeonghan had told him it was okay to let someone in, and perhaps Seungcheol could be that person. In the whole time he’d known him, he’d never made Joshua feel uncomfortable. In fact, Joshua was pretty sure Seungcheol’s life mission was to make Joshua feel comfortable at all times. He’d pushed people away so much because of his mom because he didn’t want to burden them. On the other hand, he didn’t want to lose Seungcheol.

Seungcheol made him feel light and Joshua hadn’t laughed so much in such a long time. The warm feelings he got whenever he saw him had to be warning signals of something. However, none of the feelings were big enough to push his constant worry about his mom aside. It wasn’t healthy, he knew that. He needed time from Seungcheol, and that was what he’d been given.

Friday had come around like a rocket. His life seemed to revolve around his weekends now, as if the days of the week were the extra parts, and the main story was the two days he spent in the penthouse of luxury with the rich man and his cute smile.

So, here Joshua was in the lift again. Feeling parts worried and parts excitement. He wanted to see Seungcheol’s face again, to hear his voice and to be around his glowing energy. He hoped they could move on quickly from last weekend.

\---

Ping. The lift arrived in its usual clunky manner and Joshua stepped out to be greeted by a statue he noted on his first visit here. A month had now passed since he’d begun to work for Seungcheol, and this place was starting to feel more like home. Much to his head’s disgust and his heart’s pleasure.

Joshua popped his things in his room, and went to look for Seungcheol. He was a bit surprised the other hadn’t been waiting for him but then again, maybe he hadn’t wanted to be awkward. Joshua knew it was more on him to set the tone of this weekend and he’d decided with Jeonghan that he needed to talk to Seungcheol about how he was feeling. He wasn’t ready to tell the other about his Mom yet, but he could be honest about how scared he was regarding his feelings for the other. That he didn’t want to jeopardise his job or their friendship.

Searching the penthouse Joshua began to worry about where Seungcheol could be. He wasn’t in the living room or office, nor was he in the games room. The only place left being his bedroom. A place Joshua had never been into, believing everybody needed their own space and bit of privacy. Unsure of what to do, Joshua knocked at the door and heard nothing. He tried again, a little louder. This time he gets a response but it’s not what he’s expected.

_‘Sun Hee, please for the last time. Let me be. I just can’t okay.’_

Seungcheol sounded hoarse, like he’s been shouting for days for some reason. Joshua also notices how dead his words sound. The Seungcheol he’s used to never sounds like this. His words are always filled with excitement, or brightness. He doesn’t know who this person is. He feels worried. Has something happened to Seungcheol? Did he do this? He sounded okay on Monday. Silly Joshua. Always hurting others.

_‘Seungcheol, it’s me’_

_‘oh’_

Joshua attempts to not take it personally, but he can’t help it. The other sounds like Joshua is like the last person he wants to see. He tries to shake it off. He knows there’s more underneath Seungcheol’s anxiety with driving and he’d have been blind not to notice other worrying behaviours in Seungcheol when he thought others weren’t paying attention. Seungcheol had problems too.

Feeling brave, Joshua knocks again and asks in soothing voice, ‘ _Can I come in?’_

The response takes a few moments, and isn’t exactly welcoming but it’s a yes, all the same. Joshua takes it and enters the room. At first, he notices the room is in complete darkness, then he looks around and sees how big and sparsely decorated the room is. It’s similar to the décor in the rest of the house but in here it feels slightly emptier. Like the life had been rooted out.

Joshua turns his head to the bed, and sees a lump underneath the covers. Seungcheol. His glassy eyes are staring at Joshua, but he feels like they’re not really seeing him though. The boy is lying straight with the covers up to his neck and he’s unmoving. Joshua feels the first threads of panic fill his stomach. He’s not sure if he is strong enough to handle this, whatever it is.

 _‘Seungcheol, are you ok?_ ’ It’s not a great question but what else can he ask. They’re not close enough for him to know any more yet.

Seungcheol doesn’t respond and Joshua feels like he failed a pop quiz he didn’t know he was taking. He needs to think more. It’s unlikely Seungcheol will be able to tell him what’s wrong, so Joshua needs to think more about caring for the other than understanding what is wrong.

Looking around he sees water and sleeping tablets on the side table, it looks like there are plenty left. So he’s doesn’t worry about any kind of overdose. From Seungcheol’s words earlier it seems like his staff have not only been looking out for him, but perhaps also are used to seeing Seungcheol like this. Suggesting an ongoing condition.

Joshua wracked his brains for what it could be. Depression? Anxiety? Joshua knew Seungcheol displayed a lot of the symptoms for mental illness but hadn’t wanted to make any assumptions. Today however makes it impossible to ignore now. Joshua had never dealt with anything like this before. Of course, he’d been struggling with his own issues, but never anything as long term or crippling as this.

He wondered what it felt like to feel depression, and then realised it was actually a kind of awful thing to wish for. You shouldn’t wish to feel something that looked so painful. He couldn’t place why Seungcheol’s expression was sp haunting. The vacant look in the other’s face just implied a very scary story. Realising he’d not said anything in a few minutes, Joshua decides once again to go with his gut. His mom had always said that when you didn’t have the knowledge you needed to do something, you just had to trust your gut and rely on yourself as a person to get you through.

Words didn’t seem like something that would help right now, so Joshua took some tentative steps towards Seungcheol’s bed. The other made no response. It was unnerving to look someone in the eye and not see their soul stare back. Because in this moment Seungcheol looked lifeless. Like he’d checked out and could only bring himself around when he really had to. To Joshua, Seungcheol looked like he needed a person. Waving off all caution Joshua decided to do the only thing he could think of. He slipped off his shoes and got into Seungcheol’s bed.

Seungcheol at that point did seem to wake up slightly to his surroundings and noted Joshua next to him. Joshua was rewarded with the smallest expressions, which suggested gratitude, but he couldn’t be sure.

Next, he reached out to Seungcheol, and pulled him into his chest. Seungcheol came without resistance and seemed to visibly sink into Joshua’s arms. He wrapped them around Seungcheol shoulder’s and felt the other’s head rest on his outer shoulder. He tried not to squeeze too tight, but he wanted Seungcheol to feel like someone had him. That he was safe and protected, because that was exactly how Joshua had felt the weekend before. Sometimes words weren’t helpful. People needed comfort that only came from being held.

Realising the two of them would probably be here for the night, Joshua let himself drift off to sleep. He wasn’t planning to go anywhere, and their lives could wait. Nothing seemed more important than being with Seungcheol right now.

In fact, not much seemed more important than Seungcheol at all.

\-----------

When he awakes, Joshua is surprised to find Seungcheol is still wrapped in his arms. In most books, Joshua figures the character would find himself waking up alone, but he guesses in real life, people actually like to sleep. Seungcheol in fact has actually curled up more, bringing his knees up towards Joshua, bending himself to fit as close to Joshua as possible.  It’s cute and in any other situation he would’ve teased the other but today he wants Seungcheol to feel okay as he can.

Watching the rise and fall of Seungcheol chest signifying the other was still well asleep, allows Joshua a chance to study his face. In the morning light, it looks less featureless than it did last night. The other seems more peaceful now, and Joshua hopes a little bit of it is because of him. Helping Seungcheol feels good to Joshua. Makes him feel useful.

After a few more minutes of peaceful study, Joshua notices Seungcheol’s breathing start to change and his eyelids fluttering. He’s waking up. When Seungcheol’s eyes open, Joshua looks down at the boy and is secretly pleased to see some of the glossiness from last night had disappeared.

Seungcheol is now staring at him. Like he can’t decide how to react to finding himself waking up in the arms of his driver. Whether he should go with the flow, or run away in fear. Joshua hopes he’s braver than he is, and that he stays. Joshua is happy to be so close to the other. It would be painful for Seungcheol to walk away now.

_‘Joshua…what are you doing here?’_

_‘err well I work for you at the weekends’_ , Joshua replies calmly. He knows it’s not what the other was asking but he’s not ready to answer the question yet. He wants to buy himself some time.

_‘Joshua’_

Seungcheol sounds more like himself now. It’s a relief to Joshua.

 _‘Okay, well last night you just seemed so out of it when I got here, and I didn’t know what else to do. So, I just got into your bed with you and didn’t leave. Are you okay with that?’_ It’s only now that Joshua realised Seungcheol may feel like Joshua’s overstepped the boundaries. What is it with them two and overstepping the mark. It’s like this invisible thread is pulling them together so fast.

_‘Oh, okay’_

Seungcheol’s reply is one of acceptance, as if he’s not sure what to make of it but he can’t face it right now, even if it is something. Joshua’s not sure what his next move is but his stomach answers for him. Both of them look down at the sound emitting from Joshua’s tummy. He’s not eaten since yesterday’s breakfast and of course, last night he’d skipped dinner. Joshua sees a smile on Seungcheol’s lips.

 _‘I’m going to make us breakfast Seungcheol, and then we can eat it here in bed. How does that sound?’_ Joshua’s already decided that today he’s going to spend the day looking after Seungcheol. He deserves it so much. Joshua remembers all the ways Seungcheol has looked after him, and he wants to, needs to return the favour.

 _‘Okay’,_ comes the reply from Seungcheol. It’s not a lot but he’ll work with it.

Breakfast consists of croissants, grapefruits, some leftover rice and coffee. It’s a bit strange but Seungcheol’s kitchen wasn’t always the easiest of places to navigate. Once they’ve eaten Joshua clears up the plates, and returns to the room with a DVD in hand. It’s one of Seungcheol’s favourite Marvel films and without asking, he puts it on the television he’d noticed on the wall opposite the bed. They don’t speak really, instead Seungcheol just looks at him gratefully and snuggles up into Joshua’s side. The space between them they usually respect on film nights is gone. Joshua is okay with that.

Seungcheol for once is the one to drop off in the middle of the movie. It seems even after a full night’s sleep that the other is exhausted. Joshua turns off the film and slips out of the room. He’s feeling slightly overwhelmed with the thought of having to talk to Seungcheol at some point about it all, so he wants to play his guitar.

Music always helped him think. He plays some hits from home, and a few Korean songs he’s learnt since he got here. Minghao always asks him to learn EXO songs, so he runs through one of them. He’s just trying to figure out the chord progression in Love Me Right, when Seungcheol walks into the living room. He’s wrapped up in the fluffiest looking robe, Joshua thinks he looks cute and like a puppy. He smiles at Seungcheol, who makes his way over and settles next to Joshua, once again ignoring any of the previous boundaries they’d set up for themselves.

Joshua begins playing again, and Seungcheol seems to hum along like he knows the song, so he continues the EXO theme. Moving from one song to the next. He looks down and sees that Seungcheol has closed his eyes, Joshua’s not sure if the other has fallen asleep or is just resting his eyes. He stops playing to listen for his breathing, but as soon as he does, Seungcheol’s eyes pop open and stare into Joshua’s.

‘ _You play really well Joshua. I love listening to it.’_ His heart skips a beat. He’s been told many times before but hearing from Seungcheol makes it feel so much more impactful.

 _‘Thank You.’_ He whispers back and continues his playing. The day goes by in a similar fashion, at one-point Seungcheol is reading a book, so Joshua just curls up into him and closes his eyes. The weight of Seungcheol’s arm across his shoulders, makes his insides fizzle around.

Later, Seungcheol gets a call from Jun. Joshua can tell by the way the voice on the other end sounds worries and Seungcheol replies with soothing phrases such as, _‘I’m sorry I scared you’_ , ‘ _I’ll be okay’_ and his favourite ‘ _Joshua’s here with me, I’m good’_. He hears something else but he’s not ready to mention it yet, and a few more hours pass by before the two of them find themselves getting ready for bed once again. Joshua isn’t sure what he should do. He wants to stay with Seungcheol again, but he doesn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Thus, he finds himself sitting on the edge of his bed trying to find the courage to venture to Seungcheol’s room.

In fact, it seems he doesn’t have to, as Seungcheol makes his way to Joshua’s room and asks in a shy voice, _‘Can I stay with you tonight, Joshua?’_ It’s so endearing, Joshua can’t speak for a moment. The boy in front of him is dressed in a loose white t-shirt, maroon bed trousers and brought his pillow with him. Joshua’s heart melts and he nods shyly. It feels different to the night before. Seungcheol is the world of the living today and they are consciously going to stay in the same bed. A little spark of joy floods his stomach. Joshua reaches out to Seungcheol, who steps forward and takes his hand. They don’t speak because really, Joshua doesn’t want to ruin the moment. It’s perfect. He thinks he may have actually fallen for the other.

Snuggled in bed, Joshua finds himself being pulled into a hug this time with Seungcheol wrapping his arms around his middle and pulling him tight. He feels Seungcheol twist his head towards Joshua’s head and a whisper reaching his ear, _‘Thank you Joshua. I feel like I could say that forever to you, and it wouldn’t be enough times.’_ The words are like magic to his ears and he pulls backs to look at Seungcheol again. He doesn’t know whether its time to say something or just go with the flow.

_‘Seungcheol, I….I was so worried about you yesterday.’_

_‘I know, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want you to know. I just wanted to be the old Seungcheol for a while. You would’ve really like him. He was more fun to be around but this is who I am now. I..I suffer from periods of low mood and as you’ve seen, anxiety affects me too. I’m really sorry you had to deal with this.’_ Joshua sees Seungcheol dip his head, almost in shame and it hurts Joshua. Hurts to see the one he loves to berate themselves for something they have no control over.

 _‘Seungcheol, I like the Seungcheol you are today. I don’t need some storybook version of you. I like you. I’m sorry you feel this way. It doesn’t make you any less in my eyes. In fact, I really, really, like you Seungcheol. This week, I just kept playing over our conversation. I think you’re great. And I still do, even knowing more about you. If this is who you are, then I like it too. That’s weird to say isn’t it? But I really want you to know I’m here for you. I…. I...’_ Joshua’s afraid to go on.  He doesn’t really know what he wants to say.

_‘Joshua, I feel the same. Whatever is going on for you. I want to be here you. I know I’m not very good right now, but we can do this together. I’ll support you.’_

The silence hovers over them for a bit. They’ve both put quite a bit on the line already, but Joshua knows they’re both holding back. They both have a secret to tell. He’s not ready though. He’s ashamed to admit but he’s afraid Seungcheol will think of him differently. He can’t let Seungcheol know about his money problems, because of everything he’s seen about the other, he won’t be able to hold back from doing something about it. He can’t be in that much debt to Seungcheol, he just can’t. Whilst he’s lost in his own thoughts, it seems Seungcheol has decided something.

 _‘Joshua. I want to tell you something. It’s the reason why I’ve become like this. It’s hard to speak about for me. So, can you be patient with me?’_ Joshua nods, words have abandoned him. Seungcheol’s secret. He knows it must be bad and he’s got an inkling what it is, but if he’s right, some little part of him doesn’t want to know because he won’t be able to handle it. Selfishly it will remind him too much of himself, but he ignores it. He nods again more firmly. Ready to hear whatever this beautiful boy had to tell him.

_‘My mom was the brightest light in my life. She raised me, after my dad died when I was small. She was always such a passionate and intelligent woman. She ran the company with precision, and care. All her employees loved her, and so did I. She was successful, and kind. I could go on, but you get the picture.’_

Joshua nods again.

_‘It was an accident. Last April we were on our way to a meeting in our company car, when we were hit out of nowhere. Some car had lost its breaks or something, and slammed into ours. We flipped over, my mother suffered a blow to the head and never woke up. I broke an arm, and had concussion. The driver didn’t make it either.’_

Joshua’s face drops. He knew it was something to do with his mother, but he hadn’t realised how traumatising the accident had been. No wonder Seungcheol was unable to get behind the wheel of a car. Hell, the fact he could even get into a car was impressive. Joshua schools his face as soon as he can, before Seungcheol can see. He hums to encourage the other to go on.

_‘Afterwards I didn’t come out of my penthouse for days, and sank into a depression not too dissimilar to what you saw yesterday. Life had no meaning without my mother in it, you see, and I couldn’t feel a reason to continue. I just felt empty. It was actually my mother’s company that helped me move forward at all. Her company needed a new CEO, and I’d been in training my whole life for it. If I didn’t step up, it would’ve been sold. I could have let it go but it had been my mother’s whole life. The thing she was most proud of after me, and I wasn’t going to let her down._

_So, I stepped up. Some days I love it, others I despise it. I’m just trying to get through my life right now. Sometimes I still can’t believe she’s gone. I feel so alone and last weekend just reminded me so much of losing someone else I cared about it. I kind of lost it. I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to burden you with all this.’_

Joshua watches Seungcheol sink his head into his hands and curls up, it looks quite awkward on the bed, but Joshua knows what it feels like to want to take up as little space as possible.

Oh god, Joshua had caused some of his pain. He feels guilty but also it isn’t his fault at the same time. He was just a person, who had stuff going on. Joshua reaches out now to pull Seungcheol in again, switching their positions slightly. He tries to imagine how Seungcheol must be feeling right now, probably similar to when Joshua told Soonyoung about his mom. At least the tears are at bay for the moment. He finally gathers the courage to whisper into Seungcheol ears, _‘I’m sorry for your loss Seungcheol. She sounds amazing, I wish I could’ve met her. I’d love to hear more about her?’_

Seungcheol lifts his head up in surprise. Joshua knows it’s a weird thing to say, but he read somewhere, those who missed someone often just wanted to talk about them to someone. It seems he was right and Joshua listens to Seungcheol as he talks about the person he loved the most, who was lost to him now. He hugs him tight because Joshua knows one day, it could be him talking to Seungcheol about the one he loves the most, who could be lost to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooo this chapter is a bit longer & I'm much happier with it. Can't wait to hear your thoughts on it - these two are just so cute I think!! 
> 
> Thanks for reading as always. #hwaiting!!


	14. The Voice of an Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a drive.

_‘As you can see Ambassador, we would start a slow approach into the Thai market. Looking to work with the high-end firms, then as our name built we would expand. Of course, we would be happy to support the foundation you mentioned.’_

Seungcheol holds his breath. This is the moment all his work has been building up to. If he can just get approval from the Thai Ambassador, then his mother’s dream to expand into Thailand will finally become a reality. The company is ready for it, eager almost. He draws in a slow steady stream of air, willing his nerves to calm down.

_‘I think we may have come to a fair deal, Mr Choi. I will be happy to return to my country and present your company to my esteemed colleagues.’_

Yes, Seungcheol cheers silently to himself. He’s done it. These were the words he was waiting for. He can’t wait to tell Joshua. Everything’s he sacrificed to get this point finally seems worth it. The thought of his mother’s smile warms him, knowing it would be one of pride in her son. This is all he needs. Seungcheol bids the ambassador goodbye and heads out of the meeting location. He greets Minho, his weekday driver, and requests they return to the head offices. Minho sets off without a word, they’re not far from home so it won’t be a long drive. Thankfully.

His phone sits idly in his hands. Seungcheol’s first instinct is to reach out to Joshua, but he’s still a bit afraid. His depression episode 3 weeks ago had brought him and Joshua closer together, but he still felt reasonably vulnerable about it. Outside of his staff and Jun, no-one had ever seen him like that before. It scared him to spread open so thinly, where nothing could be hidden. Seungcheol had even recounted the awful events of that day. The day his world shifted off-balance and altered forever.

Joshua, to his credit, had been amazing. Like all the times before, Joshua had just been there for him. Never with judgements, or questions. He was everything Seungcheol never knew he needed. Their whispered confessions of feelings had come as a great surprise to Seungcheol, he had believed Joshua would never cross that line with him but he had and ever since they had been navigating an icy road. At any time Seungcheol felt he could slip and lose his balance. Joshua had spoken of things he wasn’t ready to reveal to the other boy.

At first Seungcheol had taken it personally, but as the moments passed he realised, as with his own story, the teller had to accept it first and from what Seungcheol knew of Joshua, he was very good at ignoring what was staring at him in the face. It was a coping mechanism of sorts, not a great one but who was Seungcheol to judge?

_‘Joshua, are you free for lunch today?_

He double checked his calendar, Thursday 16th November had no appointments for him after the Thai Breakfast meeting. He wanted to celebrate with Joshua, but also knew he’d be working in the evening. Seungcheol still didn’t understand why Joshua worked so hard, but he also respected Joshua’s commitment to his work, so he was being flexible. As much as he loved to see the other boy at the weekend, it was still a bit strange to be almost seeing someone he was paying to be there. So, over the few weeks since their confession, he made an effort to try and have lunch with Joshua one day each week. The first lunch had been a little awkward, as the two tried to find a new balance for their relationship. One where Joshua paid for the meal, and they didn’t mention Seungcheol’s revelations of the previous weekend.

The week after that had been more fun. They’d ventured to a food fair that was running on campus; and they’d gone around trying different delicious foods from around the world. Joshua had been far braver than Seungcheol. Seungcheol’s  favourite part had been allowing Joshua to give small mouthfuls to him to taste and giggling over his varying responses. It had been perfect. The more time he spent around the other boy, especially outside of the penthouse he realised how perfect Joshua was in all his imperfections too. Not there were many. His stubbornness in not accepting help from others was the most frustrating.

_‘I’m just waiting to hear back from Minghao & Soonyoung but should be fine. Can you pick me up from the bio building at 12.30pm? There’s a new café I want to try just off campus. Does that work?’_

Seungcheol smiled. Considering how busy Joshua was, for him to re-arrange his plans so quickly, made him feel special in a way he hadn’t for a long time. His mother had always made sure to prioritize time with Seungcheol, always squeezing in little meetings just the two of them whenever she could. Even though she couldn’t spare a lot of time, it meant more that she thought of him and made the effort. People often forgot how important it was for their close ones to feel like they thought of them often. Joshua made him feel the same way. He whips off a response within record time ‘ _Sounds good. See you then’._

\----------

Leaving Minho with the car on campus, Seungcheol had enjoyed the short walk to the café. He’d even been brave enough to reach for the Joshua’s hand, which thankfully had been accepted and given a little squeeze to reassure him, he presumed. Joshua’s hand felt small in his. Not that his hand was that big, he just had long slender fingers, which gave the appearance of large hands. They fit perfectly together. It was kind of cute in a way. Sadly, upon reaching the café, they let go of each other. Seungcheol felt the loss more than he was expecting, but they didn’t really have a choice. As accepting as some people were of two men together, there were plenty of people who weren’t; and neither of them were particularly keen on pushing whatever it is they were doing onto anyone else. It wasn’t really any of their business anyway.

Ordering and finding seating took no time at all, and Seungcheol was happy to find himself opposite Joshua once more. Looking into his pretty blue eyes, which today sparkled like the Han river on a summers day. Did he cause that sparkle he wondered? The thought alone of making Joshua happy caused a tingly feeling to bloom across his chest. Today Joshua was dressed in blue jeans with a peach coloured turtle neck jumper. He’d been wearing a grey coat over it outside, but that had been discarded upon entering. He’d paired the look with some white trainers. Joshua always looked so well put together. Style was something you couldn’t learn easily, Seungcheol felt. It was something some people just had. Joshua was one of them. Although Joshua would never hear of it, Seungcheol secretly was desperate to take him shopping again - but this time for anything Joshua wanted. Maybe one day.

_‘Cheollie, I had an idea.’_

Joshua’s voice rang clear in the café, which was only marginally busy for this time of the day. It had just opened, Seungcheol reasoned based on what Joshua had said in his message. The interior was based off the American industrial style he’d seen all over New York, when he’d visited with his mother the year before. It was different enough to do well, plus so far the drinks were good. If the food was up to the same level it was a bona fide winner. Blinking, Seungcheol realised what Joshua had said. He’d called Seungcheol by his nickname, the one only usually used by his close friends. The smallest of words could have the biggest of impacts.

_‘Cheollie, you called me Cheollie’_

_‘Oh, I’m sorry. Is that not okay? I can call you Seungcheol’_ , as Joshua rattled off a quick apology Seungcheol realised his mistake.

_‘No, no. Sorry Joshua. I didn’t mean it was wrong. I was just shocked. I like it, I promise.’_

And he really did like it. It made his heart pulse with the same warm tingly feeling from early. Joshua felt comfortable enough with him to call him by a nickname. They had come so far; arrived at a place Seungcheol had no idea how to cope with, but here he was, with both feet in. There was no going back. Joshua smiled at him. There were never enough opportunities to see that smile, so he greedily drank it in.

_‘So, my idea?’_

_‘Yeah, your idea. What are you thinking?’_

_‘This weekend, I was thinking, we could go out for a little drive to one of those abandoned parks and maybe, maybe you could drive a little bit. I think it could be good for you, but maybe it will be easier in a safer situation, plus I’ll be there. It’s just an idea though, so don’t feel any pressure to say yes.’_

Words escape, and he feels the need to take a huge deep breathe into his lungs, otherwise he might well just pass out from the shock. Of all the things, he was expecting Joshua to say, getting behind the wheel of a car again was the last thing on his guess list. How could Joshua even suggest something like this? He takes a few more gulps of air to try and regulate his breathing, as well as his thoughts, which have started to spiral out further into is Joshua trying to hurt him? Why would Joshua suggest such a thing? Has he been talking to Jun? Jun was always suggesting things like this, trying to get him to face his demons - the ones that torment him at night and stop his mind when he tried to get into a car.

He looks up at Joshua, who reflects his panic. The other boy is as worried as he is. It makes Seungcheol feel a little less panicked. Deep down, he knows this is just who Joshua is. Someone who likes to help, who tries to fix everything around him, even if his own life is falling apart.

‘ _Shua, I’m not sure I can’_ , Seungcheol finally whispers out.

The return in term of endearment slides past unnoticed, as the two grapple the sudden change in atmosphere. Joshua’s nodding, and Seungcheol’s curling in on himself a bit. It had started so well the day, with the Thai Ambassador win and now he felt like he’d gone back at least 10 steps. He needed some space, not from Joshua particularly, just from the moment, so he excuses himself to the toilet. Joshua gives him another worried look but lets him go - trusting him to return.

In the bathroom, Seungcheol splashes some water on his face. Get it together Seungcheol, he thinks out loud, you can’t live forever in the shadow of your fear. It was true, the longer he let this fear drive his life, the harder it would be to try and return to the wheel. At some point, he would run out of willing drivers, and he didn’t want to retreat from the world. Another deep breath in, and Seungcheol resolves to accept Joshua’s offer. How bad could it go?

\--------

Bad, it could go bad. It’s a few days later and Seungcheol is sat behind the wheel of his car. Joshua is to his right in the passenger seat with the most earnest expression of support on his face. He can do this, he can. They’d driven out about 30 minutes from Seungcheol’s home, to one of his lesser used factories, which handily had a large car park area circling the building. Perfect for driving practice.

Getting in the car hadn’t been too bad, but now the engine was on. Seungcheol felt his pulse rise and the panic set in. He hadn’t quite blacked out yet, but he felt it was coming. The sound of Joshua’s voice was fading into white noise and being replaced by something altogether more frightening.

At first, he couldn’t understand what he was hearing, just the sound of chatter, a loud bang, and white noise; but as the scene in his mind began to become clearer, losing its fuzzy edges he realised what he was replaying in his mind. The crash.

The chatter was his mother and himself, discussing an upcoming meeting she had with the Thai Ambassador. Then came the moment of the bang, Seungcheol held his breathe. It was torture as he watched it play out in his mind, and he could do absolutely nothing to help her. He was frozen in both places of time. The tears spilled out of his eyes. He felt frustration rage beneath his panic.  How had he let Joshua down so quickly? He really is pathetic. He is also afraid. The scene replays once more, and he watches his world crumble into chaos for the 100th time.

It feels like hours has passed since it started, so he doesn’t expect the music which starts playing around the car. It’s the same piano music as always, but this time he hears a voice of an angel sing along with it. He feels the calm start to take over his systems, almost like his mind and body has been condition to respond positively to the sounds. Seungcheol fixates on the sound of Joshua’s voice. It’s beautiful, as always, but it does something else to Seungcheol. It’s like the light which emits brightly from a lighthouse, something for Seungcheol to follow home, guiding him back to the present. Helping him to leave the past where it belongs.

He focuses on the high notes, which Joshua renders beautifully, and lets them sink into his soul. It’s a blessed relief from the pain, which threatened to swallow him whole only moments before. It also helps reframe the memories and allows him to take a step back from them. Still observing them but without the intensity of the pain overwhelming. For the first time, he can remember without losing all sense of himself. It’s strange and he stays in the moment for a little longer, until he notices Joshua has stopped singing. He opens his eyes and looks towards the other boy. Joshua’s face is filled hope and apprehensive. Almost like he’s worried he made a mistake.

‘ _What did you do?’_ It’s the only question Seungcheol’s frazzled mind can pull together.

_‘I played the piano piece you love so much and sang along to it. I knew you calmed down when you heard it in the car, so I took a gamble that your mind was just overwhelming you when you tried to get into a car. I sang to make it different enough to shock you. I hope I didn’t get it wrong.’_

Seungcheol shakes his head. It’s all a bit of a muddle in there, but what he can grasp is that this boy, who has known him for just under 2 months, has managed to learn about him so well, he can help him with something he’s spent 7 months trying to bury. Seungcheol knew he didn’t deserve Joshua, he didn’t deserve someone so wonderful, but he was going to grab onto him as tightly as he could. Seungcheol feels a mess of feelings, but amazingly none of them are the fear he is so used to. He is filled to the brim with surprise, amazement, and love. Yes, he’s fallen for this boy and in this most vulnerable state, Joshua has proven how much he cares repeatedly.

Surprising even himself, he leans over the gearstick and lets his lips find those of the beautiful singer. He feels the need to taste them, to try and capture the sound they were emitting only moments ago. He feels Joshua move back slightly in shock, but not enough to pull his lips away. Seungcheol takes that as a sign to continue, so he does. He allows his lips to press more firmly against Joshua’s, the other boy not ready to give, but happy to receive, the attention.

He sucks kisses along the top and bottom lips, then places kisses to the corners of Joshua’s mouth. At this point, he pulls back slightly to double check Joshua’s expression. He doesn’t want to put anything onto the younger boy if he doesn’t want it. He is once again assured of his actions, but by the large smile Joshua gives him and the press of Joshua’s lips onto Seungcheol’s this time. Joshua isn’t as hesitant. His kisses come fast, and soon Seungcheol feels a tongue probing between his. He lets his mouth open to the request. From there the kiss blooms into Joshua showing Seungcheol how much he cares, and Seungcheol showing the same in return. They explore the caverns of each mouths with joy and only come down from their excursion to heaven to draw in some lungfuls of air. The moment feels right for Seungcheol, he has to say something. If his mother taught him anything, it is that you had to tell the people you care about that you care. He hadn’t been able to tell Wonwoo how he’d felt, but he sure as hell, isn’t going to let Joshua go without the other at least knowing how he feels.

_‘Joshua, I…I have something to tell you. I know we haven’t known each very long, and god knows its weird and complicated and I totally just had a panic attack and I’m all kinds of messed up, but I love you.’_

Joshua seems to pull back slightly to get a better look at Seungcheol and it looks to Seungcheol like he’s weighing up his words. Seungcheol feels panic stir in his stomach, or is it just butterflies? He’s forgotten how this feels, it’s been so long he felt anything like this and he’s determined to start trying to identify feelings which are different from his anxiety and depression. Finally, Joshua speaks, it seems the two of them are both big fans of pregnant pauses.

_‘Seungcheol, first if you’re messed up, then so am I and to be honest, I don’t think I could be with someone who wasn’t at least a little bit complex. We’re all unique in our own ways, and some of our uniqueness comes from different types of pain. I like you for who you are, not some perfect version of you and I will continue to tell you this for as long as we are together. Which kind of brings me to the next part, these past 7 weeks have been the craziest of my life. I took this job because I needed the work, but the best part about it hasn’t been the great hours, or the fantastic pay or even that I could do my university work. The best part of it is that it brought me to you. You in all your wonderfulness. You are the best part of my life right now and that scares me. I’m afraid to move forward with you, because of how quickly it’s happened. I’m afraid I will lose you, as quickly as I found you but what my meeting you has taught me, is that I don’t need to be alone. There are people who want to be there for me. And the fact you love me, even though I can’t tell you everything about me, scares me too. I don’t want to keep you out, and I know I won’t forever, but I can give you this. I can tell you, after this crazy long speech which you’ll probably never forgive me for, is that I love you too. I love how you are generous and funny and kind. I just love you.’_

Joshua ends his speech with a little roll of the eyes, almost annoyed with himself for speaking for so long but Seungcheol can’t focus on anything but the fact Joshua loves him. Shua loves him. He’s so ecstatic that he leans in for another kiss and grabs the younger boy into a tight hug. Arms encircle his waist and Seungcheol feels safe. After a little while, once the emotion of the moment, settles down. Seungcheol hears in his ear _, ‘Don’t think just because you told me you love me that you’re getting out of driving around this parking lot. I didn’t drag you here, just to make out in the car.’_ With that Seungcheol laughs his heart out, feeling the lightest he has in months and turns the engine on once more.

He makes it around the car park twice before his anxiety kicks in. The music playing in the background allows him to remain calm, and Joshua’s supportive words help no end. He won’t be fixed in one night, but he feels like he’s finally making progressing and it’s all thanks to the boy beside him.

His Shua.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Thanks for waiting for the update - last weekend was my birthday, so I took a week off from this story but here the next chapter is. 
> 
> Been doing some brainstorming for the rest of the story - got some amazing ideas.... just wait for the angst to arrive!! 
> 
> Thanks as always for reading & commenting on my story :) Also super looking forward to the comeback!!!


	15. Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Needed some me time last weekend, so didn't manage to write. To make up for it here is a 5k chapter of cuteness (well to me anyway ) !!

Joshua spends the next 2 weeks flipping between pure joy and utter heartbreak. Being with Seungcheol is nothing like he’s ever experienced before. He’s on cloud 9 when he’s with him. The two seem to always be in perfect synchronisation. It’s almost beautiful.

Almost.

Joshua’s secret weighs heavily on his heart and as Christmas nears, he can’t push it away as easily as before. As each day passes and it gets closer to the holidays, Joshua feels like he’s going insane. Seungcheol’s asked a few times why his mood keeps dropping, but he’s still not ready to tell him. Instead Joshua throws himself into his university work. The beginning of December means lots of deadlines and exams. It’s a great distraction and a perfect excuse to keep Seungcheol at arm’s length. Though Seungcheol doesn’t seem to get the memo, and continually works his way into Joshua’s life and heart.

Often, he finds himself wondering how he’s been so lucky to find someone to love like Seungcheol - someone who puts him first. The daily good morning texts, when he rises at 6am, have become a favourite part of the day, the next best thing to seeing him in person. The two of them are still having their weekly lunch dates and spending their weekends together. If Joshua had any choice in the matter, he would have stopped working for Seungcheol by now. He hates taking money from his boyfriend. It doesn’t sit right with him; but then again without the job, they probably would never have met in the first place.

Joshua hopes they might have met anyway. That they were somehow destined to meet.

Today Seungcheol’s asked Joshua to take a longer lunch break because he wants to take him somewhere special. He’s finished most of his exams and assignments now, so Joshua agreed without much argument. He needs a bit of break and he’s missed Seungcheol this week. It’s only been 4 days, but it feels like a lifetime in comparison to the weekends they spend together.

When his boyfriend arrives, Joshua hops into the waiting car and greets Seungcheol with a warm hug. Being constantly on the edge and feeling restless makes Joshua tired. Tiredness which seeps into his bones, yet he can’t rest. He can’t stop. Seungcheol is the only person who can create stillness in him. His presence is the only thing that calms his thoughts and allows him a moment to breathe. He doesn’t know why he can’t just tell him about his mom.

Both Jeonghan and Soonyoung hadn’t been able to understand where he was coming from on this. They were his best friends and understood him completely, but with this, they just couldn’t seem to get their head around why Joshua wouldn’t let the person he claimed to love in. They didn’t understand that if Joshua let Seungcheol in, he wouldn’t be himself anymore. Because he knew Seungcheol would fix his problem without a single thought of the implications.

He loved Seungcheol so much, he didn’t want to be indebted to him in that way. It would poison their relationship, cause it to be over before it had a chance to grow into a garden full of sunflowers. Their relationship had everything going for it. Joshua wasn’t stupid though. He knew he would eventually have to tell him. Otherwise this seed of a lie would grow into something worse and kill their beautiful garden. First, he had to make the money, and then he could let Seungcheol in fully.

When they arrive at the location, Joshua is confused. It doesn’t look like a building you would want to walk past, let alone look at it. There’s graffiti across the front and weeds are growing through the cracked pavements outside. He spies a wooden door, but it’s got a yellow metal grill over it, which is rusted. He wonders if it will open. This place screams danger and his instincts tell him to run but Seungcheol pulls him towards the yellow grilled door.

_Seungcheol, where are we?’_ Joshua voices his concern out loud. Seungcheol chuckles in response and pulls Joshua into his side, giving him a reassuring squeeze. Leaning down to Joshua’s ear, he whispers softly, _‘It’s a surprise. Do you trust me?’_

Immediately Joshua feels much more relaxed, _‘Of course, I do. I just don’t know what it could be.’_   His trust in Seungcheol is unquestionable and he really wants to let go already. He’s been wound up so tight over the past few weeks trying to get everything done and with his jobs, he hasn’t stopped to rest in about a month. In all honesty, he’s not sure how he managed to get a boyfriend and fit him in his crazy schedule. But then again Seungcheol felt like a support in his life, a lifeline. He didn’t cause Joshua more stress. Seungcheol created calm in the story of Joshua’s life. He was a perfect study partner and he took care of Joshua when he fell asleep nestled in his books, carrying him to the bedroom. He always woke him up for work and occasionally managed to pick him up to take him home too.

Seungcheol had only asked Joshua once to consider giving up his other jobs. Joshua had replied very coolly that he would not. Seungcheol had never mentioned it again. Perhaps it was cruel not to talk it over, but he couldn’t take anymore from Seungcheol. He was already taking too much.

Inside the battered door, was a completely different story. Joshua stood in shock for a few moments to let his brain catch up with his eyes. There was a dimly lit wooden panelled corridor. Pictures hung along the wall of coffee in all its forms, from fields of coffee plants goodness knows where, to old fashioned coffee pots and grinders, accompanying the pictures there were lanterns hung along the top of the corridor made from mason jars. It had a part hipster, part old fashioned vibe. It was beautiful, and it was only the entrance. Making his way down the corridor, Joshua looked at each photo for a few moments before moving on. He noted Seungcheol just a step behind, but rather than looking at the pictures, he seemed to be watching Joshua. Feeling the blush threaten to break out across his cheeks, Joshua made a move towards the end of the corridor, from where he was starting to hear a low thrum of noise emanating. It was a recognisable sound for Joshua. The same sound he heard every week day for 3 hours, the sound of people and coffee.

Approaching the end of the corridor he sped up in anticipation, and as his feet rounded the corner, his nose was assaulted with the most beautiful smell in the world. Coffee. Beautiful hand-crafted coffee. Joshua’s eyes swept from left to right surveying the scene before him. It was a coffee house, but it was a coffee house like no other. There were small intimate tables spread out across the floor in front of him. Low tables with floor cushions and in the centre of each table was a coffee filter ready, waiting for its patrons to arrive. The walls were bare brickwork with more of the same photo frames hung along the walls, but these were much bigger in scale. The pictures were beautiful but the thing which stood out most to Joshua was the coffee display behind the counter. The coffee was the art in this place. Tall long upside-down funnels ran along the back, each coming down to a point where a grinder was suspended underneath. Set up so the barista could grind straight into pouches for the coffee strainers on the tables. This was a bespoke service, with what Joshua could guess were the best coffees in the world. There were only 7 coffee funnels that he could count. 7 coffees he doubted he’d ever tasted before or ever would again.

He felt the thrill of excitement build in his body. Coffee made him happy. He wasn’t sure why. Coffee reminded him of those moments watching the city awaken, moments with his friends. It was coffee which put him into a grateful state of mind. So, it made sense that coffee would elicit the feeling of happiness within him. Feeling a hand at his lower back, Joshua realised a maître d had invited them to follow them to a table and Seungcheol was prompting him to go. The smile on his face stretched even wider. Seungcheol was everything.

The table of course had a reservation sign. This seemed like the kind of place you wouldn’t know about unless you were told, and then getting a reservation would be hard. Frequently Joshua forgot how influential Seungcheol was, but he didn’t want to think about that now. Sitting down, Joshua took another look around before focusing fully on the man in front of him. Joshua takes a good look at Seungcheol. He’s beautiful inside and out.

Seungcheol is hot. Usually he looks like a University boy but today, with his hair swept off his forehead, he looks like a man who could sweep Joshua off his feet and then some. Feelings of doubt creep into his heart. He doesn’t feel worthy to be here. For a split second, he panics that Seungcheol is out of his league. But then he focuses on all that has happened between them and the words they’ve exchanged, and he manages to brush away the doubts. He grabs the moment back. Seungcheol is his. This moment is his and he won’t let his fears ruin it. Not today.

_‘Where are we Seungcheol? What is this place? How expen..’_ but Seungcheol cuts him off. _‘Calm down Shua. I heard about it from Jun. He tends to hear more about the trendy places which pop up. I told him about how much you relax around coffee and he suggested here. I wanted to treat you because you’ve been working so hard’._

It’s so like Seungcheol to do this. Joshua can’t deny how much happier he feels already, and his stress has been left at the door. He doesn’t even have any room to think about anything else. It’s a nice feeling. Seungcheol passes him a coffee list and Joshua swoons. It’s an old sheet of piano music. Ruined beyond readability, so they’ve printed on top. He discovers they have 6 house coffees from around the world, sampling delights from the Puerto Rican, Jamaican and Brazilian coffee scenes. This place is not joking about its coffee. At the bottom he notices a note informing patrons of the monthly special feature coffee and prompting them to ask the waiters for more details. The seven columns now make more sense.

Joshua’s a little bit in love with the place. And a lot in love with Seungcheol.

Fawning over the menu, it takes Joshua over five minutes to make his coffee choice. His date doesn’t complain, in fact it seems the other is enjoying watching him again. The blush threatens to rise once more but instead of running from the emotions, Joshua basks in them, letting the feeling of love settle over him. He figures he deserves it. It’s been a tough year and it’s still not over. With orders in, Joshua and Seungcheol talk about meaningless things, important things and everything in between.

Seungcheol mentions some things about work and how university is going. Although he’s only part time he still has exams, which thankfully for Seungcheol, are both done now. Joshua talks about his final exam coming up in the following week but he avoids the holiday conversation. Currently he’s planning to pick up more shifts at the coffee house and work it through. Seungcheol believes Joshua will be away over the Christmas days. Joshua hasn’t had the guts to tell him he won’t be going home, because it wouldn’t make sense to Seungcheol, and that would mean telling Seungcheol why.

Another lie of omission. The Lies are piling up. He feels bad about it but not enough to spill the metaphorical coffee beans. Be in the moment Joshua, he tells himself, try to enjoy it. That’s what his Mom would say, if she were here.

The coffee arrives and it’s everything Joshua wants it to be. They’d ordered croissants and waffles to accompany it, creating a strange lunch, but for Joshua the coffee was the main event. His cup of choice was the rather expensive St. Helena Coffee. He’d tried to resist but Seungcheol had pouted about Joshua ruining the fun when he’d suggested the cheapest one on the menu. So, he’d relented. Too easily. Each sip was a delight to the senses and he spent the next ten minutes savouring every mouthful. It was over too soon in Joshua’s opinion, but he most certainly wasn’t going to allow Seungcheol to buy another a cup. 

As the food is cleared away, Joshua sees Seungcheol reach into his pocket and pull out a hand sized box. Joshua looks at Seungcheol confused and asks him outright, _‘What’s in the box Seungcheol?’_ He doesn’t mean to sound accusatory, but he knows the other and he has a feeling he won’t like what’s about to happen. The response comes timidly, and as predicted, suspiciously like how he sounds when he’s spent a lot of money on Joshua.

_‘Well…I was trying to think of a way of thanking you for helping me with my driving. To thank you for looking after me when I was ill. And just to make you feel as special as you make me feel. This is that thank you.’_

Words are lost to him. He can’t outright reject the gift, especially as he doesn’t even know what it is yet. He has a feeling it will be perfect. Seungcheol does romantic like he took a course on it. It’s going to be meaningful and Joshua knows he’s going to love it. Panic rises in his throat. Oh god, he’s never going to be equal with Seungcheol if he keeps going at this rate. With trepidation he reaches out to Seungcheol and takes the hand, which doesn’t hold the gift sized box.

_‘Seungcheol, you know you don’t have to spend money on me to say thank you. You know I would do anything for you, don’t you? You know, looking after you makes me feel safe. That you being sick or worried hurts me too, so helping you is liking helping me. I love you. I would love you even if you never spent another penny on me. Do you hear what I’m saying?’_

Seungcheol nods from across the table but Joshua needs him to understand money is not the reason Joshua is with him. It never will be. If Seungcheol lost his company and became a penniless writer, Joshua would still love him because everything that makes him is there despite his money.

_‘I know that Joshua, but I have all this money and I don’t want to spend it all on myself. I give money to charity. I put back into the company, and I still have so much left. I want to spend it on the people I love, which includes you. It’s how I can love you by taking care of you. By giving you gifts I feel like there’s a visible display of my love for you because I doubt sometimes that my words are enough. I know it’s a different kind of love language to yours but it’s mine, so please accept this as my way of saying I love you.’_

With expressions of emotions like that, Joshua finds it hard to find fault with the sentiment. He must be a hard boyfriend to have. One that runs away from having money being spent on him, one that is always busy, never free - and one who keeps secrets.

Seungcheol slides the gift across the table towards him and he reaches out to grab it. It’s a square box with a gold ribbon tied neatly around it. It’s a blank box but he knows that means money in this sense. He tugs the bow loose, lifts the lid and only at the last second before seeing what it is, does he realise what it will be. Memories of shopping trips past rush back to him, as he’s faced with the same watch he once looked lovingly at in the cabinet in the accessorises shop all those weeks ago.

Sat nestled within the box is the watch which reminded Joshua of his Grandfather. It feels like home. Before he realises what’s happening, Seungcheol is taking the box from his hand and pulling out the watch to put it on his wrist. Joshua stares at it. He can’t quite recover from the shock. It’s wonderful. It combines both parts of his world into one. Something he can carry with him always, grounding him.

_‘Do you still like it? I know it’s the right one, but I wasn’t sure you still liked it. I thought it was perfect for you, as you’re always on the go and checking the time but you never wear a watch. And selfishly, I thought every time you looked at it, you would think of me.’_ Seungcheol finishes his cheesy speech with a kiss on Joshua’s lips. They’re in a semi-public location, but it’s too perfect of a moment to not share one. _‘Thank you, Seungcheol’_ is all Joshua can manage.

Staring at the watch, he gets lost in time. Mesmerised by the ticking of the hands as they go around. Each tick representing another thing he loves about Seungcheol. However, it’s the same tick which jolts him out of his stupor, as it hits quarter to 2. He has a class at 2pm. Panicking he half shouts across the table, _‘Seungcheol, I’m going to be late to a class. I’m so sorry. I would miss it for this, but it’s the last review session before the exam. I have to go.’_

The slight put out look on Seungcheol’s face lasts mere seconds before it’s replaced with a smile. _‘Of course, Joshua, I understand. As long as you like it.’_

_‘I love it. It’s perfect. You are just unbelievable in your perfection sometimes. Thank you really. Can I see you later? Will you come over after I finish at the bar?’_ Joshua doesn’t want to leave it like this. He needs to thank Seungcheol properly for the watch, for the coffee experience. For everything.

_'Yeah sure, I’ve got a meeting tonight. So, I’ll pick you up from work and we can head back to yours. You’ll have to drive us home though, as my driver will need to head off.’_

_That’s fine. I’ll see you at 12am. I love you, Seungcheol. Really, I do.’_ He doesn’t know why he feels the need to say it so much, but he feels so indebted to the man in front of him. A man with so much love, care and money to give, whereas Joshua only has love. He feels inadequate.

\------------

With the review session over, Joshua finds himself in the library. His course mate Mingyu suggested they review the class together and being the geek he is, he couldn’t say no. In fact, Joshua relies heavily on Mingyu with his classes and they had on many occasions studied together. Mingyu is hard working like Joshua, but he’s much goofier and more relaxed about things. He’s smart too. People often underestimate Mingyu.

So far this semester, Mingyu has helped Joshua out on more than one occasion. As with other friends, he simply stepped up to the plate when Joshua started to slip. Joshua had a little less time to look over papers, a little less time to do the extra reading and once or twice, sleep overcame him in class, but Mingyu made up for it. Double checking his term paper, passing him notes on the extra reading and prodding him awake in class, when needed. Yes, Mingyu is the kind of friend of Joshua needs to help him pass his classes. He is eternally gratefully to the gods who’d created Kim Mingyu.

Today, Mingyu was distracted. The subject was a tricky one, but Joshua knows Mingyu is confident on the material. In fact, this review of the session is more for Joshua’s sake.

_‘Hey what’s up? You look like something’s on your mind?’_

_‘Ahh…it’s nothing really’,_ Mingyu replied with little conviction, so Joshua prods a little firmer this time. ‘ _C’mon man spill it. I know there is a life outside of school you know.’_

_‘Actually, it is about school. I don’t want to freak you out, because I know how you feel about this stuff. You know that Samuel guy in our class?’_

_‘Yeah, I know of him. He asked to borrow my notes once. Didn’t see them again. Still annoyed’._

Mingyu sweeps his eyes around the study room, as if checking to make sure the wrong person can’t overhear, and he lowers his voice to reply, _‘Well before you turned up to class today. He was hovering around our desk. I asked him if he needed anything. Turns out he’s looking for someone to take his winter class exams for him. For money. I didn’t really ask for any more details and told him he was looking in the wrong place, but it so was weird. Do people even do that? How do they do that?’_

Joshua can’t hide his outrage. He’s heard of the cheating that goes on at the University, but he’s shocked Samuel would be as bold to ask outright like that. It’s cheating. He’s disappointed in his fellow student. It makes everything Joshua is working for mean less, that someone could just pay someone to cheat for them and they would still receive the same qualification as Joshua. It’s not right, it’s not fair.

_‘You did the right thing, Mingyu. Forget about him. He should never have mentioned it, but at least we can watch out for him, now we know his character. Those types of people are best avoided.’_

And with that the two return to work. After an hour they part ways, so Joshua can grab some dinner at home before heading to work.

\--------

The flat is full when he gets home. Minghao and Soonyoung are in the living room and he walks in on a lively debate about whether season 1 or 2 of Black Butler was the best. Joshua’s not particularly into anime, so he tries to stay out of these types of arguments. They are always fiery, and no-one ever wins, usually leaving Joshua to make peace between the two. Tonight, Joshua’s arrival home seems to distract them from their bickering.

_‘Joshua, we missssssed you’._ Soonyoung bounds over and wraps Joshua in a hug immediately, whilst Minghao makes his way over more slowly, still ensuring he gets his hug from Joshua though. These boys are his home.

Minghao pipes up, _‘We’re planning on making kimchi spaghetti for dinner. You fancy it?’_ Joshua nods. Dinner is a fun affair. It takes Soonyoung less than 5 seconds to spot the watch and they both look at it admiringly. They don’t say much, as they both know Joshua feels uncomfortable with money talk, but they do gush a little at Seungcheol’s thoughtfulness when he mentions why this watch in particular. Currently Joshua’s got as far as revealing he’s dating Seungcheol to the other two, but he’s not told them about their exchanges of love promises, and none of the illness stuff. He doesn’t feel like it’s his place to say anything. Not his story to tell. Tonight, however the biggest surprise comes from Minghao, who announces his and Jun’s relationship. Joshua isn’t shocked, and it doesn’t look like Soonyoung is either, but he does look upset.

Joshua wishes Minghao had kept to himself for a little longer, because he doesn’t have time to talk to Soonyoung about it. Instead he squeezes Soonyoung’s hand and sends him a sympathetic smile before he can think about what he’s doing. The other’s head snaps up and looks Joshua directly in the eye. Shock sits behind the happy façade he’s still showing outwardly towards Minghao. Crap, Joshua isn’t supposed to know. Joshua’s looks at his watch, he realises he’s going to be late with no time to do damage control.

_‘Minghao, that’s wonderful news. I’m happy for you. Let’s grab lunch tomorrow and we can talk more. Soonyoung, I’ll see you in the morning yeah?’_

Joshua is almost running out of the door as he says his goodbyes, he’s surprised however to find Soonyoung is also grabbing his shoes and shouting at him to hold up. It doesn’t take more than a few moments before they’re walking out and down the steps together. The silence envelops them but it doesn’t last long. Soonyoung can rarely keep his feelings in for any extended period. _‘How did…how did you know Shua?’_ His question is straight to the point. He doesn’t seem to mind that Joshua knows, Soonyoung just wants to know how Joshua found out. _‘It was in your laughter Soonyoung. You laugh like nobody else in the world is funnier than he is. I’m sorry. Are you ok?’_

Soonyoung is quiet again. Thoughts seem to swirl around his mind, as if he’s trying to piece together his feelings into a way he can understand, and a way he can interpret for Joshua.

_‘I knew it was coming. They’ve been spending so much time together lately. It was inevitable really. Every time I thought about saying something, about confessing to him, I panicked and backed out. Losing him would be worse than him not loving me back, you know. I couldn’t risk losing him. He’s everything Joshua.’_

He takes a deep breath, and Joshua see the eyes before him fill up with unshed tears. _‘But it fucking hurts Shua. I felt like I couldn’t think back there. I couldn’t stay there for another second. I feel just, just pain. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ve lost him. It’s my fault, I know that. I should’ve said something, then at least I would have tried. Instead I let him slip through my fingers. I’m fucking pathetic.’_

They’ve stopped moving. Joshua pulls Soonyoung into a hug. _‘You are not fucking pathetic Soonyoung. Feelings are fucking scary and putting yourself out there is hard. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, but it doesn’t mean you are worth any less. Please believe me when I say, you will be okay. Do you need me to call sick into work?’_ Joshua knows when your heart breaks, you need distraction and you need people.

_‘No don’t do that. I’d feel even worse keeping you from working. I think I’ll dance. Dancing will help. I have a lesson at 8pm anyway, so a couple of hours of sweat, and then annoying teens will be a good distraction. I’ll just need your help over the next few days to help me get some space. Perhaps I can come visit you at Seungcheol’s. He can’t find out though, okay? He deserves to be happy. I love him enough to want that, you know.’_ A sad smile tugs at Soonyoung’s lips, and it breaks Joshua’s heart. They could have had something great. He really believes that, but he also believes you don’t have one person to have something great with. He knows too many wonderful people to think there is only one wonderful other for each person.

He waves Soonyoung goodbye. Joshua’s going to be late to work, but friends will always be more important than work.

He at least has that priority in order.

\--------------------------

Work drags on. His evening shifts are the worst and it’s the only job he wishes he could give up. Every time his head drops in tiredness, Chan gives him a nudge and pushes him towards the bar. It’s not professional but he can’t help it. He’s just so tired. All he’d like is a nice 8 hours of sleep, and a good cup of coffee with a sunrise. Maybe this weekend he can indulge in a few hours more sleep. With only one more exam to go, he’ll then be free to work and sleep as much as he wants soon. He feels excited about the prospect of reaching his target sooner than he expected.

Checking his watch for the millionth time, he sees it’s nearly time for him to clock out. His swap out arrived a bit early and is already doing their bar check. Joshua counts down the final minutes to midnight and, as soon as the hand reaches the magical point at the top, he practically runs out the bar waving at Chan, who has another half an hour to cover before he can leave.

Seungcheol is waiting in the car park outside. His other driver is long gone. Climbing into the driver’s seat, he notes how cold it is and wonders how long he’s been waiting. Probably far longer than Joshua wants to guess. Thankfulness washes over him. Seungcheol is making a lot of sacrifices to make sure their budding romance has the best chance. He doesn’t know many who would sit in a cold car for a couple of hours just to see their boyfriend, who’s going to leave them again in just over 6 hours and will be sleeping for most of them.

‘ _Hi’_ , he leans over to the cold looking boy and kisses him on the lips. They are as cold as the car is. Joshua feels the need to warm them up and they spend the next 5 minutes remembering the shape and feels of the others mouth’s. Exploring softly and letting all the feelings from the day inform their kiss.

_‘Hi back at you. How was work?’ Tired?’_  Seungcheol is friendly and comforting. _‘Yeah, very tired. Work was fine. Had some news from Minghao though. Apparently, they’re dating. Jun and Minghao I mean.’_

_‘Ahh yeah. Jun rang me earlier to tell me too. Seems they’ve been keeping it quiet whilst they figure it out a bit but they both wanted to tell us all on the same day, especially as the two of us are dating.’_

_‘Cute!’_ Joshua exclaims.

_‘What do you think about it?’_ Seungcheol pries gently. Joshua moves the car into gear and sets them on a road to his home. _‘Don’t really feel much about it to be honest. If the two of them make each other happy, it’s what matters right. Are you okay with it?’_ Joshua realises Seungcheol relies heavily on Jun’s support. Is he worried about losing Jun to Minghao? So, he tacks on the end of his questions a _‘You’ll be okay you know. Plus, you’ve got me.’_

Seungcheol responds at first with a smile, next a light kiss, and finally pulls Joshua in for another hug.

Whispering back, _‘I know I do. Thank You. I’m happy for Jun. At first, I was worried, but I figured out a while ago that I’ll never lose Jun. He’s family to me, and family don’t leave you. They’re there for you when you need them. I trust him.’_

It’s a tiny stab to the heart for Joshua. He can’t help but take the comment personally. It’s not Seungcheol’s fault but it still hurts all the same. For the first time he considers going home for Christmas. But as always it comes back to the money dilemma. The decision lays heavy on his heart as he tries to drift off to sleep that night. He’s tucked up in Seungcheol’s arms, safe.

He falls asleep and dreams of a world where his mom isn’t sick and Seungcheol’s mother is alive, where he doesn’t need a penny more than he has. He dreams of the two women becoming friends and being supportive of their relationship. If Seungcheol was awake he would see the tears as they fall down Joshua’s face, as he mourns a world that will never be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you for taking the time to read my little world of Joshua & Seungcheol!! I've finally managed to map out the full plot line. It's so angsty heehee!
> 
> This story should be around 28 chapters including the epilogue... so I hope this makes you as excited as me. Wanted to say a massive thank you to my beta readers/editors - Jaynie-ah & Sarah - your time on this means so much to me & I love being able to talk about my characters with you. Thank you!
> 
> I've been working a lot on my prose writing, I hope you can see the difference. The watch, right? #toocute. See you soon - already writing the next chapter, so we'll see how it goes :) 
> 
> P.S - Loving the new SVT song & it definitely is how I feel towards all my readers - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZItyr1SNjU


	16. Surprising Revelations

Seungcheol awakens to an empty bed. He stretches his hand out to where the beautiful boy of his dreams was lying a few hours ago. It’s cold, so he figures he must have been gone a while. It’s a Friday, so Seungcheol has a later start himself with a 10am class. Joshua must’ve known and let him sleep in.

Not for the first time, he wishes Joshua would take as much care of himself as he does of others. It’s hard to see him so stressed out. Yesterday had been Seungcheol’s small attempt to try and relieve some of that pressure. It worked well. He’s already committed to memory the look of pure joy on the other’s face when they walked into the coffee house, and he never wants to forget the happiness which brightened his eyes when he saw the watch. It’d been a spur of the moment purchase, when Seungcheol had popped into the same shop a week or so ago to pick up a new suit. The watch had been easy to pick out from the display. The idea of Joshua having something on his wrist all the time, which would remind him of Seungcheol was too good an opportunity to miss.

Recently he’d been feeling a need for the world to know Joshua was his. It wasn’t an ownership kind of thing, that wasn’t his kind of kink, but more that he needed the world to see how important Joshua was. Doubts had crossed his mind about whether his boyfriend would accept such an extravagant gift. He’d hoped the sentimentality behind it, would brush away the biggest concerns the other would likely bring to the table, and he’d been right. Seeing Joshua wear the watch, and still have it on last night when he’d picked him up, had soothed his internal need to claim Joshua. As long as Joshua wanted to be connected to Seungcheol, he could live with stolen moments and secret looks in public.

As he snuggles down into the soft duvet, enjoying the last few moments of peace before his day really had to begin, Seungcheol feels very peaceful. Joshua’s room in the flat is a cosy one and Seungcheol loved it. He felt at home here. He believes size to be irrelevant to creating a home. The best homes, he has found, are the ones filled with memorabilia of the owner’s life. Picture frames stuffed full of memories, ticket stubs of movie and concerts past, scribbled notes from lectures and books upon books stacked upon the shelves. Joshua’s room has it all, with the extra note of musical items strewn across the space creating the perfect symphony of Joshua.

Hearing noise from the kitchen Seungcheol makes his way down the corridor and was happy to see not only Minghao at the coffee machine, but also Jun at the table.

_‘Jun, you’re here?’_

_‘Best friend! What brings you here on this cold Friday December morning? Where’s Joshua?’_

_‘He’s at work. We went to the coffee place you suggested yesterday, but he had to go to a review session, so I ended up picking him up after work. Just wanted to see him. I don’t get to see him much, because of, you know, he’s busy with work and stuff.’_

Seungcheol’s words leave a slight awkward air in the small kitchen. He’d not meant to sound so bitter about it. Maybe it’s because he’s tired; maybe because he’s not any had any coffee yet, maybe because it’s Jun who asked and maybe because it’s a little true. He misses Joshua a lot. Yeah, they get a lot of time together at the weekend, but Seungcheol still has meetings, university work, friends to see and that doesn’t take into account how busy Joshua can be. The other boy really doesn’t stop.

_‘Don’t worry Seungcheol. I can imagine a bit how you feel. Joshua’s never here either’._ Minghao surprises Seungcheol by responding. He feels defensive, because really, it’s kind of Seungcheol’s fault Joshua’s friends don’t see him at the weekend now either. Really, he gets the most time with Joshua these days.

_‘I’m sorry Minghao - for taking Joshua away from you’_ guilt encases his heartfelt apology. He’s been so caught up in his own misery, he forgot other people were suffering and worrying about Joshua. _‘I worry so much about him. I’m happy he’ll finally get some time to himself, and some sleep, when he goes home at Christmas. He really needs it.’_

_‘err...Seungcheol what exactly did Joshua say about his travel plans at Christmas to you?’_ Minghao’s question hangs awkwardly in the air, as if he’s unsure about whether to press forward with this conversation.

Seungcheol feels lost and tries to think about their conversations concerning Joshua’s holiday plans. He was so sure Joshua had mentioned going home, but the more he thinks about it, a sudden realisation washes over him. Joshua has never actually said out loud he’s going home, and if he thinks even more, he’s also been vague about what’s he’s going to be up to over the next few weeks. No lies, but no enthusiasm for home either. No excitement to see his Mom, which surprises Seungcheol especially after that episode all those weeks ago about missing his family.

_‘What’s going on Minghao?’_ It comes out sharp.

_‘I’m not really sure if I should say anything.’_ Minghao begins slowly. He obviously doesn’t want to break Joshua’s trust but Seungcheol can tell that he doesn’t agree with whatever Joshua’s keeping from Seungcheol.

Seungcheol stays quiet and waits for Minghao to decide himself to share the information. He learnt a lot time ago that to get more information from someone, you needed to be patient. It works well in business meetings and translates well to his personal life. People need to make the decision for themselves. It’s a better way to communication he finds.

Minghao doesn’t take long to come to a decision. From what Seungcheol knows of the younger boy, he knows he is loyal to his friends, but he also can’t stand it when he thinks they are being a butt head.

_‘He’s not going home Seungcheol. He says he can’t afford it.’_

The words sit heavily on Seungcheol. He doesn’t know why Joshua wouldn’t tell him this. It must be related to the secret he won’t let him on it. It hurts. Seungcheol doesn’t want to be that type of boyfriend, but Joshua’s secrets are driving wedges in their relationship. In this instance, it’s clear Joshua didn’t want to tell Seungcheol because he knew Seungcheol would buy him the tickets to go home. It was a no-brainer to him, but for Joshua, it meant many different things.

Oh god, what was he going to do. He wanted to buy the plane tickets so badly. Joshua needed time away from school, away from work, and probably away from Seungcheol, if he still wanted to keep secrets like this from him.

_‘I want to buy them for him. What do you think I should do Minghao?’_ Seungcheol asks one of the only people he knows who can help him decide what to do. He feels desperate. For some reason, the idea of sending his boyfriend home into the arms of his loving mother becomes the only thing Seungcheol has to do with his life. _‘I’m not sure Seungcheol. There’s probably a reason he’s not told you and I think you have to respect that.’_

_‘Bro, I think Minghao’s right._ You _can’t give him the tickets.’_ Seungcheol’s ears prick up at Jun’s word. No, of course he can’t but someone else could.

_‘That’s it, Minghao! You and Soonyoung can give him the tickets for Christmas. You can say Jun knows someone who can get cheaper flights and then it will be more believable.’_

Minghao to his credit, doesn’t looked completely disgusted by the idea, more taken aback by the suggestion. It’s a good idea. Joshua is only likely to take such a gift from his closest friends, and it’s plausible as well. Even with everything supporting Seungcheol’s idea, Minghao still shares his concern. _‘I don’t really feel comfortable lying to my best friend Seungcheol. Joshua needs people he can trust in his life. It’s a tricky one as I know he really wants to go home, I can see it in his eyes, and the way he’s been staring at his family photos.’_

_‘Please Minghao, please,’_ Seungcheol doesn’t know what else to say. If Minghao says no, he won’t be able to do anything about it, especially as Soonyoung is unlikely to go against Minghao.

_‘Why don’t you ask Joshua?_ ’ Jun prods gently.

Seungcheol take a moment before responding, _‘I would but Joshua is really private about this kind of stuff, and I don’t want to pry. I know it sounds like I’m crossing the line, but I don’t need to know why he can’t afford it or why he works so hard or anything. I just need him to go home to see his family. It’s important to me and I’m willing to let him believe you guys paid for the flights, if that’s what it takes.’_

Minghao is silent for a few minutes. Seungcheol doesn’t dare breathe.

_‘Okay Seungcheol. I’ll do it. I’ll speak to Soonyoung today, and the boys he works with, as he’ll need some cover. We can decide on dates. I know roughly what he’s got left to do with University etc and Soonyoung will be able to contact his family. Once I confirm it’s a go, then you can book the tickets. Nothing fancy okay and it’s gotta be the usual times he flies. I don’t want him guessing about it just because you book him a perfectly timed flight okay? I’m only agreeing because I think he needs to see his family too.’_

Seungcheol breathes.

_‘Thank You Minghao. I’ll wait for your text and then will do as you ask. When will you give them to him?’_ He wants to know how long he’ll have to keep it from Joshua.

_‘We can do it Sunday night, if you let him go a bit earlier. We’ll arrange to have dinner with him - that should give us enough time to sort all this out.’_

_‘Thank you, Thank You Minghao’._ Seungcheol is relieved. He’s positive it’s going to work out fine.

_‘No problem Seungcheol, if I thought you had anything less than pure intentions with this, I wouldn’t consider the idea. I trust you want the best for Joshua’_. Minghao’s words come out as praise and at the same time a threat. A threat not to hurt Joshua. He can’t imagine doing that but also knows he’s teetering on a fine line with this ticket idea. He hopes Joshua will never find out he paid for it. _‘I’ll take care of him as much as I can. I promise you Minghao.’_

_‘I don’t need your promises Seungcheol. I just need you to do it.’_

The boy is straight to the point as always. Every time Seungcheol encounters Minghao, he understands more and more why Jun likes him so much. Jun has always favoured honesty and truth. They’re a good fit and Seungcheol’s happy they’ve made it official between them. Looking at the clock at the wall, he realises he’s pushing it a bit for time, especially as he needs to hand in his final assignment.

_‘Jun, you heading to class soon? Want to walk in together?’_ Seungcheol watches Jun glance to Minghao and catches a small nod back from the younger. He wonders if he’s just unintentionally broken some of their plans again. However, before he can rescind the offer, Jun replies with an affirmative nod. Once again, he’s thankful towards Minghao, grateful his circle of friends has grown to include him.

\--------

The walk and class itself don’t stand out, but afterwards Seungcheol finds himself eating out away from the office again. This time with Jun. He wonders briefly if his staff might be feeling burdened by his absence and decides to make a renewed effort to be as visible to his staff as much as he can. He wants to lead his company by example, which means balancing turning up to the office with developing his personal life. It’s a tricky one to manage but he figures if he checks in with himself regularly, he won’t go too far either way.

Jun is talking about Minghao, recounting a tale of the younger getting upset over Jun’s insistent they take things slow. Jun reveals after their initial heavy make out session, they haven’t kissed quite as much or as heavily. Knowing Jun wants to talk about it, Seungcheol gently prods him for more information.

_‘What’s going on Jun? Why are you keeping him at arm’s length? I thought he was what you wanted.’_

His friend takes a deep breath and swirls the straw around in his bubble tea. It appears he has also decided to spill some news today to Seungcheol. Clearly, it’s one of those kinds of days.

_‘I think Minghao has feelings for Soonyoung. Ones he hasn’t dealt with yet. I’m afraid if I throw myself in fully, when he realises he has feelings for Soonyoung he won’t know how to deal with them. They’ve known each other longer and it’s messy. I hate not speaking the truth to Minghao about it but it’s not my place to say. Also, what if I’m wrong? I don’t think I am but there’s always the possibility. Then on the other side, what if I’m right? He is in love with Soonyoung and he leaves me. I’m afraid to lose him. It’s silly. I’ve only known him for a short while, but I think I love him.’_

Seungcheol takes a few moments to process what he’s been told, and thinks about his limited interactions with both boys. Surprisingly he’s only been around them together a few times. The three, when including Joshua, have always looked close in Seungcheol’s eyes. Something he thought came naturally from them living together for so long, but when he focuses his mind in on the two boys Jun’s referring to, he can see each gesture in a slightly different way. He comes to the same conclusion as Jun. His best friend has never been one to make drama and has always put his feelings to the side. So, it doesn’t surprise Seungcheol he’s doing the same now, wouldn’t he have done the same if he’d thought Joshua had feelings for Soonyoung?

_‘Jun, you’re not being silly about the feelings issue. I’ve seen them together and there’s something more there, but don’t you think there might be a reason he’s never done anything about it? Not everyone you have feelings for is meant to turn into a relationship.’_

Once again Seungcheol feels thoughts of Wonwoo creep into his heart. The guilt eats away at him.

_‘That’s true. I have considered the possibility neither of them has realised but I’m also certain Soonyoung is aware, and has just been too afraid to do anything about it. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to lose him either.’_

Seungcheol laughs. He’s not amused in the funny sense but it’s laughter-worthy how silly people can be, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Poor Soonyoung; he thinks. Poor all of them. He doesn’t have any practical advice for this situation. Jun’s perception of people and their feelings is far more accurate than his. He can only offer his opinion on the matter.

_‘I think you either let him in and forget you believe this, trusting him to make his own choice, or you bring it up and force the issue onto the table. I personally suggest you let it go. Enjoy what you have right now, because you never know what’s going to happen in the future. Maybe your relationship with Minghao is only supposed to last for a short while, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it for what it is now. If you push him away like this, you might push him into Soonyoung’s arms unintentionally. We’ve all read the stories about people who make happen the very thing they are trying to avoid by pushing people away.’_

Seungcheol is happy with his comments. It’s sound advice and he hopes Jun takes it. Better to enjoy what you have whilst you have it. If losing his Mother has taught him anything this year, is it’s that nothing lasts forever. Love who you want to love, and work hard to appreciate the things you love. He still misses his mom every day, more than he will admit to anyone and it’s not always in an obvious I’m in pain kind of way.

Sometimes, it’s when someone is talking their mother, or when someone is talking about the company’s past. Occasionally it’s just when switching on the news in the morning, which reminds him of the 100s of times he saw his mother do it. He misses the role she played in his life, and he often feels like he’s in mourning for what she is yet to miss. She won’t be at his wedding or meet his children. She won’t see her company expand into Thailand. She’ll never meet Joshua - and that hurts more than he can articulate.

_‘Show him off Jun. Introduce him to your parents. Make him a big part of your life. Don’t wake up one day and be miserable because you missed it all.’_

Jun looks him in the eye, knowing Seungcheol is talking about more than his situation with Minghao now. Jun nods and gently squeezes Seungcheol’s shoulders. If anything, Jun is as good as giving advice as he is at taking it. Seungcheol has faith he’ll make the right decision. He just hopes Minghao and Soonyoung will also make the right decisions for themselves.

Seungcheol wonders if Joshua knows about this too. He wouldn’t be surprised if he did; his boyfriend is intelligent and sharp. Two traits which send a sharp pang of desire through Seungcheol. He’s looking forward to seeing him this weekend. One of their last of the year, if his plans to get Joshua to LA work out.

\----------------------

_‘Yo Seungcheol. Soonyoung’s spoken to his family, so that’s fine. He’ll be done by the 20 th, so if you book flights out on the 22nd because we have a meal planned for him on the 21st. The boys at work have cobbled plans together to cover for him until the 2nd January. So, book return flights for evening of the 1st. Other than that, I’ll send over his passport number etc. Use my university email address for the tickets. Give me a shout if you have any other questions. Can you book by Sunday?’_

Minghao’s text is detailed but he wouldn’t expect anything less. The other details follow soon after the first text. Joshua is due over at Seungcheol’s in an hour’s time. As he’s so keen to sort the flights out before Minghao can change his mind Seungcheol gets to work right away and books the tickets as per the instructions. He sends them back in record time and Minghao’s text response confirms he managed to not fuck it up.

_‘Wow that was fast Hyung. These look good. We’ll give them to him Sunday evening as planned. Food’s at 7pm, so if you can send him home at 6pm-ish that would be great. By the way, I know I made this hard, but I appreciate you doing this for him. He needs it. So, thanks.’_

Seungcheol is delighted by Minghao’s heartfelt message. This morning he’d not seemed very into the idea, but he guesses once the younger had got past his initial reluctance he’d decided it was a nice gesture.

Lying to Joshua does not sit easy on his heart, it makes him feel bad. Lying to Joshua and then having to spend a weekend with him without saying anything makes him feel uneasy. Not because he can’t keep a secret, he has to all the time for work, but because Joshua is the kind of person who values honesty, and this goes against everything that Joshua is.

Seungcheol panics.

Would Joshua forgive him if he found out Seungcheol had lied and got his friends to lie too? More panic creeps in, and his anxiety levels start to rise. Maybe he should cancel the tickets, but he can’t bear the thought of Joshua not going home to see his family.

Ping. Seungcheol’s snapped out of his down spiralling thoughts by the sound of his penthouse’s lift.

Joshua’s arrived, and it doesn’t take long for him to find him in the office. Seungcheol’s managed to shut down all evidence of the bookings, which took place only moments ago, but he’s struggles to shake the anxiety as easily. Part of him believes it’s okay because it’s for Joshua’s own good, but the other part thinks maybe nothing is worth lying about to someone you love.

He wonders if he’s going to be able to keep a secret at all. Pushing it aside momentarily, he lets Joshua embrace him with a warm hug. The anxiety melts away as it often does in the presence of the younger, but he knows it will return soon.

He just hopes his plan will work out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooooo things are getting fun!!!! Nearly Christmas for these guys - funny how real timelines & storylines can be totally out of whack!!
> 
> I adored writing Minghao this chapter - can't wait to write a chapter from his POV!! Thanks for the love as usual. Any ideas what's coming? Would love to hear your predictions.
> 
> Much love x


	17. Broken Trust

_‘How could you do this to me?’_

Joshua’s yelling at Seungcheol. He hates that he’s yelling at him, but he’s so mad right now. They’re standing in the middle of Seungcheol’s living room, facing one another with roughly a foot between them. Joshua is livid, and Seungcheol is maintaining eye contact but his body is turned in on itself.

Joshua’s torn between yelling some more and stepping forward to embrace the other in his arms. His feet speak for him, as he stays frozen to the spot, unable to let go of his anger or frustration. Joshua hadn’t seen it coming.

One minute, he, Soonyoung and Minghao were all laughing and eating food. The next Minghao was pulling out the tickets, talking about how they pooled some money and Jun had helped them out.

But Joshua had known the truth from the moment he saw the tickets. To be fair, he’d been pretty upset with his two best friends as well - mainly for allowing Seungcheol to do this in the first place. He’d felt like no-one understood why he was doing what he was doing. Why were they trying to force him to go home, when it was the last place he wanted to be?

_‘I’m sorry Joshua.’_

Focusing back on the moment, Joshua looks at the man before him and feels anger bubble beneath the surface of his usual placid posture. It’s fuelled, not by Seungcheol’s actions to buy Joshua a ticket home this Christmas, but by the lies. The worst thing someone can do to Joshua is lie. Lies are dishonest in his eyes. He understands in life, sometime a small lie of I’m fine, when you’re not or too quick promise to do something you can’t do straight away is normal, but a plan hatched around a lie is unforgiveable, or so he thought.

How could Seungcheol do this to him?

Why would he do this to him? He thought Seungcheol knew him better than most. How could he put Joshua in such an awful position? Underneath the anger Joshua knows there is also a lot of sadness and hurt within him. The person he’d come to rely on the most, has let him down in the worst way possible. Seungcheol isn’t someone he can easily push aside, he needs him in more way than one but is he worth giving up everything which makes Joshua himself.

He wants to scream, get the frustration out of his body somehow. Instead he returns to taking his anger out on Seungcheol.

_‘It doesn’t matter if you’re sorry Seungcheol. Don’t you see? This can’t be undone. Even if you apologise, you’re still someone who would’ve continued to lie to me. To make choices for me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I hate that you’re making me into someone I don’t want to be. If this was anyone else, I would’ve finished whatever we have right here but because it’s you - I can’t. How could you do this to me? I just can’t...I cannot deal with this right now.’_

Joshua turns away, he can’t look at Seungcheol anymore because he’s so confused. Looking into Seungcheol’s eyes makes him see things he isn’t ready to face. Things he needs to keep buried before they unravel him. For the first time ever, he considers what it would’ve been like if he’d never met Seungcheol.

_‘I know I can’t change what I’ve done and, in all honesty, if I could go back I don’t think I’d do it any differently, because you have to go home Joshua. You need to. I know you can’t tell me what’s going on, but I know enough to say without hesitation that it’s over there. Whatever it is that you are not facing._

_I need you to go Joshua. It’s hurting me too. To see you like this and not to be able to do anything about it. You would never have taken the tickets from me if I’d bought them for you. You can barely take a coffee from me most days without having to return the favour. And after the watch, I knew you would be even less likely to take them._

_So, I apologise for getting your friends involved, that’s on me but I can’t and won’t take it back. Whether you can forgive me or not though, please use the tickets. I won’t cancel them, so I hope you do.’_

Anger spikes once again within Joshua. Seungcheol’s not even giving him an out to make this right. He’s pushing every button and he feels vulnerable with no safety net to catch him.

_‘I can’t be here. I can’t do this.’_

So, he strides across the penthouse desperate to escape, but to where? _Anywhere but here_ , comes the startling answer.

As Joshua hurtles through the door and into the waiting lift, which hasn’t had the chance to return to the ground floor since he burst in 5 minutes prior, he doesn’t hear the faint whisper which follows him.

_‘I love you, Joshua. I’ll wait forever for you to come back.’_

\------

Jeonghan’s flat is the haven he decides upon. Joshua doesn’t want to return home right now.  He’s too angry to face his housemates, both of whom have been messaging him constantly since he’d challenged them about the plane tickets and Soonyoung’s face had given the game away.

He had to hand it to Minghao, he certainly had a game face. Even when accused of the betrayal he kept cool. It was something Joshua had admired in the past, but when faced with himself, it had only infuriated him more.

All three of them had betrayed him, they’d even involved his work colleagues, which meant, right now, they were the enemy too. He didn’t know how else to describe how he felt about them all. Obviously, they’d been trying to help, and how could they have known that Joshua wouldn’t see it as the nice gesture they did, but rather the betrayal of the century from the people he thought loved him the most?

And to say, he wasn’t the dramatic one in their circle of friends.  The only person who felt safe right now was Jeonghan, especially safe after he confirmed Jeonghan had had no part to play in it all.

Later, after Joshua had retold the story, and he partially had managed to distract his mind from all that was going on, Jeonghan spoke up.

_‘Are you going to go then?’_

_‘Go where?’ LA so far out of his train of his thoughts, Joshua blanked for what Jeonghan could be talking about._

_‘Home, Joshua. Are you going to go home?’_

_‘I don’t know. Seungcheol said he wouldn’t return the tickets, whether I used them or not. I hate that he’s putting me in this position, because really if I don’t use them, it’s a bit shitty of me. On the other hand, my mom will be very happy. It’s not about winning here, I just feel like I need some space to even process what’s happened. Can I ask you a question, Jeonghan?’_

_‘Of course, Shua. Ask away.’_

_‘Do you really think I’m too stubborn for my own good? Do you think Seungcheol had any other choice in this? Was this life necessary if he believed I needed to go home? Just feel like maybe my judgement in this situation is out of whack because of everything going on with my mom, you know.’_

Joshua looks at Jeonghan. The person who he trusts to tell him the truth no matter what. There’s silence for longer than Joshua is comfortable with. He braces himself for impact, as too much time before Jeonghan speaks means he’s not particularly going to like what he has to say.

_‘I think you have a reason to be upset, first and foremost Seungcheol lied to you. Whether you would have accepted the tickets or not is beside the point . He knows you hate lies, even ones that are supposedly good for you. However, based on your question, whether he had any choice if he believed you needed to go home. Then no, he didn’t. I don’t believe you would’ve accepted the tickets. In fact, I think he knows you so well that this was probably the only way you might have accepted tickets from someone else as a gift._

_Your determination to take care of yourself is an admirable trait, one which serves you well a lot of the time. It’s made you self-sufficient, enabled you to travel across the world to live out your dreams. In a way it has helped you cope with your mother’s illness. But it has also pushed the person you seemed to have fallen in love with away and kept him at a distance, which has led him to a decision which now puts your relationship in jeopardy.’_

The truth hurts, and Joshua is not spared from its brutality. He mentally runs through everything they’ve experienced together. Even from the beginning he tried to keep them from getting too close, afraid Seungcheol would break down his walls and see the truth - See that Joshua is afraid. He’s terrified every day that he’ll wake up too late and it will be over - his mom will die, and he will not have said goodbye. This is the truth that haunts him the most. The truth which threatens to rip his world apart.

_‘You’re right. I know this isn’t all Seungcheol’s fault and I want to let it go, but I’m not ready to let him in yet. This goes against all the advice you’ve just given me, but I need part of my life, not to be about my mom. Something that doesn’t remind me of the fact she could die. I thought Seungcheol was that part, but he keeps pushing me back in ways I can’t predict. Like tickets home to see the one person he can’t know that it pains me to even think about, let alone see in person._

_I have to go though. I know that. I would be the biggest idiot if I didn’t take this opportunity to see my mom. But can I fly home and still be mad at Seungcheol? By taking the tickets, does that mean I forgive him?”_

They’re just some of the questions which are flying through Joshua’s mind. Can he forgive Seungcheol? Really forgive him, because that is what matters the most here. Regardless of whether he’s on that flight home or not.

_‘Joshua my lovely best friend. I wish I could answer for you, but I can’t. I’m not even going to tell you what I suggest because this is your relationship, with the person you love. The only thing I will say is that not everything new to us comes that easily. Sometimes we have to at least try to do it; otherwise we don’t know what we are capable of.’_

\-----------------

Joshua returns to his flat before work the next day. He spent the morning at work, responding bluntly toward a very apologetic looking Seungkwan and DK. Both had enough sense to understand Joshua needed space. They aren’t really who Joshua is upset with, but he feels they need to suffer a little, so they’ll think twice next time before going along with crazy hair brained schemes like these.

His day has gone smoothly all things considered, filled with a review session for their last exam with Mingyu and lunch with Jeonghan. Both experiences were void of conversation about the ticket drama, but he knew at home he wouldn’t be able to avoid it and he was right.

Minghao and Soonyoung were waiting for him. Soonyoung bursting out with ‘ _Joshua, are you ok?’_ as soon as he walked in the door, evidently upset with the lack of communication from Joshua all day. Even when he’s in the wrong, he still manages to make it seem like the other person is at fault when they don’t respond to his messages. It’s Soonyoung’s way, and Joshua has long accepted that.

However, it has been a long time since Soonyoung has upset Joshua like this, which is probably why he doesn’t find it so bothersome usually. ‘ _I’m okay guys. I just needed some space to cool off.’_

_‘Why didn’t you respond to any of our messages? We were worried about you. We even contacted Seungcheol. He said you wanted some space.’_

_‘Soonyoung, give Joshua some space to breathe okay. He got home like 5 seconds ago. You can’t just be forgiven because you demand it.’_

Ahh Minghao, always the voice of reason balancing out Soonyoung’s forceful nature. The two were an amazing pair, even if they didn’t see it.

_‘I’m sorry Joshua. I hate you being angry at me and I’m sorry we lied to you. I should’ve known better but it just seemed like an amazing idea and I couldn’t afford to help and….’_

_‘Soonyoung, you’re doing it again’,_ Minghao cuts him off again. Sharpness rounds the edge of his tone. One he tends to use, when he feels Soonyoung is really pushing Joshua.

_‘It’s okay Minghao. I understand. Soonyoung, I forgive you, but only on the condition that you never lie to me again - even if it’s supposedly good for me. And the same goes to you Minghao, because I get the feeling this would never have happened without your consent and I know you value honesty as much as I do, so why. Why lie?’_

The response comes quick with purpose, it’s apologetic but at the same time not _. ‘Because you needed to go home to see your mom okay. I couldn’t send you there, neither could Soonyoung or Jeonghan and I knew you would never pay for it, whilst your saving up for your mom’s operation.’_

The blow hits him hard. He’d thought he’d been so good at keeping his situation from Minghao, but it seems he knew all along.

_‘How did you know Minghao?_ Joshua asks, already knowing what the answer will be.

_‘I listen Joshua and I watch, just like you do, plus Soonyoung’s been acting weird for weeks. He didn’t say anything, but I guessed most of it, and then I heard you talking to someone on the phone the other day and you mentioned an operation payment. So, I put two and two together and got four.’_

It’s to be expected. Joshua can’t keep it from everyone forever, and it’s a relief to know Minghao now knows. The boy is always a sensible port of advice.

_‘Okay, I understand why but I need you to not make decisions for me like this. Can you do that?’_

_‘Yes, Joshua I can. I’m sorry by the way. I don’t want you to think I made this choice lightly, and to be fair, I only went through with it because a Seungcheol seemed desperate and I was worried what else he might try and b) I’m really worried about you, and think you need to go home. I can’t imagine what I’d do if something happened to my mom and I didn’t go home when I had the chance. Please consider going. We both think it’s the right choice, even if we went about the wrong way.’_

Another person, well two people, telling him he should go home. Was the universe trying to tell him something? Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Minghao, Soonyoung and his mom all want him to go. Joshua knows this is his only choice, but he needs to make it sooner rather than later. Once he’s made the decision, then he can decide whether he can forgive the instigator of this drama.

_‘Okay. I’ll go home but the two of you - better never lie to me again, I don’t think my poor heart can take any more of this stuff okay? A sick mom and a lying boyfriend is about all I can cope with.’_

It’s meant to sound funny, but it comes across stilted. Does he really see Seungcheol as a liar?

No, he doesn’t. Seungcheol lied to him, but he’s not a liar. He doesn’t lie to make things easier for himself. He doesn’t lie to hurt people and he doesn’t tell lies to make others feel bad. He’s a good person, who made a mistake. Joshua realises he’s already forgiven him, the moment he spoke to Jeonghan. Though Seungcheol needs to understand he can’t lie again, even if things won’t go his way, he cannot lie to Joshua again because Joshua does not know if he can’t forgive him again.

Everybody deserves a chance to learn, don’t they?

\-----------

During his break at work Joshua finally gets a chance to look at his phone. He reads the messages from his roommates, messages filled with regret and apologies from Soonyoung, apologies and matter of fact-ness from Minghao but it’s the 3 messages from Seungcheol which hurt the most to read.

_‘Joshua, I know you’re upset with me. You have every right to be. Just know I want to love you, and to take care of you. Sorry I’m not good enough at either of these things.’_

_‘Minghao said you were probably with Jeonghan. I hope you’re safe. Sleep well.’_

And lastly today, _‘I hope your revisions session went well. I know you can do it. I don’t know whether to keep messaging you, but I can’t seem not to. I love you.’_

He doesn’t respond to Seungcheol, but only because what he wants to say, he wants to say in person. He’s going to head over after work to talk it out with him, partly because he doesn’t want this hanging over his head whilst preparing for his exam on Wednesday but also because he can’t bear the thought of Seungcheol being so sad, especially when he isn’t as mad at him anymore.

The hours are slow in their passing, and it makes Joshua feet feel itchy. He wants to see Seungcheol, feeling a slight case of withdrawal, even though it’s been less than 24 hours since he rushed out. Finally, the hour of his departure arrives, and it seems Seungcheol missed him just as much because Joshua finds him waiting in the car park again.

He looks unsure of himself, and sad in general. For all the anger Joshua’s felt in the past day, nothing hurts as much as this. Seeing Seungcheol look so lost is heart breaking. Love is a strange thing. It makes you feel things you don’t expect to. He walks up to the window and knocks. Seungcheol snaps out of whatever daydream he was in. Joshua gestures to the door lock, and Seungcheol hits the according button for Joshua to swing the door open and then swing himself inside. It’s seamless and the two of them are again together but this time in silence.

It’s neither comfortable not uncomfortable.

_‘Joshua…’ ‘Seungcheol’,_ the two speaking at the same time.

_‘You go first Joshua, you have the right to.’_

_‘Although I don’t think I have the right to, as you put it, I will go first because I hate seeing you so upset. I’m sorry I reacted so badly. To be honest all I could see were the lies. It blinded me somewhat. I know you were acting in the way I had almost forced you to. I find it so difficult to accept gifts, as you know, and as you predicted, flights home is a huge thing. I want to say first I forgive you. I know I’m not the easiest to get along with, and I now understand why you would go through all this to give me something you think I need._

_But I also need you to understand that you can never lie to me again. Even for something you think is a good cause. I may not always make the right decisions for myself, and I have things I know I’m not dealing with, but I need you to trust me on this one and know I will get there. I love you Seungcheol, I need you alongside me supporting me, not going against me. I’m not perfect. I will make more choices, which probably won’t be the best ones for me, but you can’t take those choices away from me. They are who I am.’_

Seungcheol is crying, so Joshua reaches over to hug him. He hopes it’s because of the relief of Joshua forgiving him.

_‘Joshua, I’m really sorry. I just wanted you to go home. I couldn’t see that I was taking your choice away from you, that I was being controlling. I hate the thought you felt that way, and I’m sorry I lied. I know I said this last night, but you need to hear it. I won’t lie again. I promise.’_

It seems for now, the two of them have found a state of harmony, but Joshua’s not sure how long it will last because technically Joshua is telling the biggest lie of them all.

He keeps saying he’s fine but he’s not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya! Thank you for waiting for this next chapter. Life has been a bit mental - had to fly to Munich for work & then went to Thailand!!! Yes I'm writing this from lovely & warm Thailand. Gonna be here all month but don't worry leaves me lots of time for writing. I've even written the next chapter - which gets a bit steamy. Just got to wait for it to come back from my beta writer :)
> 
> Mini angst drama here - more to come!! :) As always thank you for reading & commenting when you can. Hwaiting!!!


	18. A Temporary Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warn you now, this chapter contains scenes of a sexual nature. I wouldn't call them 'smut' per say but it is fairly graphic. If you prefer not to read this chapter, I will post a summary of events at the end.

Seungcheol is going to miss Joshua. He’s only going to be gone for two weeks, but Seungcheol’s become so accustomed to the other boy being around that it’s a strange feeling to contend with. Joshua leaves in the morning, having finished his last exam this afternoon. They have a few hours to celebrate their own little Christmas together, and then he’s on his own again.

It feels different this time, with Joshua by his side Seungcheol feels like he can take on the world. The plane ticket home debacle had been the most painful experience of recent months. It had felt like losing his mother all other again, not with the same intense pain but pain all the same. He’d felt empty, which was never a good feeling for Seungcheol.

He’d quickly come to realise he was in the wrong. Just because he had the money to give, didn’t mean he should. It wasn’t right to solve another person’s problem, just because he could. He’d tried to make himself think it was okay to deceive Joshua, but the look on the other boy’s face when he’d stormed in on Sunday had told him everything he needed to know about what was right or what was wrong in this situation.

Those 24 hours had been torturous for Seungcheol. He’d played everything over in his mind. Joshua had to go home. Had there been another way to do it? Well yes, but Joshua could no would’ve said no. The reason he’d not chosen that path was because he couldn’t accept a future where Joshua hadn’t gone home.

But how fair was that to Joshua?

To take away someone’s choice was to take away their freedom and Seungcheol had done that without even thinking about the consequences to his actions. He’d asked himself, was this who he wanted to be and when the answer had come back as a firm no, he knew he needed to beg for forgiveness from Joshua.

Seungcheol wasn’t sure he would get any.

Texts were so impersonal, which is why Seungcheol found himself again sat outside Joshua’s work place waiting for the younger boy to finish. Ready to apologise a thousand times, Seungcheol had been surprised to receive forgiveness from Joshua. It was too much. He’d cried. He didn’t deserve the love, but they’d had been a condition - Seungcheol could never lie to Joshua again.

Not even taking a moment to consider the implications, he’d agreed readily and the two had spent the night cuddled up in Joshua’s bed. The distance between them gone.

Only as he was falling asleep with Joshua’s head against his chest, did he wonder whether it went the other way? Was Joshua allowed to lie to Seungcheol? Was he already lying by not telling him the truth?

\------------

Seungcheol and Joshua are having their own little Christmas together. He’d been so taken back when Joshua had suggested it on Monday morning.

_‘Let’s celebrate together on Wednesday evening. I’ll cook us some food and you can bring a movie over maybe? If you want to?’_

_‘Yes, yes please. Sounds amazing.’_

_‘No more gifts though’_ , Joshua joked, both understood what he meant.

So here Seungcheol was in Joshua’s kitchen with Christmas songs playing in the background, English of course Joshua had insisted, and he was watching Joshua flit around the kitchen cooking all sorts of dishes. Some familiar, most foreign looking to Seungcheol. Joshua had informed him, he wanted to share a bit of home with him. Seungcheol felt happy.

_‘Try some of this?’_ Joshua poked a spoon full of something orange looking in his direction. ‘ _What is it?’_ he replied with trepidation. He wasn’t the bravest when it came to new food. His mother had always encouraged him to try new things, especially because they would often travel to foreign countries for work, but he’d always held a slight distrust of strange foods. Perhaps it was that strange dish he’d tried when he young with Jun and had been sick for days. Come to think of, he didn’t really remember being that awkward about it before then.

Feeling brave he opened his mouth and accepted the mushy looking food. He is rewarded with a creamy, light taste with a slightly lumpy texture that tasted divine. _‘What on earth is that?_ ’ he fails to hide his surprise. ‘ _My mum’s famous pumpkin mashed potato. A bit of an odd combination but I think it totally works, and it’s perfect for a Christmas dinner.’_

_‘It’s great. I’m looking forward to it all’._ Perhaps Seungcheol’s aversion to foreign foods may be coming to an end.  _‘Awesome. Right, dinner will be ready in about 5 minutes. So, do you wanna take out what’s done, and I’ll bring the roast out? Once we finish dinner, we can pop on the movie and have some hot Choco? Sound good?_ Seungcheol nods in response. He’s too happy to form words. It felt like a real family Christmas meal and it was perfect. Monday felt like a lifetime ago.

Finishing his plate, Seungcheol rubs his stomach. He’s so full. _‘Oh my god Joshua, that was awesome. Thank you so much’._ Ever since meeting Joshua, Seungcheol had found himself copying more and more of Joshua’s expressions. He likes feeling closer to the other, even in this small way. The other just smiles in return and starts to clear the plates.

With the movie on, and the two in their usual positions cuddling close on the sofa. Seungcheol thinks about how things have returned to normal between the two. Though Seungcheol is still reluctant to mention LA much. He doesn’t want to make Joshua feel uneasy, and neither does he want to ruin their last evening together in 2017.

‘I think the thing I’m most looking forward to in LA is watching the holiday parade. I love going with my mom most years, but we didn’t make it last Christmas. I think it will be good to go.’

Joshua gets a faraway look in his eye, the one Seungcheol notices every time Joshua mentions his mom. He wonders again for the hundredth time, is there something wrong with Joshua’s mom? He can’t ask, and he doesn’t want to, but it makes him wonder if perhaps that’s why life brought them together, to help each other maybe. Then again maybe not.

Foolish thinking will just hurt more in the end. He needs to be in the present. Thinking about the future won’t make him appreciate the moment he’s in right now. Maybe they won’t make it, but he has Joshua in his arms right now and this is the only place Seungcheol wants to be.

_‘Will we talk much whilst you’re in LA?’_ Seungcheol hears the sadness in his own voice. He feels silly admitting how much he will miss the other to himself, never mind to Joshua.

_‘Of course, we will. I’m on holiday so it will be easy. If you don’t work too hard, then it’s only 15 hours difference. I’ll catch you in the morning and in the evenings. You’ll be okay, won’t you?’_ Joshua sounds worried, as if he’s only just realised that without Joshua, Seungcheol will mostly be alone. _‘Seungcheol, what are you doing for Christmas?’_ Apprehension evident in his tone.

_‘Don’t worry Shua. Jun always has spent Christmas with me and mother, so this year it will be just the two of us. Which is fine. Jun loves to cook, if you didn’t know? He’s going to make us a traditional Chinese feast. Plus, this is my Christmas right here.’_

_‘Aww so cute Cheollie. Okay, and you’re right, this feels like a perfect mini Christmas for me too. I’m sad I won’t be with you on Christmas day though, but we can skype when I wake up if you want? Also wait a minute….’_

Seungcheol watches Joshua get up, head over to his bag and retrieve something out of it. It’s a flat package but matches the size of a book. Walking back, Seungcheol notices a sheepish look on Joshua’s face. _‘It’s not much. Nothing compared to the gifts you got me, but I wanted to give you something from me. I wanted you to know how much meeting you and having you in my life means to me. I love you, Seungcheol.’_

Taking the gift, Seungcheol knows whatever is inside will be perfect. Ripping the Christmassy themed wrapping paper off, a silver and black photo frame falls out of the packaging. It’s a photo frame made in a classic style, which will fit in perfectly with Seungcheol’s bedroom décor but it’s the photo in the frame which makes his heart swell.

It’s a photo they took a few weeks ago, right after they realised they were in love with one another. It was the date after the coffee house one. Joshua’s treat had been to take them to a local park near the University, where he’d pulled out a small picnic for the two to enjoy. As Joshua had snapped a selfie of the two, Seungcheol had sneaked a kiss to the other’s cheek. He’d not seen the picture at the time, but it was beautiful. Well, Joshua was, and the picture had captured a perfect snapshot in time of their relationship.

_‘It’s for your room at home. Partly so you remember me whilst I’m gone, but also because I realised you took all your photos down after the accident, didn’t you? I thought this could be one of the new memories you could use to build it up again. I don’t mean for it replace your mother but thought it would be nice. Sorry, if it’s too much.’_

_‘You know what Joshua, sometimes I can’t believe you exist. You’re right. I took them down because I couldn’t bare another moment seeing them. Looking at her made my heart break. I can’t believe you noticed. I love you so much. This is the best gift, mostly because you gave it to me, but because it’s a testament to how much you know me. I’m not my money, my job or any of that. You just know me and I’m sorry I made you doubt my feelings for you in any way this past week. If I have to apologise a thousand times, I will.’_

Joshua cuts him off with a kiss. It’s a deep, and passionate, which says more than any words will. It’s filled with forgiveness, thankfulness and desire. The two haven’t had much time to take things beyond kissing and late-night cuddling. Joshua’s always so exhausted that Seungcheol never wants to push it but tonight he can feel Joshua wants more. With exams out of the way and a slight air of desperation, which has been ignited from the thought of their separation, Seungcheol feels Joshua push more effort into his kiss.

Kissing harder and introducing his tongue to gentle caress Seungcheol lips’ and then his tongue. The two are in complete harmony, getting closer and closer to one another.

Seungcheol feels a jolt of desire run through his body down his core straight into this groin. Oh god, Joshua is more beautiful than any picture could capture. Joshua’s gift will go a long way to reminding Seungcheol of his love for the other boy, but it will never match up to the feeling of having Joshua pressed into him with a raw burning energy like this.

With hands firmly placed on Joshua’s hips, he pulls the slender boy onto his lap and feels that Joshua is as turned on as he is. Joshua is hard and Seungcheol can barely think as Joshua begins to grind down onto Seungcheol’s own rising cock.

His brain goes into overdrive and tries to catch up with what’s going on. Are they really going to do this tonight? Isn’t it a bit too soon after their fight? He tries to focus his thoughts, but Joshua moves his lips to Seungcheol’s shoulders, starts peppering light kisses along it and Seungcheol loses all sense of himself.

Whether it’s a good idea or not, it seems it’s happening. Seungcheol doesn’t want to make love to Joshua on the living room sofa, so he picks up the younger boy, and carries him out of the living room and turns right into Joshua’s room. He’s thankful the other two flatmates miraculously both have plans tonight.

Joshua by now has clamped his legs around Seungcheol’s waist and Seungcheol notices how strong the younger’s legs are, probably from all the walking he does from job to job.

When they reach Joshua’s bed, Seungcheol lays the younger down and presses light kisses around his mouth. Showering the younger with as much love and affection as he can. If nothing else happens, Seungcheol wants Joshua to feel loved tonight. He wants him to fly home to face whatever is going on with his heart filled with as much love as possible.

Joshua tugs at his shirt, so Seungcheol pulls it off and Joshua starts kissing his bare chest. It tickles but it’s also lovely. Once Joshua has settled back, the two stare at each for a little while neither moving or speaking. Joshua’s eyes are as lovely as the day he met him in his foyer. They sparkle in their blue shade and today they are showing something new. Seungcheol can see desire he felt in Joshua’s kisses. He resists for as long as he can, as he wants to enjoy the moment, but it’s too much for Seungcheol and he dives back in for a kiss.

After minutes of kissing, Seungcheol decides Joshua needs to lose some clothing too. He wants to feel Joshua’s skin next to his. He wants to have their bodies as close to one another as possible, so he can imprint himself onto the other.

Seungcheol isn’t thinking of the future but deep down, his anxiety is encouraging him to connect their souls in any way possible. It doesn’t make much sense, but he’ll go with it. Almost instinctively Joshua sits up and pulls his own shirt off as Seungcheol thinks about it, so Seungcheol makes light work of his jeans. Tugging them off by the ends, as they sit tight on Joshua’s skinny legs like always.

Joshua’s skin is gorgeous. It’s slightly tanned, and soft. It has the usual markings of an adventurous kid though. A small scar below his left knee, Seungcheol kisses it. Then a slight mark near his left toe, he kisses that too.

He works his way up Joshua’s leg, kissing as he goes. Joshua makes content sounds of approval, so he continues. He goes all the way up until his reaches Joshua’s boxers. Green tight brief type boxers, which are encasing Joshua’s bulging cock. From this viewpoint, Seungcheol can tell the other boy isn’t small, neither is he enormous though. The perfect size Seungcheol thinks.

Seungcheol’s never been bothered being a certain position in the bedroom before. He’s bottomed and topped, each partner needed different things from him. He’s happily obliged the all. To say that though, he’s not been with many partners in his life and for a brief second, he wonders if Joshua has.

He shakes his head. No, it doesn’t matter. He just wants to love Joshua right here and right now.

Reaching up with his fingers, he pulls the green boxes down and releases the firm cock. It’s gorgeous to Seungcheol, and he takes it in his hand straight away. Gently stroking it a few times to get a grasp of its shape and size within Seungcheol’s fist. He’s right. It’s the perfect size.

Without reservation Seungcheol dives into taste the cock in his hand. He finds it slightly salty. He opens his throat wider and allows more in, sucking as he goes. He begins to bob his head and feels Joshua start to fall apart. Joshua is shaking, with his left hand in Seungcheol’s hair gripping lightly. He’s loving the way he’s making Joshua lose it. The more Joshua grips his mess of hair, the harder Seungcheol sucks. He flicks the end of the cock with the tip of his tongue, massaging up and down. A few more minutes of stimulation, Joshua comes with a loud groan.

For the first time in a while Joshua splutters out breathlessly, _‘oh god…Seungcheol…just…amazing. …can’t believe…gone so long without doing that.’_

Seungcheol laughs and grabs the tissue Joshua offers him, which he seems to have pulled from the bedside drawer. _‘You okay with that though?’_ Seungcheol wants to check they’re on the same page. They both want this, whatever it is.

_‘Yes, oh god yes Seungcheol. I want you so badly. I have for a while. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy and too tired for this. I do want it. Do you?’_

_‘I want it too. I want you.’_

No more words are needed. Joshua grabs at Seungcheol’s trousers and in return, Seungcheol pulls at Joshua’s boxers, which are still half way down his legs from before. With clothes discarded to the side both boys are now naked and openly staring at one another. It’s not that he hasn’t seen Joshua mostly naked before, they’ve gotten changed in front of one another many times, but today it’s different. Today they are looking at each other in a new light. Looking with lustful eyes.

He watches Joshua look over his own body and responds accordingly when Joshua pushes him back onto the mattress. He didn’t expect the other to return the gesture, but it seems he has no choice.

 Joshua is ferocious in his attack of Seungcheol’s cock. Not giving the older a chance to breathe before he feels the familiar intensity rise within his body. Unsurprisingly he doesn’t last long either and comes in no time. The two-lay back on the bed, side by side, breathing deep. There’re in no rush. It’s fairly early still and Joshua’s flight isn’t until tomorrow afternoon. Seungcheol’s asked his weekly driver to take them to the airport, so they don’t have to worry about public transport either and it means a little more time together.

After a relaxed rest period, involving getting drinks and bathroom breaks, the mood intensifies again. This time it’s Seungcheol who speaks. He’s not quite sure how to put it, but figures someone has to say it.

_‘Joshua, do you prefer to bottom or top? I’m fine either way.’_

Joshua responds quickly, ‘ _Can you top today? I kind of just want to be taken care of.’_

Seungcheol smiles at the way Joshua blushes whilst voicing his request. _‘Of course, Shua. Anything you want. Do you want me to open you up?’_ Joshua nods once and smiles back at Seungcheol opening his legs for Seungcheol to settle down between, once he’s retrieved the lube from the drawer he guessed was Joshua’s stash of things.

Easing one in slowly, Seungcheol feels Joshua tense up slightly and then let go. It must be a strange sensation if you’ve gone so long without it Seungcheol muses. He thinks of all the times, he’s done it, or had it done it himself and reminds himself to be gentle. The stretch can be so painful, if you’re not careful.

When Joshua’s breathing returns to a steadier pace, Seungcheol eases in another finger and gentle wiggles it. Joshua shakes and lets out a deep moan. Satisfied he’s making progress, Seungcheol continues his movements. Searching for the magical spot, the one you instantly know you’ve found when you find it.

It only takes moments and Seungcheol sees the instant change in Joshua’s demeanour. The panting grows quicker, and his eyelid flutter like the wings of a hummingbird in flight. The low moans increase in pace and volume, until Joshua is calling out for Seungcheol. It’s a beautiful sight. He pushes in another finger, shortly followed by a fourth. He doesn’t use four because he’s think he’s that big, but he’s afraid of hurting Joshua in anyway, so he would rather be overly cautious. Joshua’s tense as his body has built up to a point where it needs release. Seungcheol can sense the younger boy is losing his patience.

_‘Seungcheol…please…do it. Please.’_

The words come out like begging and turns Seungcheol on more. Having this boy underneath him, craving him in this way is addictive. Not having it in him to deny the boy anything, he rips open the condom he pulled out at the same time as the lube and massages his own cock, preparing it and rolls it on. Moving up towards Joshua’s head, he aligns his face with the other boys and kisses him gently.

Joshua responds with a slow and ardent kiss, whilst Seungcheol is lining up his cock with the now stretched out hole. He finds it with ease and slides in to the hilt. It’s divine.

Pausing, he checks on Joshua’s condition. The other looks uncomfortable, as to be expected. Joshua’s breath slowly calms down, as his body does and finally he relaxes. Seungcheol feels the change and takes it as his cue to begin rocking his hips back and forth. Building his pace as he pulls out and pushes firmly back in.

_‘More Seungcheol, a bit harder.’_

Obliging, he energizes his pace, wanting to give Joshua everything he asks for and more. Joshua and Seungcheol moan in sync, as they both respond to the repeated thrusts from Seungcheol. His mind begins to lose focus on reality, as he all he can see, and feel is Joshua.

Instinctively he speeds up, as he feels Joshua claw at his back and moan unreservedly. His hips punch into Joshua. As he reaches his peak, Seungcheol searches for Joshua’s abandoned cock and milks it for all its worth. He won’t be the kind of lover who leaves the other unsatisfied, whilst chasing his own high. Joshua whines and tenses up. Seungcheol thrusts harder and feels own release spill, thankfully his hand also becomes wet with the same type of release coming from Joshua’s cock.

He rests his head on Joshua’s shoulder, kisses his neck and showers praise over him. In return he follows Joshua breath as it slows down and hears the flow of compliments come from his lover’s lips. Contentment washes over him.

They clean up, shower and return to bed to cuddle. Emotionally iIt’s far from the previous moment but it’s perfect for them. Joshua will be leaving soon, and Seungcheol needs to absorb as much as he can of the other.

_‘I love you so much, Joshua.’_

_‘I love you too, Seungcheol.’_

\---------

The journey to the airport is brief, as Incheon airport isn’t far away. The drive is over in a flash, well at least it feels that way to Seungcheol. They get Joshua checked in and his one bag is dropped off in no time. He doesn’t need much for his short stay. A quick coffee is all they have time for before Joshua heads to security.

_‘Travel safe and call me when you get there, doesn’t matter what time okay. And take care of yourself. Rest as much as you can. I hope you have good trip. I’ll miss you’,_ Seungcheol stops speaking, overcome with emotion. How can a boy he’s only known for 3 months make him feel this way?

_‘I’ll call I promise. Don’t worry, you’ve got Jun and the boys. You’ll be fine, and I’ll speak to you every day. Honestly, I’ll miss you too. I love you, Cheollie. Take care of yourself and if you start to feel bad, you let me know okay.’_

Seungcheol nods and pulls Joshua in for a hug. Squeezing him tight and kisses him. Not caring who sees. Joshua kisses him back, gathers his backpack and makes his way over to security. It’s empty, so he sails through. Then one last wave and he’s gone leaving Seungcheol feeling empty and sad.

He begins the countdown for Joshua’s return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So surprise!!! I beta'd this myself, so I'm sorry if the tenses are a bit messed up. Most of it should be written in the present but I get a little confused sometimes. Was about time some action happened, don't you think? Let me know what you think. 
> 
> Summary: Joshua & Seungcheol have their own little Christmas meal together before Joshua leaves. Joshua gives Seungcheol a Christmas gift - a framed picture of the two of them from a previous (unmentioned) date. Things get passionate and the two have sex for the first time. They reaffirm their love for one another. Joshua leaves for LA to spend Christmas with his family,


	19. Backed into a Corner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this took a while & it's not very long! Thailand has been life changing. Don't worry I won't abandon this fic, even if it takes me all year to finish! :)

_‘Merry Christmas Joshua’_ whispers Seungcheol across the world to him _._

 _‘Merry Christmas Seungcheol’_ he offers back. It’s been a good trip so far. His mom being well enough to spend time with him in the run up to Christmas. She’s even going to do some of the Christmas cooking, which Joshua is secretly way too excited for.

His whole family is together and for the few days Joshua’s been here, he’s sent a few hundred silent prayers Seungcheol’s way. Joshua can’t believe he almost missed Christmas in LA. He just knows if he hadn’t have come, he would have been miserable. Even with his wonderful boyfriend keeping him company in Seoul. Christmas for Joshua means family, maybe one day he can have all the ones he loves close near him on this day.

 _‘How was your day?’_ Joshua asks the other.

Seungcheol’s Christmas is nearly over, and Joshua’s has only just begun but for these few minutes on the phone, they are enjoying the same day. It is late for Seungcheol, but he insisted Joshua didn’t get up an earlier than 7am. So here they are video messaging across the world at early o’clock. It’s a funny thing to be in love with someone, whose living in a different day. Joshua feels like a time traveller.

_‘It’s been good. Jun’s food was amazing, and I saw my aunt for dinner. All in all, pretty perfect except one thing you weren’t there.’_

Seungcheol’s in a playful mood, which makes Joshua happy. He had been worried about leaving his boyfriend alone for his first Christmas without his mother. Even taking the extra step to message Jun, who replied with assurances he would take extra care of Seungcheol this year. It was a relief to know his boyfriend had such a great best friend. So even when Joshua couldn’t be there for him, Jun would be.

_‘I miss you too. It’s was so strange this weekend, not to be with you. Home is great though. So, if I haven’t said it properly, thank you Seungcheol. This is the best gift anyone could have gotten me this year’._

Joshua watches as the other’s ears go red and a smile lights up his face.

 _‘Do you really mean it?’_ Joshua’s heart clenches. How could Seungcheol think it wasn’t the best gift? Oh, because Joshua can’t accept generosity from others without throwing a wobbly. _‘Yes, I meant it. I love you so much Seungcheol. You are actually the best gift I got this year.’_ Now it’s Joshua’s turn to blush.

_‘Aww you’re so cute Shua.’_

They spend the next 30 minutes chatting about everything and nothing all at once. Seungcheol goes through his small pile of gifts, thanking Joshua for the extra little one via the way of Jun - full of hot chocolate, candy canes and chocolate. Because to Joshua without those things it’s not really Christmas.

After this though, Joshua can tell Seungcheol is sleepy, because he keeps nodding off for quick bursts of time.

_‘Cheollie, I think it’s time to say goodnight!’_

_‘Nooooooooooooooooo, but I don’t wanna.’_

_‘I know babe, but you’re knackered, and I’ve got presents to open.’_ Joshua can see Seungcheol’s sad about saying goodbye but it’s only 8 more days until their reunited _. ‘Love you Cheollie. Sleep well.’_

_‘Luve you too, Shua. Don’t have too much fun and hurry back to me.’_

Joshua smiles, whispers goodnight one last time and shuts down the call, so he can enjoy the very thing he flew 5000 miles home for.

Christmas is over so fast, Joshua barely has time to blink. It’s a day filled with small gifts, the family already having spoken about forgoing big one, then a feast to feed maybe about 3 times as many people as were eating, and finally hot chocolate snuggled up with his mom on the sofa.

It feels perfect, maybe too perfect Joshua thinks but he shakes his head. Not willing to consider the possibility. AS Seungcheol always say, be in the moment and enjoy it because that’s the only way to be happy. Joshua could use some happy. He deserves it right?

\-----------------------

The week of Christmas goes by in a blur. Joshua has more family obligations, spends some time with his friends, talk to Seungcheol every day and of course, spends a lot of time at home with his mom. It’s one of these nights his mom finally broaches the subject they’ve been avoiding. Joshua’s jobs and his obvious exhaustion.

Even having almost, a week off, Joshua’s found himself tired every day and taking naps. He thinks it’s because he finally took a break, that his body is giving up a bit. When you don’t have the chance to take a breath it’s surprising how long you can keep going.

_‘Joshua, we need to talk about your health.’_

He knows they need to have this conversation but reverting to childhood, he stubbornly wants to refuse.

_‘I’m fine mom.’_

_‘Joshua, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. I’m sorry to tell you this baby, but you look like you’re the one whose about to keel over.’_

_‘MOM, YOU CAN’T JOKE ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT’_

Mouth gaping open at this mother’s insensitive joke about herself. He can’t believe she would even say that. He watches his mother try to suppress her giggles, but she can’t, and she laughs out loud. Long and hard laughs soon follow, and Joshua finds himself joining in. It’s good to laugh. It’s nice to see her laughing, and to feel himself laugh. He’s associated pain and sadness with his mom for too long now. His mother’s laugh was always one of his favourite sounds.

_‘Joshua the only thing we can do in life is laugh. However, I need you to listen to me. You must take better care of yourself. Can you promise me something?’_

Not knowing whether he can promise, he simply nods.

_‘I won’t ask you to give up your jobs, because I’m not insane and I truly appreciate what you’re doing for me. However, I need you to give up one of them and from what you’ve told me about them. I think it should be the evening job. You need to sleep more, if only that. It hurts me to see you so weak and unwell. I need you to be strong and to take care of yourself too.’_

The sound of his mom’s worry hurts. Looking the mirror each day, Joshua’s seen the dark circles around his eyes when he’s over done it. He remembers the aching in his limbs whilst standing at work behind the bar for hours on end. His brain thinks about how difficult it was to rise each morning before the crack of dawn to head to the coffee shop. If he’s truly honest with himself, he’s not sure how much longer he would’ve lasted. If anybody else had asked him of this, Joshua doesn’t think he would have even considered it.

However, this is his mom and what she says goes.

_‘I think I can do that.’_

_‘Thank you, my darling boy. One less thing for me to worry about okay. So now that’s out of the way, tell me more about this boy of yours. I want to know everything.’_

And with that, he tells the most important person in his life about the other important person in his life. He can’t wait for them to meet.

\-----------------------------------------------------

It’s New Year’s Eve, when the other foot drops.

Joshua’s been out with his friends because he’s decided to spend the evening with his family as he must fly back to Seoul soon. His friends however had been determined to see him, so they’d organised a mini goodbye/new years eve celebration. It’d gone on for longer than he’d planned, so it’s after 4 by the time he arrives home.

 _‘Mom, I’m home. Are you here?’_ Joshua calls out to an eerily quiet house. Usually there’s at least some noise. Someone cooking or the radio’s on but there’s nothing.

The silence is what scares him the most. He tries to tell himself not to panic but he can’t not. He knows he’s been too lucky lately. Too much good stuff had been happening. Frantically he starts searching from room to room.

His heart stops when he enters his mom’s room because she’s laying on the floor, unmoving. He doesn’t know how he does it, but he forces his body into motion and thinks of all his first aid training. Airway, Breathing & Circulation. He checks her airway, it’s clear. He lowers his cheek over her mouth, she’s breathing. It’s faint but it’s there. Lastly, he checks her pulse. It’s the same as her breathing. Slow but it’s there.

Joshua goes into automatic mode. He calls the ambulance. He calls his father. He doesn’t even think about Seungcheol or anyone else. All he can think about is his mom and the fact, she could die today. He was out with his friends and his mother was laid on her bedroom floor dying. He doesn’t know if he can forgive himself.

He wills her to live. He’ll do anything to get the money for the operation.

Anything. If only, she can survive this.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been feeling a bit of writer's block for the past couple of weeks, as this was a hard chapter to write. It's important to the story but to be honest I didn't want to to write too much of Joshua's home life. The next chapter takes us back to Seungcheol & some of the other storylines (excitement for some new couples!!!).
> 
> Your comments always make me smile & it's good to know people are still reading and enjoying my fic. So I'd love to know what your favourite moment of this story has been so far? Comment below & I'll tell you mine!!


	20. New Year's Eve

**Part One**

Jihoon doesn’t know why he’s taking Soonyoung up on his offer to go to a new year’s party at a stranger’s house. Well a stranger to him. It’s definitely not because he wants to see more of the face he can’t get out of his mind.

The whole thing started out innocently enough. His co-producer suggested he take some dance classes again to refresh his knowledge of idol dances, so the work he produced would work better for the K-pop market. He’d been annoyed to admit to himself, he’d spent way too long in the recording studio and not enough time immersed in the real-life world of music. He’d been passing through his university (he was taking a part-time music course) one day when he’d seen the sign advertising dance classes.

It had only supposed to have been for a few sessions to revive his knowledge and pick up some of the latest dance styles but the moment he’d met the dance teacher Soonyoung, he’d become addicted. Watching the other move to the music like it was the air he breathed, took his own breath away. Jihoon wasn’t a bad dancer himself, having learnt from an early age but it wasn’t his main passion, like the music he danced to was.

For Soonyoung though, it was part of his soul and every time Jihoon caught a glimpse of it, he fell harder for the other. The problem was Jihoon wasn’t very good at telling people how he felt and Soonyoung confused him a lot. He was always friendly towards Jihoon, but never over-friendly. Like this party invitation for example, it was clear when Soonyoung had asked he really wanted Jihoon to come but it definintely wasn’t a date, as they’d come separately.

Soonyoung had been like, ‘ _Jihooooonie, watch doing for new years eve? Please say nothing, I’ve got to go to a party and Shua won’t be there and I really want someone fun to go with. Pleaseeeee come with me’_

Well okay, it sounded more like Soonyoung needed backup for whatever reason, but Jihoon was going to look upon it that Jihoon was Soonyoung’s first and only choice after Joshua. In the few months they’d known each other they’d grabbed a few cups of coffee after class. Slowly getting to know one another. Each time Jihoon learnt more about Soonyoung, fell harder but he also knew the other was holding stuff back, Jihoon could tell.

So here Jihoon was, at Soonyoung’s friends party in the richest part of town in a gigantic penthouse. The view out of the apartment windows was incredible but he was struggling to take his eyes away from the view inside the apartment, which was of course Soonyoung. The owner, a Choi Seungcheol, who Soonyoung had quickly introduced himself to, had cleared away most of the furniture it seemed and turned the main room into a dance floor. Jihoon was enjoying himself immensely watching the previously mentioned other take over the makeshift dancefloor, blowing almost everyone else out of the water with a few simple turns.

The adjacent kitchen had alcohol, pizza and snacks set up in it. A mixed vibe and style, which reminded him of the many music parties Jihoon had been forced to attend and one of the many frat parties he’d been to in his time at the College of Music Seoul National University.

On arrival Jihoon had surveyed the party and realised he knew no-one there but Soonyoung. He hadn’t been too bothered, as Jihoon was one of those people who enjoyed his own company. Much preferring to watch the world rather than participating in it.

His quiet time doesn’t last long though as Soonyoung clocks him alone soon enough and bounds over, obviously unhappy Jihoon is not dancing.

‘ _Jihoonie I didn’t invite you to this party to sit in the corner like a loner. I command you come and dance with me, and don’t say you can’t dance because I literally watch you every week dance circles around every in my class.’_

He almost blushes at the words which come out of Soonyoung’s mouth. The slightly older boy has never said anything this close to a compliment, which puts Jihoon slightly on edge. He doesn’t drink much in general, but the one beer he’s had so far is not enough if Soonyoung’s going to continue behaving in this manner. Jihoon knows Soonyoung’s maybe on his third or fourth drink of the night, not including the shot Jihoon saw him do with a boy Jihoon assumed was Minghao.

_‘Okay, just one dance.’_

They hit the dance floor like it’s a club, joining half through one of the latest EXO hits. It’s a remix version of course, because K-pop is notoriously difficult to dance to without it being remixed. Jihoon knows because he spends half his life, remixing these songs for clubs under his stage name Woozi.

Nobody knows about this though, so when he realises the next song is his own remix, he laughs loudly into the face of a very puzzled Soonyoung’s. Slightly worried Soonyoung may press him for answer, Jihoon launches into a complicated dance move to distract him. Which works because it’s one from Soonyoung’s own dance class and Soonyoung can never turn down a challenge.

Soon it turns into a bit of competition on the dance floor, to which the boy Jihoon guessed as Minghao joins in. A few others try to get involved but it’s obvious the main competition is between Soonyoung, Minghao and himself.

There’s a moment when Soonyoung and Minghao end up very close together during a move and Jihoon feels awkward. They soon break apart, but it leaves Jihoon wondering what the story is there. Especially as he’s seen Minghao draped all along a tall boy, who’s currently loitering in the kitchen with Seungcheol but with one swirl of Soonyoung’s body around him, he soon doesn’t think of it anymore.

After about 10 songs instead of the 1 he promised, Jihoon shouts to Soonyoung he’s off to get a drink and some air, which strangely leads him to the rooftop. One that Seungcheol mentioned to him in the kitchen whilst retrieving his second drink. He’s really being wild tonight.

Surprisingly Soonyoung follows him shortly after, which leaves him pleasantly happy.

_‘Hey Jihoon, watcha doing out here? Whoa this view in incredible. I can’t believe Seungcheol really lives here you know. Well I know he’s rich but sometimes you just gotta see it to believe it, right? Wow Shua landed on his feet….not that he’d ever take a penny from him, if he didn’t have to. Wow I’m rambling.’_

Jihoon laughs. Soonyoung makes him laugh because he’s just so innocent and says what he’s thinking. Jihoon values honesty a lot. The last guy he dated was a bit of liar, who hated to hurt other people’s feelings. So instead of being honest, his ex wouldn’t say what he really felt, which of course in the end hurt Jihoon. For the longest time, he’d shut himself off from the world and new people but with Soonyoung he felt safe. Safe enough to come out of his shell a bit.

_‘Don’t worry Soonie, you can ramble to me.’_

Soonyoung blinks at him in shock, and Jihoon searches for a reason. Oh yeah, he’d never called him Soonie before. At least out loud.

‘ _You called me Soonie’._

_‘Oh yeah I did. Is that okay? I know we don’t see each other much but I really err…like spending time with you Soonyoung. If I’m honest, I actually…like you. Quite a lot.’_

Jihoon takes a deep breath and stares into the night. He really hates having to put himself out there and he totally didn’t expect to be doing anything of the sort tonight. He guesses this is the moment though. The moment Soonyoung either rejects him outright or they take the step into something new.

_‘Oh wow. I err...I don’t know……my brain’s a bit fuzzy right now. I just…’_

He lowers his head in disappointment, maybe there was something to that moment earlier. Jihoon wants to forget he said anything and crawl back into this hole. Reluctantly he speaks up again to say goodbye and takes a step away from Soonyoung, because he’d rather hang out on his own, than be a billy no mates at a party with the guy he likes, who doesn’t like him back.

‘ _It’s fine don’t worry. Thank you for inviting me to this party.’_

_‘No, don’t go’._

Looking back in shock, he sees Soonyoung has reached out towards him and looks more serious than Jihoon has ever seen before. It’s fascinating how someone so bright, can have such a determined look to him, almost at odds with his personality. Of course, Jihoon has seen the determined look before of course in class, but never with this serious edge.

_‘It’s not you Jihoon. There’s just stuff going on you don’t know about it. It’s difficult to explain. Well it’s not difficult, just hard for me to tell people but you see, I don’t how much longer I can be here._

_I’ve run out of money and my parents won’t…can’t help me. I thought I could get by until the next year when I can become a TA, which means extra money and some tuition paid but I won’t make it. I’ll have to drop out and I’ll have to leave Seoul. I don’t want to start something to just leave you. I like you. I do. I just don’t want to disappoint you before we’ve even begun.’_

It’s Jihoon’s turn to be shocked now. Having never been worried about money in his life, due to his parent’s wealth and their constant support of his dreams, his heart hurts for the other. He doesn’t want to imagine what it would be like to have to fight every day just to do what makes you happy.

_‘I could help you?’_

The words come out of his mouth because he can double check them. Soonyoung looks a mix of hurt and hopeful.

_‘How can you help me?’_ he responds cautiously to Jihoon’s words but it’s too quick. Jihoon doesn’t know yet, so he launches into an impassioned speech, which he hopes Soonyoung will hear.

_‘I…I don’t know but I’ll think of something. Please don’t give up yet. Try for a little longer. Don’t do it for me, but because you’re not only one of the most talented people I know but also one of the most hardworking. I’ve never seen someone pay so much attention to the flick of a hand or the turn of a foot in their dancing. Your dancing is like art. Don’t let it go, just yet.’_ The words tumble out before Jihoon can stop them. How he feels about Soonyoung’s dancing goes beyond how he feels about the boy himself.

_‘Thank you for saying that. I’ve been wondering for a while now whether I was being crazy for pushing myself like this. For going after an impossible dream. It’s reassuring to hear it from someone who dances as well as you Jihoon. I will try I promise but I also think I want to try something…with you too.’_

In the silence the two hear shouts of numbers being counted down and Jihoon watches as Soonyoung reaches out his hand once more. He takes it and they stare out into the city, watching the fireworks explode at midnight but really the fireworks are in Jihoon’s chest.

 

**Part Two**

Mingyu is a bit drunk. Well he has to be. He’s turned up to Joshua’s boyfriend’s party because he literally had no-one else to hang out with. All his friends having buggered off home for New Year’s Eve.

When they’d spoken before Christmas, Joshua had mentioned Seungcheol was having a party and that he was more than welcome to attend, even though Joshua wouldn’t be there. He’d of course flat out refused, but by the time the 30th had come around and he’d cooked everything in his house into frozen food containers. He’d realised he had to go out.

So here he was at a party in Gangnam of all places, drunk and alone.

Seungcheol had been a great host by introducing him to everyone. He’d even recognised a few faces from the coffee shop on campus and a few from Joshua’s life but everyone seemed to have their own friends tonight, which made him a bit sad. It wasn’t even that Mingyu was an unpopular guy. He’d just struggled to really connect with any one group, so he’d found himself floating from group to group. This resulted in him knowing a lot of people but also not really knowing anyone at all. Joshua was one of his closest friends, and even he had best friends that weren’t him.

Feeling sorry for himself, he made his way to the kitchen. It was still early for a New Year’s Eve party, around 10.30pm. Some guys were on the dance floor, dancing up a storm. After a while he realised the boys were Joshua’s closest friends.

Joshua hadn’t been exaggerating when he said they were both amazing dancers. He didn’t know who the short boy was though, but he seemed to be holding his own. Mingyu noticed Seungcheol talking to a tall boy in the kitchen, handsome with feminine features. He looked foreign to Mingyu but the kind of foreign beauty which just memorised you. This must be the elusive Jun. Joshua had been happy to fill him in on the little titbits of his new life during the quiet moments in class. So this  was kind of like reading a storybook, where you knew all about the characters, but they knew nothing of you.

To get away from the feeling of loneliness, which started to creep into his heart once more, he slipped away. Perhaps this year he would just witness the new year coming in rather than acitively participate. Mingyu didn’t really mind, as he strong belief in fate and knew whatever the world had in store for him would come to pass.

Making his way down the corridor, he noticed all the doors are shut except the one at the end. His curiosity gets the better of him and he pushes the door open to reveal a games type of room. There is a sofa facing a tv with various gaming devices attached but that’s not what captures his attention the most. What captures it, most is the boy sitting in the chair in corner with his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking.

Mingyu can’t tell for sure but he guesses the other boy is crying.

Oh hell, what the hell happened to make him so upset on New Year’s Eve but not so much he wouldn’t leave. Mingyu doesn’t want to spook the boy, but he doesn’t want to leave him alone and sad like this. If there’s one thing Mingyu is good at, its cheering people up.

_‘Hey, are you ok?’_ he calls out into the dark room. Mingyu doesn’t want to approach too fast but this person needs a hug for sure. The crying boy stills almost immediately and starts to quickly wipe his tears away, as if he can hide wetness around his eyes. Mingyu feels a connection between them, as he also tries to hide his own painful emotions. Because everyone always sees him as the happy guy, it means he’s built up a lot of walls to showing it when he’s sad. He thinks this boy may be the same.

_‘I’m fine. Please ignore me, go back to the party.’_

Again, Mingyu’s heart breaks. He was right. The boy’s walls are high, so he considers for a moment whether to fulfil this boy’s request. But it’s new year’s eve and Mingyu thinks no-one should be alone and crying on this day.

_‘Sorry my new friend. Not gonna happen. So wanna talk about it? Or we can just sit here together for a bit and you don’t have to speak. Whatever works for you because I got all night.’_

There’s silence for a while and Mingyu sees the other take a lot of deep breathes calming himself down, still furiously wiping his eyes. He wonders if the unnamed boy will speak again.

He does.

_‘I..I was just surprised about something and got upset. So, I made my way to the furthest room before I started crying and then I couldn’t stop. I…I...I’m sorry to have caused you any bother. You would probably prefer to be out there having fun.’_

Lonely words have been spoken. Poor guy. What on earth could have surprised him so much though? Mingyu’s not sure whether to pry any further, so he opts to reassure the other. _‘Please don’t apologise. I’m not here with anyone and I’d rather be here making sure you’re okay, than out there worrying about you alone in here.’_

He offers the now not-crying boy a small smile, which he gets back in return. The boy is looking up at him, obviously straining his neck somewhat, so Mingyu takes the seat on the sofa next to him.

Mingyu’s about to speak again when the boy shares more of his story. _‘I just never expected this to be his party. When Vernon mentioned it, he didn’t say whose it was, and it’s just been so long. I guess that’s why he didn’t connect the two of us in his head anymore, which hurts more. Why did it have to be Seungcheol-Hyung’s New Year’s Eve party I was invited to. I wanted to forget about him for one night and here I am at his apartment, the one he kept me away from. The life he didn’t want me to part of.’_

Not knowing what to say, Mingyu reached out and set his hand on the boy’s shoulder. Who on earth was he? How did he know Joshua’s boyfriend? When did he know Seungcheol?

‘ _You know Seungcheol?’_ It wasn’t an accusation but Mingyu really needed to know that Seungcheol wasn’t a terrible person right now.

_‘I knew him. We used to write together but something happened in April, and he stopped speaking to me out of the blue. I don’t know then, but I had fallen for him. Seeing him like this and seeing him happy, hurts. You probably think I’m crazy for not leaving but I wasn’t ready to.’_

_‘I don’t think you’re crazy. Sounds like it was probably awful for you. Did you ever find out what happened to him?’_ Mingyu’s sobered up a lot now and he has inkling as to what happened in April but it’s not really his place to say.

_‘No, never and now I just want to get out of here without him seeing me, but I couldn’t stop crying before, so thank you for distracting me.’_

Now there’s something Mingyu can do.

_‘Okay, you...what is your name?’_

_‘It’s Wonwoo, Jeon Wonwoo.’_

_‘Great Wonwoo. Let’s start mission – avoid Seungcheol and get the hell out of here.’_

_‘You’re coming with me?’_

_‘Of course. This sounds like way more fun than hanging around getting drunk and missing my other friends. Plus, you look like you need someone today and I am happy to be that person. If that’s okay with you, of course?’_

Wonwoo nods at Mingyu and blinks back some fresh tears. God lord, he didn’t mean to make him cry again. He wonders how he can cheer the other up.

_‘Okay the mission is to get out of here without being seen by the boy in question? Shall we pick codenames. You can be writer boy and I’ll be cook boy.’_

Wonwoo looks at him like he’s lost his marbles a bit but also has a small grin on his previously tear stained face. Mingyu takes it as a win. He knows sometimes you just have to be as silly as possible to get people to be in the present and out of the problems of their past.

He continues in his spy tone aka whispering, _‘So I’ll head out and scout the corridor for enemy spies. Whilst you hang back. When I say it’s clear to go, we leg it to the door. We do not stop at go and collect ₩200000. Shoes, coats and out. Sound good?’_

Wonwoo laughs more openly now, seeing how into this Mingyu is. Mingyu’s happy too. At least he can make others happy, even if he can’t do it for himself lately. He walks over to the door and peeps out. The corridor has one person in it, but they’re walking towards the exit. It’s the short guy from before. He keeps watching and soon he sees Soonyoung’s follow the shorter one. Mingyu wonders whether they’re heading out to, this close to midnight.

After Soonyoung though there’s nobody for a few mins, so he gives the signal to Wonwoo whose waiting patiently behind him and they hurry down the corridor towards the lobby entrance, where just about everyone had dumped their stuff. Being a somewhat private party. Security wasn’t the biggest concern.

Mingyu rummages around for his shoes, whilst Wonwoo has already pulled his on and has called the lift. It doesn’t take long for the lift to arrive.

They almost make it but just as the doors slide open, they hear a voice behind them, which makes his companion jump out of his skin.

_‘Wonwoo? What?....why? Are you…?’_

Mingyu turns in slow motion to see it’s Seungcheol whose come through the door, obviously wondering where so many people were slipping away to. Mingyu’s sure he was not expecting to come face to face with someone from his past.

He glances towards Wonwoo, whose eyes are filling up again and he feels something lurch in his stomach. For the first time this evening, he’s angry at Seungcheol for treating Wonwoo this badly in the past. So he speaks up for his new friend.

_‘Don’t worry Seungcheol. Wonwoo didn’t know this was your party and we were just leaving. Have a happy new year, won’t you?’_

With that he grabs Wonwoo’s hand and yanks him into the lift. Neither of them wanting to watch the look of hurt, which has settled onto Seungcheol’s face, because really Mingyu thinks, he kind of deserves it.

\--------------

There’s silence again between the two, but this time it’s much more comfortable. They’re more at ease with other now and Wonwoo has officially stopped crying having left Seungcheol’s building.

_‘Thank You…err what is your name by the way? Other than life-saving.’_

_‘It’s Kim Mingyu at your service! Happy to report for duty.’_

For the first time tonight, Mingyu sees a proper smile stretch across Wonwoo’s face and knows in his gut, this is why he came out tonight. To find this boy and save him.

_‘So Wonwoo, are you thirsty after all that crying? Maybe a bit hungry too?’_ Mingyu teases the other because he feels like they’ve reached a comfortable spot in their new friendship.

_‘Yeah, I kind of am’_ comes the reply from a now shy looking boy, as if he’s realised Mingyu is a cute guy whose just basically asked him on a date at god knows what o-clock on New Year’s Eve. Beaming Mingyu responds but with more of a flirty, cheeky response than shy because he’s Mingyu.

_‘Okay I know the best spot in town and we’ll definitely get in.’_ He knows there was reason he cooked a 3-course meal today, and he guesses this is it.

Thankfully Wonwoo goes with it and doesn’t question him when they arrive at Mingyu’s flat. It’s nowhere as big as Seungcheol’s nor Joshua’s but it’s home and he likes living alone for now. He’s been waiting for someone to live with but has never quite found the right person.

He reheats dinner, and they both sit on the sofas to eat. Comfortable in each other’s companionship on this night. Glancing at his watch, he realises midnight and new year is long past, but it doesn’t matter because for the first time in ages, he feels he’s in the right place at the right time with the right person. He just needs to give that person some time to get back to a better place and then maybe, he doesn’t know for sure, but maybe he can be their person instead.

 

  

**Part Three**

For the 100th time that night Seungcheol glances at the clock on the wall. He’s a bit of a mess. The last time he heard from Joshua was when the other messaged him when he woke up that morning but after that nothing. He sent a text at 4pm wishing a Happy New Year with no response.

He’s freaking out.

The party had been a good one, well at least for those attending he hoped. Seungcheol had spent the better part of night missing Joshua and then the last few hours distracted by seeing Wonwoo looking like he’d been crying and Joshua’s friend Mingyu kind of shouting at him about it. The guilt had hit him like a freight train and he felt the pressure of his feelings hit him hard. Without Joshua to talk to, he could feel the emotions and bad thoughts lurking beneath the surface. Ready to strike and tear him down.

Currently, he was staring at his phone silently praying for his phone to go off. Desperate to hear from the other. He didn’t care about new year’s now, he just wanted to know if everything was okay with the one he loved the most.

As the hours pass, Seungcheol gets more and more desperate. He even reaches out to Minghao and Soonyoung, neither knowing anything. He can’t sleep for worry the next night either. He knows Joshua is due to get on a plane at 4pm LA time, which is 8am for him, so he waits up to see if Joshua checks in online. One of the perks of buying the tickets through his travel company. It’s at this point he finally hears from the other.

_‘Seungcheol, I’m really sorry I missed New Year’s Eve. I’m just about to board the flight and then I have to head to work. I’ll see you soon.’_

He quickly jumbles a response together. Joshua sounds weird and Seungcheol doesn’t like it.

_‘Is everything okay? I was so worried about you.’_

_‘Everything is fine. I’ll text you when I land.’_

But it’s not okay and Seungcheol knows it isn’t but like every time with Joshua. He’s left out in the dark, and alone. He wonders if they will be able to face what is coming their way.

He sends one last message to the other, _‘I love you Joshua. See you soon.’_ It’s left on read with no response. Seungcheol feels heartbroken. Maybe this was what he deserved for what he did to Wonwoo. Punishment.

The thoughts spiral and he glimpses the abyss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some new Character POV's this chapter - I hope you liked them. We won't hear too much from them but I couldn't leave Wonwoo or Soonyoung too sad now could I?
> 
> Thank you for telling me your best moments, it made me smile so much. Thank you for reading as always and letting me know what you like about my story. Love hearing from you. 
> 
> Anyone else adore the #BooSeokSoon comeback - eeeeeeek! <3


	21. Bad Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. That is all.

Joshua wasn’t sure how he was functioning. At all. It was like a robot had taken over the real Joshua and was working his limbs for him. It was scary but also the only way he could even move one foot in front of the other. Getting on the plane had been the hardest part of his plan but he had to do it for her.

Seeing her lying in on the floor unconscious had been one of the worst moments of his life. Something he could never unsee nor forgive himself for allowing to happen. This was his fault. So, it was his responsibility to fix it.

He also knew it wasn’t fair to shut Seungcheol out, but he couldn’t deal with anything right now other than his plan. All of his energy had to go into ensuring he made the money in the shortest amount of time possible. The doctors had said his mom wouldn’t last more than two weeks without the operation. They needed the deposit money now.

Joshua had spent all night sat in that eerily quiet hospital waiting room. Praying for his mother to survive. He hadn’t even been able to contemplate what he would’ve done if she’d died. Thankfully she was just unconscious, but it was only, so her body could focus on keeping her alive.

Her time was running out, which meant Joshua’s time was running out.

Deep down he knew if he asked Seungcheol for the money it would be in his account before he could finish his sentence, but Joshua couldn’t ask for the money. He reasoned to himself that if he could find a way to get the money himself, then he wasn’t putting his mother at any risk. It had been 2am when the thought had struck him.

Hadn’t Mingyu said some kid in their class was asking around about exams? About whether someone would take his for money? Big money.

Ludicrous. Stupid. Unethical. Ridiculous. Just a few of the words which came to mind after his initial thought but the more he thought about it, the better the idea sounded. Kim Samuel wasn’t it and they had the re-sit period right after Christmas. Surely, he needed some of those taking and he could ask for the full amount.

It could work.

Before he could chicken out, he’d sent a message on KaoKao Chat to the boy in question. For something so unethical, it had been surprisingly easy to arrange considering the boy replied in minutes, not hours.

_‘That would great and yes I can pay the full amount. It’s 3 re-sits. They start on the 3 rd.’_

And that was that.

Joshua had spent as much time with his family as he could and then packed his bags to get on the plane back. It was only as he was just about to board that he remembered he probably should contact Seungcheol. And even then, he managed no more than a few sentences. Joshua wasn’t exactly thinking straight, and he couldn’t lie to Seungcheol. It was easier to keep him at arms-length. The less lies the better.

Being apart from Seungcheol hurt. He’d come rely so much on the other to soothe his worries and take care of him, so to actively shut him out not only hurt Seungcheol but hurt himself too. The worst part being he knew this was all so dumb or him but he didn’t seem to be able to take any other course of action.

He’d also gotten messages of concern from Minghao and Soonyoung, replying to them both with the same _‘I’m fine. Don’t worry’_ probably made them worry more but what could he do. Joshua had a 13 hour flight to brush up on his knowledge and then he had to take re-sits for someone else. Breaking both the law and his own ethics but he would do anything for mom. Anything,

\-------------------------

The flight seems to take no time at all and Joshua hasn’t slept. He has a certain level of pride and if he’s going to take someone else’s exam, they’re going to do well. He only briefly worries what will happen between him and Seungcheol. Something bad mostly likely. Joshua’s kept him away for so long but it’s not important right now. That’s what he keeps telling himself.

His Mom is the only thing that matters.

He lands, boards the train and gets home without even realising he’s done most of those things. His thoughts are in a haze. His world is in a haze. It’s the evening of the 2nd now, and he has to get up soon to take the exam. Samuel’s sent more information and asked for his bank details whilst he was in the air.

It’s all starting to feel a bit too real for Joshua to cope with. Coming home should be a relief. He was so excited to see Seungcheol and his friends but now he’s dreading seeing them. The thought of speaking to them fills him with terror and he almost throws up. Though nothing would come out as he hasn’t eaten in 24 hours.

Entering his apartment, he breathes a sigh of relief at finding it empty. He figures he probably has enough time to drop his stuff, make some ramen and head to bed without any questions. When he does finally crawl into bed, the tears finally threaten to fall, but he reminds himself once again, he can cry tomorrow. There’s always a tomorrow for crying.

Waking up Joshua feels completely out of it. He must have passed out from sheer exhaustion the night before. If he’s honest with himself, he’s probably not at all in the right frame of mind to even tie his shoelaces, never mind take a 2nd year biology exam but he doesn’t have a choice.

He feels a ball of anxiety grow in his chest cavity. Yesterday he’d felt short bursts of anxiety but nothing as excruciating as this. This feels like someone has punched through into his chest and has a hold of his stomach, twisting and squeezing it. He feels like he can’t breathe but he needs to move. The exams started at 8am sharp and it’s already 7.05am.

On checking his phone, he registers the 10 missed calls - 4 from Seungcheol, 2 from each of his housemates and 2 from home. He’d told no-one of his arrival because what would he say, and he can’t respond now either. How could he pretend he was okay? Not when his mom is back home lying in a coma, dying. No, it was better he did the exam, got the money and then deal with the shattered pieces of his life. Of whatever was left of it.

He gets 3 steps out of his apartment before he’s confronted by a very angry but also worried looking Seungcheol. In his sleep-deprived and jetlagged state he almost automatically reaches out to hug the other but at the very last moment manages to contain his emotions. Showing Seungcheol how badly he’s hurting right now, would make the other force him to speak. This in turn would result in Joshua being asked about the truth. Something he isn’t ready to talk about.

No, he has to push Seungcheol away right now. No matter the consequences.

 _‘What are you doing here?’_ Even to Joshua, his voice sounds cold.

Seungcheol stumbles in his response at Joshua’s eerily stony tone. _‘I…was worried about you. You didn’t answer my calls, and no-one heard from you. I wanted to see if you were alright. Did something happen Joshua? Are you okay?’_

Of course, he’s here to make sure Joshua’s okay. It’s so like his boyfriend to care even though he’d being treated badly, that he almost gives in again. He feels weak and it makes him want to push Seungcheol away. Strength. Joshua needs strength right now to do what he’s got to do.

_‘Okay, as you can see I’m fine and I’m actually late for work now. I need to go.’_

Joshua doesn’t miss the look of pain which shoots across Seungcheol face or the way his body droops lower at his words. Joshua is a bad boyfriend.

 _‘Oh, okay’._ It’s obvious it’s not okay but Joshua can’t do this right now. However, he does weaken for a moment.

 _‘I’m sorry Cheol. I really do have to go’._ And he leaves Seungcheol waiting.

\--------

Panic kicks in on the way to the exam hall and Joshua starts to second guess everything about his choice. What on earth is he doing? Who is he kidding? He isn’t this person. The anxiety starts turns into physical symptoms, with his heart speeding up and his breath becoming so short he can’t pull in enough air into his lungs. For a moment he wonders if this is what you call a panic attack, but he blacks out before he can finish the thought.

When he awakens, he finds himself lying on a bench with a cold cloth on his forehead. Joshua’s whole-body aches and he still feels out of it, even with his eyes open. He even thinks he sees Seungcheol above him, face full of worry.

In his dream like state, Joshua whispers out _‘I’m sorry Cheol’_ but doesn’t hear the answer which comes from the mirage of his boyfriend before he falls back into the darkness.

The next time he wakes up, he’s in much more familiar surroundings. He recognises the books on the shelves and the unpacked suitcase on the floor. Joshua is at home. Throaty groans emit from his throat, as he takes in the pain which is emanating from his whole body. This is apparently what happens when you go into shock, take a ridiculously long flight, don’t sleep or eat and then stress yourself out trying to take someone else’s exam. Figures, huh.

Slowly he peels open his eyes once more, having shut them because it was just too bright to handle. He notices his desk chair pulled up beside the bed, as if someone has been sat watching him. A suspicion grows in his mind, as to who it could be, but really could it be anyone else? Joshua knows if the positions were reversed it would be him by Seungcheol’s bed. His suspicions are confirmed when the door creaks open slowly and the said person in question pops their head around to survey the situation.

A small smile hits Seungcheol’s beautiful face, happy to see Joshua is awake and okay but then it’s gone and replaced with the misery Joshua saw before. Why does he keep hurting the one he loves? It’s like he destined to hurt Seungcheol over and over but he also can’t be someone different. He’s a boy with a sick mom, who needs money. Joshua’s not in a place to consider other’s feelings, much less his own but as with everything, every choice has a repercussion and he guesses for them, this is that moment.

 _‘Joshua. How are you feeling?’_ Seungcheol looks so vulnerable in this moment. SO much so, that Joshua wants to reach out and pull him into a hug so tight, one where he reassures the other that he is loved beyond all doubt. Seungcheol deserves nothing less but Joshua is weak and afraid of what’s going to happen, he can’t. He’s a coward.

_‘I’m okay.’_

He’s not but why stop the lies now.

_‘Shua, please tell me what’s going on. Why were you near the exam halls? I asked Seungkwan and he said you’d asked him to get cover for today, so I know you weren’t going to work. Why have you gone so cold? What happened in LA? I’m sorry I know I said I wouldn’t pry but I can’t take it anymore. I’ve let you into my whole life and you just keep pushing me away. What is it that’s so bad that you wouldn’t let me in. Please Joshua, I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore. I love you so much, but this hurts so bad.’_

Joshua stills. It sounds so much worse, when it comes from Seungcheol’s own lips. Is that how he’s been making him feel all this time? Pain. Maybe Seungcheol would be better off without Joshua.

He doesn’t know how to respond or what to say. He still feels weak and as a way to buy time, looks around for a glass of water. Seungcheol sees what he’s doing and get the full glass of water that’s been waiting for Joshua from the desk. Handing it silently to Joshua.

Three large gulps and he still can’t calm himself down. Something bad is about to happen he knows it.

Where does he even start.

 _‘I…..I…..’_ He trembles and his kind, beautiful boyfriend sits down next to him to grab his hand because Seungcheol is too perfect in so many ways and it makes Joshua feel even worse. Relishing the moment for 3 seconds more. He bathes in the love he is receiving and then gently pulls his hand away.

_‘My mom is a coma, Seungcheol.’_

Seungcheol’s jaw drops and then snaps back shut as quickly. Joshua continues.

_‘She’s been sick for 6 months and I’ve been working all this time to save enough money for the operation, which will save her life. She’s dying and I have to save her.’_

There’s hurt in his boyfriend’s eyes, as he realises what Joshua is saying to him and why he’s not told him the truth. It’s about the money. It’s always about the god damn money.

 _‘You…you needed money for an operation to save your…your mother’s life and…you...you didn’t ask me...because…because…’._ Words fail Seungcheol’s, as if his brain is failing to process the information because for him, this sounds insane.

_‘Cheol…please try to understand. I can’t…I just can’t take money from you. I wouldn’t use you like that. I couldn’t have you think, even for a second, that I was with you because I wanted your money. You told me so many stories of people who used you for your money that left you hollow inside. You’ve suffered so much, with that and then your mother. I knew you would give it to me, if I asked. So, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t do that to you. Please understand…’_

Joshua feels desperate now, as he sees Seungcheol expression turn from shock to sadness to something different. There’s an anger he’s never seen before in his eyes now. Joshua looks away in embarrassment and fear.

**_‘You didn’t ask me for money to save your mother’s life knowing I lost mine. You didn’t ask me for money because you thought I would think you were the same as everyone else. You didn’t ask me for money because you were so stubborn, that you’ve almost killed your own mother over it.’_ **

The anger pours out of Seungcheol in waves. With each sound, his voice gets louder until he’s shouting, and each word is like a hammer to Joshua’s heart. It hurts so badly. He’s right but at the same time, Joshua can’t hear this right now.

Seungcheol’s is practically accusing him of murder.

It’s not fair for him to judge so easily. Joshua has his reasons.

_‘How could you do this Joshua. I thought you were better than this. I don’t even know who you are anymore’._

The words slice open Joshua’s heart and he panics. Well if he’s going down, he may as well go down fighting he thinks.

_‘Wow coming from the man who can’t even get behind the wheel of a car because he’s so afraid.’_

Oh god, what did he just say. It doesn’t even make sense, but he needs to make Seungcheol feel as bad as he does right now. He can’t cope with how much it hurts to be judged by the person he loves.

Joshua can’t be the reason his mother dies. His stubbornness can’t kill her. He can’t cope. He can’t do this.

_‘I guess I’m not better than this and if you don’t know who I am then perhaps you should leave.’_

_‘Leave?’_ Seungcheol’s anger gives away to confusion.

_‘Yes, leave and don’t come back. Ever.’_

Even Joshua doesn’t know what he's saying but all he knows is that he needs Seungcheol to leave, so he can break down in peace. He needs to fall apart, and he can’t have anyone witness it. There’s only one step between him and a complete melt down.

 _‘Joshua, are you breaking up with me?’_ The tone coming from the other boy is as cold as ice. Joshua flinches. Seungcheol continues in the same manner. _‘Because if you are, I’m going to need you to look me in the eye and say it to my face.’_

Oh god. Seungcheol’s not going to give in easily but this is for the best. If they’re not together anymore, then Seungcheol won’t be in any pain because of Joshua. His secret’s will no longer hurt the other. He’ll be better off.

He’ll be better off without Joshua hurting him.

Raising his eyes slowly, Joshua drinks in every part of Seungcheol he can. So far today he hasn’t seen much of the other and only now does he realise how unkept the other look’s. Perhaps Seungcheol needs Joshua as much as Joshua needs him.

No, Joshua pushes the feelings of doubt away. This is the right choice, the only choice.

He sees the boy who took care of him, even when he didn’t know why he had to. The broad shoulders he’s lent on, so many times whilst watching films. He sees the rosy lips, so soft to touch with his own lips and lastly, he sees the doe eyes, which are now filled with so much pain.

Determination and pain.

 _‘Seungcheol, I want to….to break up._ ’ He stutters only once, and it’s so brief he wonders if the other notices it. Seungcheol doesn’t move an inch. They hold eye contact for 30 long and painful seconds. Each reliving every moment which has led them to this and trying to map the contours of each other’s face to memory. He sees Seungcheol take in a deep breath and firmly say the next words.

_‘Okay, Joshua. I’m going to leave now. Please take better care of yourself.’_

With that Seungcheol gets up, picks up his bag from the side of the bed, unseen by Joshua and walks out of Joshua’s life for the last time.

Joshua holds his breathe for a whole minute, until he hears the front door shut softly. Seungcheol never having been one for dramatics.

Then he heaves a huge body wreaking sob. And then sobs again.

He can’t keep it in anymore and his mind lets go of all the pain in one go. The tears fall like a never-ending waterfall and puddle on his lap, but he doesn’t care about that now. All he knows is that he’s lost the love of his life due to his stubbornness and his mom is probably going to die because he couldn’t even take one exam.

Only a few minutes pass before he feels warm arms enclose his body from both sides. He hears soothing words come from his two best friends in the world. They don’t need responses from him to be there, they just are. Joshua sobs and sobs until he runs out of tears, then his body just dry heaves as it tries to cry but can’t. Minghao and Soonyoung are still beside him, having laid him down at some point and surrounded him with their own.

He feels nothing, and the one single thought he has before he passes out again is _‘If my mom dies, then I will have nothing left to live for without Seungcheol. I may as well die too.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #cheolsoo nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo - ma poor baby. He's not thinking straight - I've no idea what Seungcheol's thinking but argh. I'm sorry.......
> 
> :)


	22. Time to Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the tense issues - had to edit myself, as my beta is super stressed at the moment!

Minghao is a practical boy and he doesn’t really do emotions. He has them of course, and when it’s appropriate he speaks of them but in general he prefers to lead a less dramatic life than say Soonyoung. However, seeing how distraught Joshua is has left him feeling emotional, plus trying to keep Soonyoung calm is always a difficult task.

Seungcheol had left their apartment with only one sentence, _‘Joshua broke up with me. Please take care of him.’_ They’d both been stunned to silence. Joshua had broken up Seungcheol, not the other way around. Minghao had been sure Seungcheol would reach breaking point first. Ever since the New Year’s Eve party, he’d basically been going out of his mind with worry for Joshua.

To be fair so had Minghao but again he didn’t like to show how he was feeling. Jun had noticed something was wrong when he’d visited on New Year’s Day, but he’d brushed it off. There were other important things to worry about, not just Joshua. Soonyoung too.

He hadn’t meant to pry but the letter had just been laying there on the table, half stuffed back into its envelope. The red lettering had been what had caught his attention – the unmissable words of Late Payment had caused enough worry for Minghao to break his own code of conduct to never snoop through his housemate’s things. It turned out Soonyoung hadn’t fully paid his school fees for the last term and if he didn’t pay by the 10th January, he wouldn’t be able to return to school. Something Minghao couldn’t let happen but he’d had to briefly let it go through the New Year’s Eve.

He’d considered many options to try and help Soonyoung. And although his family were well off, they weren’t that well off. Soonyoung needed help in the long-term kind of way. Some way to get more money coming in regularly. Plus, Minghao had a feeling Soonyoung wouldn’t take that much money from anyone anyway. He was like Joshua in that manner. Pride being their biggest downfalls, but he’d never judge them for that.

So all New Year’s day Minghao had wracked his brain for ideas to help Soonyoung but only been after speaking to Soonyoung, who’d mentioned he just needed more people to attend his classes regularly because then he would have enough money to pay the tuition weekly, did he think of throwing an event to get more people aware of Soonyoung’s class. Simple. By turning it into a bit of party etc, their small group of friends could pull enough people together and it could make enough of an impact to help Soonyoung. Joshua’s meltdown the day before had put a small spanner in the works, but the distraught boy had been mostly sleeping today and the event was due to happen on the following Saturday.

After some initial hesitation, Soonyoung had agreed. Minghao didn’t like lies, so he’d been upfront about seeing the letter and wanting to help in this way. Thankfully because Minghao wasn’t exactly giving him money he was up for it. Soonyoung had even mentioned inviting Jihoon. Minghao hadn’t really paid much attention to the smaller boy before, mostly because they’d only gone to the same class a couple of times when Minghao hadn’t been able to go at his usual time. It was both normal and off putting for Minghao to see Soonyoung with another boy.

Of course, it didn’t really matter to Minghao what Soonyoung did. He was a free agent, but Minghao did observe at the party a strange feeling in his stomach when he saw how close the two were dancing. So much so, he’d found his slightly drunk self, joining the dancing to alleviate the feeling. It had turned into a fun dance competition, one Minghao had felt the need to beat Jihoon in, which he feels he did.

As the night had worn on however, he’d become drunker and increasingly annoyed by the other boy’s presence. Then when Jihoon had left with Soonyoung following, Minghao had been bothered more than he wanted to admit to.

Later he’d mentioned it to Jun about why Soonyoung though was so special about Jihoon, but the older boy had not really responded with a proper answer and had given him a weird look to boot.

The half-muttered answer from Jun of, _‘Why do you care?’_ would need to be tackled on a less drunk occasion.

_\-------------------------_

In the present, Minghao is busy organising the event at the dance studio. Seungkwan at the coffee shop has offered to spam every customer until Saturday with a flyer for it and his boyfriend Vernon, who was a part-time DJ for the university radio, has offered to do a shout-out for it as well. Minghao has created a group chat on Kakao and invited everyone he, and his housemates knows, which surprisingly is a lot of people. Vernon has also offered to do a bit of DJ set and Seungkwan is going to bring refreshments from the Café. He’s pleased with how well this planning is going.

So, in a brief break from it, he makes his way to check on Joshua. Between them, Soonyoung and Minghao are watching over him, like Seungcheol had asked them to. Joshua hadn’t really been able to tell them what had happened himself, but Jun had filled them in after hearing it from Seungcheol, who apparently, was a mess too. It was sad, Minghao thought, for two people who obviously loved each other very much to fall apart because they were unable to communicate their feelings properly.

_‘Hey Shua,’_ he calls softly to the lump on the bed. Joshua has taken to being curled up in the smallest ball possible in the centre of his small bed. Probably trying to hide from his feelings. Minghao can’t imagine what Joshua is going through. Soonyoung having finally admitting the truth about Joshua’s mum to him after the panicked calls from the Seungcheol had started. It hadn’t been a surprise, but it was good to know for sure. Now he can take better care of his friend. The fragile looking boy opens his eyes a crack to see who is coming into his room but when he realise it’s Minghao, his face falls slightly. Minghao doesn’t take it personally. Joshua should want to see Seungcheol in his opinion. Minghao offers a small smile and Joshua smiles back.

_‘How you are doing buddy?’_

Minghao is good at taking care of people in the physical sense but not so much in the emotional one. He’s often told he’s too practical with his emotions, and that people don’t always want solutions all the time, that sometimes they just need to be heard. The only people he really tries hard to hear is Shua, Soonyoung and Jun.

For everyone else it’s just too exhausting ** _._**

_‘Can I get you anything? Some food perhaps?’_ Minghao is aware Joshua hasn’t eaten much in days, and probably needs food sooner rather than later but he doesn’t want to push the broken boy.

_‘Hey Hao. I’m okay…ish. My head hurts…. I am a bit hungry.’_

It’s a beginning, Minghao figures.

_‘Of course, I’ll make some fried rice, meat and veggies. How does that sound? Plus, I think you should try and stay awake for a bit. Do you feel up to coming through to the kitchen to keep me company?’_

Soonyoung and Minghao have decided Joshua shouldn’t be allowed to wallow. He would never forgive himself if he didn’t sort this thing out with Seungcheol before it’s too late and wallowing will just delay what needs to be done. Joshua’s stubborn personality often works against him, so he requires coaxing out into the open to really examine his feelings.

Frowning slightly at the thought of leaving bed, Minghao watches as Joshua comes to the conclusion that he should get up. ‘ _Okay, but I want some coffee too. There’s some in the cupboard that Seungche….that I have. Please can you make me that?’_

_‘Whatever you need, Shua. I’m right here you know. You’re not alone okay.’_ Minghao wants to be reassuring in his words, Joshua needs all the love and support he can get right now.

_‘Thanks, Minghao. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I know you are, both of you. I don’t know what I’d do without you._ ’

It takes 10 minutes for Joshua to join him and he’s now in tracksuit bottoms with a loose t-shirt. Joshua also has his phone out and is texting quite animatedly. Minghao wonders if he’s been in touch with his dad because he needs to, his family are worried. Thankfully Soonyoung has been keeping them updating with everything.

_‘oh god. I can’t believe it’._

Minghao almost drops the pan he’s using due to Joshua’s outburst.

‘ _Can’t believe what?’_

_‘Someone’s paid for my mom’s surgery. All of it. She’s going in now.’_

_‘That’s great news.’_ He hesitates for a moment before continuing. _‘Isn’t it Joshua?’_

_‘Yes, it’s great but it’s also horrible. Don’t you see? Who do you think has paid for it? Who has that much money, that they can just pay for some stranger’s operation? It must be Seungcheol. Oh god, I’ll never be able to face him now. What have I done Minghao? I sent him away and he’s still taking care of me. I don’t deserve him. I love him so much.’_

Minghao watches as his best friend loses it again. This time because he’s both happy and sad. It’s a sight to behold. He’s not quite sure what to say. Personally, he thinks Joshua should’ve just asked Seungcheol for the money ages ago but then he’s always been better at separating money from feelings. Jun knows Minghao isn’t with him for his money, and he’s happy to accept gifts and treats when Jun wants to spoil him. Maybe it’s because he knows he could buy them for himself if he wants to and he doesn’t have any financial burdens like Joshua.

_‘Joshua, it’s going to be okay. I promise it will be. I agree it was probably Seungcheol but right now, you just need to focus on getting better and waiting to hear about your mom. I’m going to need you to take 3 deep breathes. Starting with this one….so in 1…2...3’._

It’s hard to see Joshua so upset and Minghao is also worried about Joshua’s mom but it’s not the right time to show Joshua those emotions. He needs to focus on helping both Joshua get through the next few hours until his mom gets out of surgery and to finish organising the dance class party for Soonyoung. It would be no good to fix Joshua up to only have Soonyoung fall apart.

After food, Minghao steers Joshua back to bed. The other boy is still unwell and not coping well with what’s going on.

_‘Hao, do you think my mom is going to be okay?’_

He’s not one to lie, so he doesn’t try to sugar-coat the situation.

_‘I don’t know Joshua. I really hope so though. I’m going to pray for her and I think you might want to too. She’d getting what she needs now, so that’s all we can focus on. Try to sleep and I’ll come wake you up around the time you said the surgery should finish okay. I’ll be right here if you need me and Soonyoung will be home in a few hours.’_

_‘Okay Hao, I love you.’_

_‘I love you too, Shua. Sleep okay’._

Minghao watches his friend for a while, and sees the restlessness turn into a steady breathing pattern in a few short minutes. He’s a little surprised Joshua has managed to drift off, considering what’s happening on the other side of the world, but he guesses it shows how unwell Joshua is.

He sends a few words of prayer up and leaves the boy to rest before whatever comes, comes.

\-----------------------

5 hours later, with the event all organised and a returned Soonyoung, the two make their way to Joshua’s room to wake him up. The surgery should be done by now, being a short but life critical operation. Minghao cautiously knocks and enters upon hearing Shua’s voice, ‘ _C’mon in guys.’_

Joshua’s sat on the bed crying like before, but it feels different. They look like happy tears but Minghao doesn’t like to jump to conclusions.

_‘Guys, she made it. The surgery worked. She’s going to live. My mom is going to live.’_

The boys hurry over to their friend. Minghao thanks to anything that’s listening for sparing the life of his friend’s mother and reaches over to both of his best friends for a group hug.

In that moment, they are just three boys who are happy. Minghao only starts crying, when he catches Soonyoung crying his eyes out on the other side of Joshua.

\-----------------------

It’s finally the dance party event, and Minghao’s starting to feel nervous. It’s not even for him but a lots riding on today going well. His best friend’s future is on the line.

_‘Are you okay, Minghao?’_ Jun asks him for the 10 th time that night. _‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just worried something’s going to go wrong or that it won’t work._

Jun gives him a look, which says there’s more to be answered here but they don’t really have time for a conversation. They haven’t really had chance for one all week. Ever since Joshua had gotten back, collapsed and then the drama with the operation, Minghao’s had barely five minutes for his boyfriend.

_‘I’m also worried about Soonyoung. If this doesn’t pay off, then he’ll have to leave and then I just…’_

Words fail him, as he contemplates a future without his best friend. It doesn’t really seem real and for the first time he feels unable to control his emotions. He turns to his boyfriend looking for some comfort, whilst he tries to navigate the unusual feeling.

_‘Jun, what’s going to happen if this fails? Do you think I won’t see Soonyoung again? Will we survive it?’_

_‘I don’t know Minghao, I can’t predict the future you know.’ The_ words come like a slap to the face and Minghao has no idea how to respond. He finds it difficult enough to share his emotions with people, so to have them rebuked so harshly is a painful blow.

_‘Right, I guess I’ll go check the music is sorted.’_ Minghao turns to leave sharply, not wanting Jun to see his eyes glisten. Goodness knows, he’s been weepy as of late. So out of character.

_‘Minghao…wait…I’m sorry…I..’_

But it’s too late, Minghao’s already half way across the dance floor and isn’t in the mood to deal with apologies. Not when his best friend’s future is in jeopardy.

The class fills up fast with more people arriving all the time. They’re using the biggest studio in the dance academy, but it looks like it might not be big enough. Minghao and Soonyoung quickly decide they’ll have two sessions and the food will be laid out in the second small room, with some music from Minghao’s phone playing. It’s a quick solution to the problem.

Minghao sees Jihoon arrive at the last moment, and is gob smacked to see a small group of idol looking people following him in. Making his way over to where Soonyoung is chatting to Jihoon, he manages to catch Jihoon’s explanation.

_‘I brought a few people from work, they’re all trainees but they love to dance, so I thought they might be able to help spread the word. If you’re good enough that is…’_

For some strange reason, Minghao sees red. How dare Jihoon try to upstage him at the event he organised for Soonyoung? Is he trying to rub it in or something? Not wanting to make a scene but needing to vent his anger, he makes a quick exit and heads to the roof for a few minutes to calm down. He’s not sure why he’s so angry to begin with but it’s there and he’s feeling it.

Barely making it to the roof, Minghao hears his name being called and the sound of footsteps following him. It’s Jun and for once, it’s the last person he wants to see right now. Especially whilst trying to figure out what on earth these feelings are.

_‘Why did you leave? I thought you were going to introduce Soonyoung.’_

_‘I will in a moment. I just needed some air.’_

_‘Why? What happened?’_

Minghao really wants to just deal with this by himself but he also knows, he has to share this thing with Jun. It’s not fair to keep him out. Joshua and Seungcheol are the perfect example of what happens when you don’t let them in.

_‘Jihoon basically gate crashed the event and brought idol dancers, making it all about him and I just got annoyed.’_

_‘You got annoyed because Jihoon brought the kind of people who could make this exactly as successfully as Soonyoung needs it to be and you’re mad? Why?’_

Jun’s words make sense but for some reason they make Minghao madder. It’s not like his reaction was reasonable in the first place and he knows that but to then his own boyfriend come and question him.

_‘I don’t know Jun. I just don’t really like this Jihoon guy. I mean what does Soonyoung even know about him? And then he just waltzes in on the event I organised? It’s not like Jihoon’s stepped up to help him.’_ He turns away frustrated by his own words.

_‘Minghao, are you jealous of Jihoon?’_

Silence rings out across the rooftop. Minghao doesn’t even know how to process Jun’s question never mind answer it but he has to because Jun is looking at him with determined eyes and it’s making Minghao afraid.

_‘What….what do you mean am I jealous? What would I be jealous of? Are they together?’._ Minghao can hear it in his own voice. He’s jealous of Jihoon and it hits him like a ton of bricks. He’s jealous of Jihoon being with Soonyoung? Because….because he ….. he can’t even consider it.

_‘Minghao, I’m only going to say this once. I like you a lot, you know that, but I also think you have a lot of feelings for Soonyoung that you’ve never dealt with. And I’m not just saying this because of tonight. Whenever the two of you are together it’s like this whirlwind of emotion. There’s something between you two and I need you to talk to him about it because I like you too much to keep watching from the side lines. Please talk to him and then come find me when you make your choice.’_

Silence rings out again. Minghao gobsmacked by Jun’s words. He has feelings for Soonyoung?

It sounds absurd but also in a small part of his heart it sounds right. There’s a zing in his soul, one that lit up when Jun spoke those words. Jun reaches out to hug him, to which Minghao pulls him close.

Unsure of what to say, Minghao reaches up with his lips and places a small kiss of the elder’s cheek and whispers, _‘Okay, Jun. Okay.’_

Jun leaves and Minghao heads back to the party, with his mind in a spin.

\--------------------------------------

It’s gone midnight by the time they make it home. By all accounts the night was a huge success, with them taking over 450,000 won on the door plus a secret donation of another 450,000 won. Minghao guesses it was Jun because he didn’t see Seungcheol all night.

It’s enough to keep the University happy and Soonyoung’s had so many people sign up to his classes, he has to start two new ones next week. It’s the best kind of outcome but Minghao’s unhappy.

Jun’s words are haunting him. He has to say something but it’s impossible when he doesn’t even really know if they are his words or Jun’s feelings. How can he feelings for Soonyoung? His best friend. The one who he tells everything to. The one he shares his most private moments to but in the safety that it doesn’t mean anything more than friendship. He’s even shared things about Jun to Soonyoung. It’s embarrassing now. What will Soonyoung think of him?

Snapping him of his thought spiral, he hears again the question of the week, ‘ _Are you alright?’._

Minghao figures this is as good as time as any to bring it up. It’s not going to go away and in fairness the longer he leaves it, the more stir crazy Minghao will go. Thankfully Joshua’s nowhere to be seen, having disappeared before the event had begun. He hopes he’s gone where he should but Minghao also believes it’s Joshua choice to make.

_‘I’m errr not sure really. Jun kind of mentioned something earlier and I’m a bit confused but it’s awkward to say….so I errr.’_

Minghao’s never this tongue-tied normally but it’s the way Soonyoung’s paying attention to him that makes him squirm inside. It’s a deeply earnest look, which has Minghao wanting to reach out and grab the other boy, and smash their lips together. It’s such a shocking thought though that Minghao jumps a little in his own skin and take a small step back. Trying to regain some composure.

_‘Go on, what did he say?_ Soonyoung is only encouraging.

_‘He said….he said…Jun said there’s something between us and that I was jealous of Jihoon and I have feelings for you but I….I can’t, can I?’_

The words rush out of his mouth in a desperate attempt to air all his dirty laundry in one go. By the shell-shocked look on Soonyoung’s face, the other boy hadn’t seen where this conversation was going at all. With silence filling up the space between them, Minghao wonders if that’s the theme of the night.

_‘You have feelings for me? Since when?’_

_‘I don’t know Soonyoung. I wanted to tell Jun he was wrong, but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t come out. He said we have something when we are together, and he didn’t want to watch from the side-lines anymore. I know I care about you deeply, but I’ve never considered anything more than best friends but now he’s said it, I can’t get it out of my brain. I’m so sorry, I’ve made things awkward for us.’_

He pauses long enough that Soonyoung jumps in.

_‘Minghao, don’t apologise. You’re the last person to make this awkward. I should have told you this a long time ago but I was in love with you for a long time. I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m sorry that Jun would even pick up on that. I tried to hide it.’_

He what. Soonyoung what?

Soonyoung loved him. When? How? Could he really have been that oblivious to Soonyoung’s feelings?

_‘You loved me Soonyoung. Why didn’t you tell me that?’_

_‘I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. Our trio. Plus look even now you’re not sure.’_

_‘I could be though….’_

Minghao doesn’t really know what he’s saying. He’s running off fumes of feelings and whispers of past moments.

_‘But you don’t though. I think you did once, more you could have, but you don’t anymore. You love Jun now, I know you do and I really like Jihoon. I think we missed our moment Hao. I was really in love with you but I’m not anymore.’_

Stunned and confused, Minghao turns away. A love confession and a rejection in the space of 3 minutes is a lot for anyone to handle. Soonyoung is right though. When he compares what he feels for Soonyoung to what he feels for Jun it pales into comparison.

His feelings for his best friend are like those of a crush on the kid you met at summer camp. An intense and deep connection, but on that ultimately fades as you grow up. What he has with Jun, make him feel like he’s come home.

_‘When did you get so smart, ehh?_ ’ Minghao questions the other boy, taking a few steps towards him. They may not be destined to be together but there’s one thing he wants to do to pay homage to those feelings _._

_‘Soonyoung, I love you very much, but I don’t want to be with you. You’re right and I’m the happiest I’ve even been with Jun and I think you will be very happy with Jihoon. Having said that, please can I kiss you for the first and last time?’_

Soonyoung looks shocked, but Minghao’s determined. He doesn’t want to have any what-if’s floating around in his relationship with Jun. He steps closer to Soonyoung, who looks nervously at everything by Minghao.

_‘Hey you, it’s all going to be okay. You’ll see.’_ Minghao whispers and pulls Soonyoung towards him. Their lips slide together with ease and Minghao encourages the other to allow Minghao to explore their mouths. He throws in all the passion that’s been awoken from its dormant state within him and he feels Soonyoung return the fire. They press their bodies as close as they can and Minghao feels Soonyoung reach into his hair to pull him closer.

But then it’s over. They pull apart and stare at each other. It’s mesmerising.

Minghao studies the planes of his almost loves face, wondering whether in a different lifetime how well he would have come to know those curves because that’s what this is, a love destined for a different Minghao and a different Soonyoung. Their hearts belong to others, but they’ll always be intertwined.

_‘Soonyoung, I love you.’_

_‘Minghao, I love you too. I’m starving, can we make some Ramyun?’_

Nodding, the two raid the apartment’s Ramyun stock, and Minghao whisks off a message to Jun.

_‘I’ve spoken to Soonyoung and we agreed to move on with our lives. I choose you Jun, and I hope you choose me too.’_

It only takes a minute for the reply to come and Minghao’s heart swells.

_‘I’ll always choose you.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooooooooooo so this concludes the Minghao/Soonyoung story line & I guess the adjacent ones. Not long til the end now....just a few more loose ends to tie up & of course we find out what happens to our favourite couple ehhhhhhh :)
> 
> Thanks as always for staying with me on this journey. I'll be sad to finish this but also happy, as I struggle to finish things often. So this will be a huge win for me :)
> 
> Hope you're all well & happy! #hwaiting


	23. The Other Side of Broken

Seungcheol feels broken inside. Like a light bulb with its filament burnt out. Where it still looks like a functioning light but is no longer able to shine.

The moment those words had left Joshua’s lips, Seungcheol had become frozen inside. Switching onto autopilot, as he’d done so many times before in the wake of his mother’s death. He didn’t even blame the other for reacting this way. Anyone backed into a corner would react to protect themselves.

Seungcheol knew better than anyone about how to protect yourself.

If he had any feelings left to feel, he would probably feel sad right now. However now there is only darkness around him and he’s in deep.

So deep he can’t even see where he ends, and the world begins.

He’d known something was wrong with Joshua from the moment Joshua had opened his door. looking looked crazed with a determination unlike anything Seungcheol had ever seen.

But there was also pain, so much pain and Seungcheol knew the thing Joshua hid from him was the cause of it. When the lie about work had slipped from Joshua’s lips, Seungcheol had followed him. It hadn’t felt right, but then none of what was happening felt right. All he could think about was the fact Joshua seemed to be in trouble and he needed to help him, whatever the cost.

When Joshua had collapsed, Seungcheol had felt his heart stop and the fear overtake all his senses instantly. He’d rushed over to the boy on the ground, quickly checking for his vital signs. Thanking whoever was listening for all those summers at camp learning first aid.

By the time Joshua had stirred the first time, Seungcheol had moved him to the bench near the exam halls, and a kind stranger had fetched a wet cloth from a bathroom. When Joshua had passed out the second time, seemingly form exhaustion, Seungcheol had taking more drastic action. Calling his driver and personal doctor to meet them.

Exhaustion and small bump to the head, his doctor had briefed him. Though he’d warned Seungcheol that Joshua’s blood pressure was exceedingly high for someone so young, and asked if he’d been under any stress.

Seungcheol had nodded.

Even if he didn’t know the cause of it, he would have been blind to not see how unwell his boyfriend was and that stress played a major role in it.

Waiting for Joshua to wake up had been further torture, but as a boy with exhaustion it was the best medicine he could receive. So Seungcheol let him be.

However, he’d ended up pacing up and down the flat’s corridor until Minghao had forced him to go home to change. Though he’d returned in record time, much to Minghao’s dismay. He’d been allowed to pull up a chair in Joshua’s room and wait it out. Mostly, he thought, as to not bother Minghao any longer.

Joshua had woken up in the early evening, having slept all day. His small fragile body looking broken from the tiredness, which seeped out from every inch of him. Seungcheol had just popped out to the bathroom, when Joshua had woken up properly. The conversation they needed to have had begun almost as soon as he’d returned. He just couldn’t sit on the side lines anymore and watch Joshua destroy himself.

Seungcheol had seen red when he’d found out about Joshua’s mom and the money.

It hurt more than he could contain, spilling out as an explosion of fear and anger. A stream of unedited consciousness that he didn’t know he contained within himself. His mother’s death leaving far more scars on his soul than he’d ever truly be able to understand to would ever be able to heal. HE would never be able to understand how someone could put their mother’s live in danger out of a sense of pride. Over money.

Money, Seungcheol thought, was truly the root of all evil.

_‘…leave…’_

At first. he thought he’d misheard Joshua. That he just meant get out, that he didn’t want to see him, but he was soon corrected.

_‘…leave and don’t come back.’_

Three words tied together had never been more impactful on Seungcheol. As much happiness the words I love you, the words don’t come back, took away.

They took away everything Seungcheol held dear and kept him afloat in the world.

They took away the one thing, which made giving up his dreams worth it.

The took away his reason for staying in this life. Without his rock, this version of his life became a burden he could not stand.

So, he’d said goodbye to Joshua without a fight. He wasn’t one for dramatic exits. He preferred to slip out without a sound.

\------------

Jun had come around instantly, Seungcheol assuming Minghao had let the other know, and tried to help him but Seungcheol had soon turned him away. This one he had to do alone.

He couldn’t move. Nor think about anything other than the boy who’d stolen his heart and then throw it back into his face when he couldn’t handle it anymore. What made it worse was now Seungcheol had to do something that would make Joshua hate him forever.

Because how could he not pay for it? How could he let the one he loved the most lose the person who was most important to him.

Locating the hospital records had been easy and it had been a simple case of informing his lawyer to make an anonymous donation. Seungcheol didn’t have anything else left to lose by doing so. Maybe one day Joshua would forgive him for stepping over this boundary but for now, he would do this to thank the boy for saving him from the depths of despair. From reminding him there were reasons to go on, and not all of them had to be about the company.

\------------

Later that day, Seungcheol hears from the lawyer that Joshua’s mother makes it out of surgery and then he shuts his phone off. He can’t deal with anything other than simply living today.

All Seungcheol can focus on is what Joshua once said to him on a particularly stormy night in his mind;

_‘Seungcheol whenever you are suffering always remember that **this too shall pass** , and you will come out the other side. You just have to remember to hold on. So even though right now, you might feel empty and have nothing left to cling on to. Just remember, this shall pass.’_

So although Seungcheol feels nothing and has nothing left to live for, he also knows at the same time that it will pass.

He’s more confident of that now. Before it felt endless. He has faith he will come out the other side and his feelings will turn back on. Now it’s more a question of when. And when they do he will be in excruciating pain but at least he will feel something and then maybe, just maybe, one day he will be somewhere nearer to okay than now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter this time but I really wanted to show you all how far Seungcheol has come, and how much of an impact Joshua has had on him. So whatever happens between these two, you know they helped each other and that they made each other better in many ways. 
> 
> On a side note, isn't Seungcheol such a sweetie - like he couldn't not pay for it you know. He wouldn't have been Seungcheol if he hadn't. Funny how characters sometimes write themselves.
> 
> As always thanks for reading - one more chapter from another character's POV to wrap up the MEANIE story line and then the final chapter!!! Wow I can't believe so many people are enjoying this story still. Thank you for all the views, kudos and comments. They cheer up on really difficult days. This week has been particularly difficult for many reasons but this story reminds me I can create good things, which people enjoy. To let you know, I'm off to South Korea on Saturday for 2 weeks, so I don't be able to write for a while. I'm planning to finish this story in June though, so please await the next chapter! #hwaiting


	24. A New Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I found time to write on my holiday!

Wonwoo sits patiently in the booth. It’s the same one he always sat in. Just sitting in this space makes him think of happier times, laughing and drinking coffee with Seungcheol, but now it also reminds him of crinkled eye smiles and over exaggerated gestures from a new person in his life.

He’d believed for a long time Seungcheol was going to be his big love story. You know the one you remember your whole life, whether the two of you make it or not. The one which teaches you so much about yourself and helps you step forward into your future a wiser person. Someone who has loved and been loved in return. Musing he admits it was a part love story. One where he loved someone but wasn’t loved in return.

Writing with Seungcheol had caused his heart to swell and burst open, exposing him to the thousands of feelings the human soul contained. In a way meeting Seungcheol had made him a better writer but not because the other had taught him about anything about the writing part. Rather Seungcheol had taught him about pain, love, loss, yearning. All emotions which helped him become a more empathic writer. Someone who could channel those feelings through his characters narratives, rather than guessing at what those feelings felt like in the real world.

Part of him was grateful to Seungcheol for teaching him about love. His grades had never been higher, even if the cost of those high marks were his broken heart. The biggest problem created by the broken heart was that he’d let it keep him down for so long. However, he also reasoned sometimes when you were sinking under the weight of your feelings, you needed a life buoy to help keep you afloat and in turns out for Wonwoo that buoy was a boy named Mingyu. 

After the new year’s party, Wonwoo had seen Mingyu every day. It was like the Mingyu fit into his life like the last piece of his favourite puzzle. He felt complete. There was no trying to make it work, it just did. The two hadn’t acknowledged this fact yet. Wonwoo has first figured it was just unspoken agreement between them. However, as the days had gone, he’d realised history was repeating itself. This was exactly what had happened between himself and Seungcheol. Wonwoo had assumed the two were on the same page and then silence.

Horrible, painful silence.

As much as he trusted Mingyu to be different than the other, he couldn’t do it again. Wonwoo needed clarity on what was happening between them. Maybe it was too soon but he didn’t want to be left lonely again and with another broken heart. This was why Wonwoo had invited the slightly younger boy to meet him at the coffee shop. Better to know than to wonder.

_‘Hey Hyung, do you want another drink?’_ Mingyu’s loud and energetic voice across the shop floor startled Wonwoo out of his thought spiral. He shook his head back. Wonwoo didn’t like to drink too much coffee in one go and he’d already been through two cups waiting nervously for Mingyu.

\----------

With the queue short for this time of day, Mingyu slides into the booth seat opposite Wonwoo in no time at all.

_‘Hey again. Is it everything alright? You seem so nervous on the phone earlier. Everything okay with Seungcheol? Did you see him again or something?’_

All things considered, Mingyu absolutely had the right to be worried about him. He’d been so anxious to ask the boy to the café today, knowing he could be ruining their potential relationship long before any kind of relationship might bloom between them.

_‘Oh no I didn’t. I’m okay. I wanted to talk to you about something though, which kind of is indirectly related to Seungcheol. I’m worried about it though, hence sounding anxious probably.’_

_‘Okay Hyung. Don’t worry. Take your time. As always, I’m here to listen.’_

Taking a deep breath, Wonwoo tries to relax his body. He feels stiff from working himself up. This is Mingyu. The boy who rushed to his defence within an hour of meeting him. The person who has encouraged him to talk about his feelings, to share what really happened between Seungcheol and himself, and helped him understand it wasn’t about him. That there were probably other things at play. He’s also the boy who has dropped a thousand hints about wanting to get closer to the older boy. Wonwoo’s not completely blind and if he’s honest getting closer to Mingyu has been so easy, like breathing in a way, something he doesn’t need to think about.

_‘It’s…it’s about us.’_

Mingyu’s eye widen but he says nothing. Letting Wonwoo hold the moment. He takes another breath, letting his nerves calm down as much as they will.

_‘If I’ve I learnt anything about what happened to me last year, it’s to not stay quiet if I’m feeling something because words left unspoken are ones you will regret more than ones you said. I can’t feel like that again, so I want to say to you Mingyu that I enjoy spending time with you and when I wake up I wonder if I will see you that day and I feel so complete when you’re around. And I know this is too soon to say stuff like this but well you know… and I err….’_

Wonwoo trails off, not sure what to say next. He’s done it and put it all out there on the line. It’s now up to Mingyu. The other boy is quiet, though Wonwoo can tell the cogs are turning in his brain. Wonwoo knows this face. It’s the face Mingyu makes when he’s trying to figure out how to say something difficult.

Oh god, Wonwoo thinks, he’s ruined it all. Mingyu’s going to reject him. But what comes out next throws him.

_‘Wonwoo, so first of all I want you to know. I feel absolutely the same way about you’._ Wonwoo relaxes, Mingyu continues, _‘but I do need tell you a few things. First of all, I found out why Seungcheol left you. His Mother died in a car accident and he had to take over the company, leaving no time for you.’_

Shock runs through Wonwoo’s body, as well as a deep sense of relief. Knowing it wasn’t something he did gives him a sense of closure on the almost epic romance of his youth. Allowing him to focus on the real love of his life, he hopes.

It looks like Mingyu has more to say. Wonwoo encourages him with a soft, _‘Go on.’_

‘ _And Seungcheol and Joshua broke up. Though I don’t think they’ll stay apart, I just needed you to know that before we continue this conversation in case it changed anything about what you just said.’_

Mingyu looks worriedly at Wonwoo and he feels sorry for the younger boy.  This thought process is not surprising to Wonwoo because although he has allowed Mingyu in somewhat, he has definitely been keeping him at arm’s length as well. Afraid to get hurt again, which of course has failed, hence this conversation. It has made for some awkward moments too, like the time Mingyu fed Wonwoo ice cream and he’d practically moaned at him. Leaving both boys bright red in the face.

Refocusing on Mingyu, Wonwoo realises he’s been too quiet for too long and the other’s eyes are starting to moisten.

_‘Oh god Mingyu, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. Thank you for telling me all that but you don’t need to worry about it, I’ve let Seungcheol go. Like I said when I wake up every morning it’s not him I think of, it’s you. I can’t think of anyone else besides you anymore.’_

_‘I’m really glad Hyung. I don’t think I could take another awkward sexual moan scene without jumping you.’_

Wonwoo’s cheeks turn a bright shade of pink, he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time.

_‘Mingyu, will you go on a date with me?’_

_‘Sounds good. I know the best coffee place on campus and I know for a fact you love it here….’_

Mingyu winks at him and goes to collect his order finally having realised Seungkwan’s been shouting his name for the past 5 minutes. Sliding back into the booth he smoothly says, _‘Ready to start that date Hyung. Did I say how handsome you looked today?’_

Laughter rings out in the café as Wonwoo realises Mingyu’s pulled out the cheesiest line on him in the history of the world but he loves it and secretly he probably loves the boy too.

And maybe one day, he’ll find some more courage and confess to his saviour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww meanie are too cute don't you agree? :)


	25. A Lifeline

He wants to be and doesn’t want to be here in equal measures. The part that does is screaming at him to take another step forward. A stride towards the other half of his heart, which resides at the top of the tower in front of him. The other part is only whispering, but the whispers of you don’t deserve his forgiveness and you’re unworthy of his love, sound a thousand times louder than the screams in Joshua’s ears.

The hospital has been keeping him updated on his mother’s recovery progress, as well as hourly updates from his dad. Joshua has spoken at length with his father, pouring out everything he’d been going through, and his father shed tears. Asking him why he’d isolated himself so much, because this was his father’s burden as much as his. Since then, Joshua’s been questioning himself repeatedly. Why had he tried to do this alone?

He’d realised he hadn’t done it alone. His friends had all stood by him and supported him in a thousand and one ways. And Seungcheol had been there to keep him afloat. It was Seungcheol who’d seen him through the hardest times and lifted his soul. How could he have kept him out in the cold? And not told him what was going on. Seungcheol had proven himself time and time again to be capable of respecting Joshua’s wishes. So, if he’d asked Seungcheol not to pay for it, he wouldn’t have it. In all fairness this revelation wasn’t completely his own making. In fact, it had come from the most unlikely of places, Kim Mingyu, who’d turned up on the Saturday intent on keeping Joshua company whilst the rest of Joshua’s friends were at Soonyoung’s dance class party.

Telling Mingyu about his Mom had been easy and admitting the truth about the exam cheating was difficult but not impossible. Mingyu had been understanding but warned Joshua he could still get into trouble if anyone found out. Joshua had nodded and confirmed he would accept whatever happened to him. Nothing else seemed to be as important anymore, other than the fact his mom would live.

Next, they’d moved onto the topic of Seungcheol. About how Joshua had just meant for it to be a job to pay his Mom’s bills but then something had happened. He’d felt the happiest in his life. That even though all the stresses of his life were going on, he had a shining beacon to guide his way his home.

How Seungcheol had understood him in ways he didn’t know he could be understood. That their souls were in perfect harmony of one another. Each knowing exactly how to take care of the other. A perfect fit.

Then Joshua told Mingyu of how he’d kept Seungcheol out. How he hadn’t wanted to take money from the other because he was afraid it would poison what they had. That Seungcheol would think Joshua was only with him for his money. But more than that Joshua was afraid to owe so much to one person. To put everything into this relationship, when who knew whether it would last. Joshua had spent so much of his life relying on himself, that he only trusted himself to do what was needed.

Trust.

Joshua had trust issues. Ones he didn’t even know existed and therefore had had no way to fix them. Again, Mingyu had listened. This time he was not so easy on Joshua and asked him, ‘Had Seungcheol ever broken your trust?’.

Joshua spoke of the flight tickets, of how Seungcheol had paid for them without Joshua’s permission and then lied about them because he hadn’t believed Joshua would accept them. Mingyu questioned whether Joshua’s behaviour or pushing him away rather than letting him in, caused this series of events. Was it really a betrayal of Seungcheol or an act of distrust from Joshua which started it? The tickets were an honest gift, but Joshua has forced Seungcheol to do things out of character, so that Joshua could live in this world where he didn’t need anyone else.

Mingyu had then asked Joshua if he thought Seungcheol would have ever paid for them knowing Joshua has specifically asked him not to? No, he wouldn’t have, Joshua replied. He might have tried to find other ways to support Joshua’s request but ultimately until Joshua gave him the green light, he wouldn’t have. He’s only paid for the surgery too, because Joshua still hadn’t asked him not to, he’s only said he couldn’t ask for it.

It was such a small revelation to have but it changed everything for Joshua, which explained why he was now here in front of the same building he stood in front all those weeks ago. The minutes were passing by and the air was growing crisper. It was well into Sunday evening now and Joshua had only brought his light coat with him. With the cold slowly seeping into his bones, he knew he needed to make a choice, to leave Seungcheol alone forever and let him get on with his life or to chase after his own heart and beg for forgiveness.

Stubbornness was what had gotten him into this mess and he decided it was also going to get him out of it. He was too stubborn to leave it at this. Seungcheol at least deserved a face to face thank you and apology. If he owed the perfect boy anything it was that and he was determined to make it happen. Perhaps his flaws could be used for good sometimes.

 

Step by step Joshua forces his feet to move towards the front doors, which surprisingly swing open without him having to ring the bell. Cautiously he steps into the lobby, an action as familiar as opening a car door.

_‘Good evening Mr Hong. Seungcheol is expecting you. Please proceed to the usual entrance.’_

Making his way to the private lift, Joshua feels his nerves jangle. How did Seungcheol know he was here? Does he know how long he’s been stood in the cold working up the courage to walk inside? It doesn’t matter though, he’s here now and can’t turn back. His stubbornness won’t let him. Thank god.

The lift speeds up to the penthouse at an alarming rate. He’s not ready, he’s not ready. Chest pumping up and down at twice its regular speed. The doors slowly peel open and Joshua finds himself again alone in the foyer. Joshua experiences deja-vu but this time he doesn’t call out for his new potential boss. Instead he presses forward into the place that feels like a second home to him, searching for the boy who deserves everything.

Heading straight for the living room Joshua soon sees the familiar mop of black hair but it’s the back of it. Seungcheol is sat in Joshua’s favourite place, looking out watching the city. He briefly wonders how long he’s been sitting there, maybe as long as Joshua has been sat outside.

The word _‘Seungcheol’_ flutters from his mouth in a hushed tone, in an almost reverent voice. It’s only been days since he’s seen the other boy, but it feels like a lifetime. Mostly because of the pain that came with it, knowing he’d destroyed the one thing he needed the most, had been excruciating.

After a long moment the as soft reply reaches Joshua’s ears;

_‘You finally managed to make it in the building then.’_

Seungcheol’s sentence cause Joshua’s body to start shaking. It seems it’s finally dealing with the shock of everything Joshua’s been through and the hours of cold Joshua just experienced. His legs can’t keep him upright, so he sinks ungracefully into the closest chair. This isn’t a rom-com, the real world impacts him like any other human being and his actions have consequences.

Seungcheol finally turns his head at the sound of Joshua landing not so gently on the sofa behind him. His face scrunches up into a look of worry and apprehension, as though not sure what to do with a Joshua who is clearly still not a 100% well. The internal argument only rages for mere seconds before Seungcheol’s true nature wins out and he gets up to hurry over to Joshua. Bending down on his knees before him and looking up into Joshua’s eyes with concern etched through them.

Joshua doesn’t deserve someone as pure as this boy.

 _‘Are you alright? You must be cold. Key said you’d been out there hours. I’m sorry I left you there, but I figured you needed to come in on your choice, otherwise it would be pointless. Was that the right choice? I don’t know what the right choice is anymore. I feel like I keep making the wrong ones. I’m so sorry Joshua.’_ Seungcheol drops his head into Joshua’s laps, trying to hide the tears which Joshua has already seen.

Stunned isn’t the word for it, but he can’t describe how he feels in any other way. Why is Seungcheol apologising to him? Joshua’s the one who fucked up. Joshua’s the one who should be begging for forgiveness, not the other way around. Before he says anything though, he instinctively puts his hands into Seungcheol hair and starts rubbing small soothing circles into it. Joshua feels Seungcheol raise his arms around Joshua legs and pull him into a strange type of hug, like he needs to be as close to Joshua as possible.

Joshua feels the same. He’s always felt the same.

They stay like this for a while. Each just absorbing the closeness they’ve missed. It’s been so long since they’ve even touched each other. That final kiss at the airport feeling like a dream of another life. Seungcheol’s tears have stopped now, and Joshua can hear his breathing becoming very soft. He worries the other is going to fall asleep in this uncomfortable position.

_‘Cheollie, don’t fall asleep yet. Shall we take a nap? And then we can talk properly when we wake up?’_

Joshua needs to ensure Seungcheol is taken care of first and foremost. They have all the time in the world to talk out what happened to them and to figure out if they have a way to move forward. Seungcheol sleepily nods his head, still in Joshua’s lap, so it looks a bit weird, but Joshua understands. He helps Seungcheol to stand, supporting the older, who looks exhausted. Like he hasn’t been able to sleep for days. He probably hasn’t.

Tucked up, Seungcheol looks far younger than his 22 years. Joshua lays beside him. Afraid to touch him, but he feels it’s okay to look and to stroke his hair. Seungcheol’s breath hitches softly every time he does, so he knows its appreciated. Eventually it seems like Seungcheol has had enough of the distance between them and pulls Joshua towards him in one swift motion. Joshua’s so taken by surprise, he doesn’t have a chance to stop it from happening. Not that he would have.

Joshua finds himself once again in the arms of the man he loves. It feels comforting but also strange. He figures if this is the last time he might get to hug the other, he wants to be awake for every single moment of it. He wants to trace the outline of Seungcheol face, so he can remember every detail for the rest of his life. He wants to love him completely.

And so, he watches as Seungcheol slips into sleep and Joshua feels the rise and fall of his chest against his own. Seungcheol’s as beautiful as the first time they met. His rounded face and soft black hair still compliment his milky white skin and the doe eyes he knows that sit just behind those close eyelids are as radiant as ever. Joshua knows he has to fight for this boy.

The warmth radiating from Seungcheol is overwhelming, and all the fight to stay awake leaves his body. He sleeps.

\---------------------------------

When Joshua awakens Seungcheol is missing but he hears familiar sounds from the apartment of a person moving about. Not sure what time it is, he reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone. The brightly lit screen screams out 4.30am. He’s not surprised considering what time they went to sleep.

He shuffles out of the bedroom keen to find Seungcheol as quickly as possible. He doesn’t like being this far away from him. It’s both sweet and sickening. It doesn’t take long for him to find the other boy, who is pottering around the kitchen making some food and to Joshua’s relief, some coffee. Seungcheol offers Joshua a small smile on entering the kitchen, to which Joshua offers a slightly bigger one back. Whatever happens they can at least enjoy this.

_‘I made you some of the coffee you left here, and I’ve just made some toast. I couldn’t sleep anymore.’_

Joshua nods in affirmation and suggests they take it to the sofa, so they can talk for real this time. Seungcheol only nods once in return.

Not knowing where to begin, Joshua just starts speaking. _‘I don’t know if you know, I assume you do but anyway, she’s okay. She made it. The surgery was a success. My mom is going to live….and…and it’s all thanks to you and…I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to thank you enough or repay you for this, but I need you to know how eternally grateful I am and that…I’m just so, so thankful.’_

Joshua bursts into full on tears. This wasn’t ever going to be a topic to which he could keep them in for. His mom means too much and his feelings towards Seungcheol’s actions are so complicated and filled with gratitude and pain. It’s overwhelming. To his credit, Seungcheol lets him feel his feelings. Only reaching out with a hand to place reassuringly on Joshua’s knee. It’s a comfort to feel it there and it allows Joshua to say the things he needs to say.

_‘I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you about her. I didn’t realise it before, but I’ve got some serious trust issues. I’ve relied on myself for so long. That I’d forgotten what it was like to truly trust someone. I believed you wouldn’t do what I asked, whether it was right or wrong. So. I just kept you out. It was stupid, and I know I ruined what we had but I just need you to know, I do trust you. I’m learning I need to learn to trust myself as well, and the other people in my life.’_

Seungcheol’s crying now too.

_‘Seungcheol I know I don’t deserve the right to feel this way, but I love you. I love you with every fibre of my being. These past 5 days have been the worst of my life. I feel like I’m missing a limb. That part of my soul is missing. And it’s because you complete me. You take care of me, as much as I take care of you. We are in balance. I’m sorry for making you feel any other way than loved and if you gave me another chance, I will try to spend the rest of my life ensuring you never feel this way again. I can’t promise I won’t be stubborn again, nor can I promise you us lasting forever but I know I want to be with you right now and if my mom’s situation has taught me anything, is that the now is all we have. Choi Seungcheol, will you forgive me?’_

The silence is comforting in a way to Joshua. It means Seungcheol is thinking about what he’s said. That he understands what Joshua is trying to say because it won’t be easy. Joshua can’t become another person overnight and neither can Seungcheol, but they can try to take care of one another. They can support and love one another.

Joshua hopes Seungcheol feels the same way.

_‘When you asked me to leave, I felt broken in two. It was a different kind of pain to the one I felt after my mother died because she didn’t choose to leave me, but you did. You left me Joshua. You kept me out the biggest part of your life and didn’t trust me. I felt so alone, even though you were with me. I hated you. I hated you because I understood you, and I knew what you were doing and that it wasn’t really about me. I hated you because I loved you and knew you needed to do that to protect yourself. I knew who you were, and I still do. I love you no matter what, whether you are stubborn for your own good or whether you don’t trust me. I trust you’ll listen to your heart in the end, and I trust your heart knows we’re meant to be. I love you Joshua. Every part of you, even the parts which hurt me. I don’t know if that’s a sane thing to do but I do. Thank you for coming back to me on your own terms.’_

Joshua leans towards Seungcheol unable to stay away. The words so perfect and so understanding. He still can’t understand how he got so lucky but he’s not going to question it anymore. He’s going to hold onto Seungcheol and never let go. The kiss is perfect, light and soft with a thousand words passing unspoken between them.

Seungcheol is and has always been his lifeline.

\-----------------------------

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG IT'S OVER!!!!! I'm legit so emotional right now. I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I've enjoyed writing it. It's been a long 8 months & this is the longest fic I've ever written. So yay me!! 
> 
> There is one more chapter to post, which will be an epilogue, so we can see where everywhere ends up. I hope I managed to bring all the storylines to a suitable ending. If there are any queries, they'll probably come up in the epilogue but let me know if there is anything you wanted to hear more about it etc. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading this, sharing your thoughts in comments & leaving me kudos. They've helped me so much more than you'll ever know. 
> 
> #cheolsoo forever :)


	26. Epilogue

Turning to check on Seungcheol, Joshua sees he’s already firmly sleeping. Seungcheol always falls asleep on the flight from Seoul to LA, which they take at least twice a year. Joshua’s made it a habit to come home regularly. His mom’s surgery, although 8 years ago now, was a life-long reminder to Joshua that he shouldn’t take anything for granted and thus going home is at the top of priority list. In a way it was a blessing in a disguise and has allowed Joshua to always be grateful for what he has.

Joshua’s phone bleeps with a message from Minghao. It’s a photo of their dog (Sungie), who Jun and Hao are babysitting whilst they’re away. Their friends were all a little too obsessed with their dog, to the point Joshua had to award each couple with dog sitting duties in turn every time they went away, which was actually fairly regularly. Joshua’s new job at the hospital took up a lot of time, and Seungcheol was kept busy by the company.

After their expansion into Thailand, the company had grown more and more each year, with branches now in Australia, America and Europe. Joshua’s English skills had come in hand more than once and Seungcheol had been grateful.

As more time passed, and Seungcheol had grown the business, he’d become happier with his decision to stay on as CEO. The memory of Seungcheol’s mother alive in everything he did. There were still periods when Seungcheol couldn’t face the world, but Joshua was always there to take care of him. He loved being someone else’s rock, someone else’s lifeline. As they always had been, they remained in balance.

This trip to see his parents had been a little unexpected for Joshua. Seungcheol had surprised him with tickets and plans a few weeks ago and thankfully he’d been able to barter the time off. He’d been working overtime as usual, but he was still wasn’t as busy as he’d been back then in the days of his multiple jobs. He’d been so relieved to finally let those jobs go. After the surgery there just hadn’t been a need to work that much and Seungcheol had insisted on helping him out with his schooling costs.

The only thing Joshua hadn’t let go over the years was the repayment of the loan for his mom’s surgery. Seungcheol had repeatedly tried to tell Joshua his mom was like family to Seungcheol, but Joshua had insisted. They’d even made a pact. Seungcheol would allow Joshua to repay the money with monthly instalments after he had graduated and in return Seungcheol was allowed to pay for Joshua’s school fees and help with his rent until he got a job. It seemed like a silly idea, exchanging money in this way but Joshua couldn’t completely give up who he was, and it did allow him to focus on his studies.

Actually, Joshua had only recently paid off the final instalment. The two had celebrated together with a movie night in the apartment they shared together. After graduating it had made sense for the two to live together. Joshua had suggested they find a smaller place for the two of them, which would be both of theirs and Seungcheol had agreed. They still lived in Gangnam but now it was a few storeys from the top and didn’t take up an entire floor. Joshua felt more comfortable and Seungcheol finally had a home, so he didn’t mind. There was enough room for Sungie too.

Their friends lived nearby too. Most of them having never left the city after graduating. Soonyoung and Jihoon had actually set up their own company two years ago and had studios in both Hongik and Gangnam districts. The two sides of their business catered to the musical and dancing needs of half the music which was being released. They were a successful duo and although they were very quiet about their relationship, Joshua knew Soonyoung was the happiest he’d ever been in his life.

Seungkwan now owned the Coffee Bean on Campus, and Vernon had become a semi-famous DJ. The two were as dorky as ever, and still very good friends with Seungcheol. They never changed how they acted, whether they were at a celebrity studded event or having a video game marathon in their apartment. Joshua loved them about them. They were the kind of people you should have in your life. The ones who loved you for you.

The only people who’d really moved away were Mingyu and Wonwoo. After they’d started dating, Mingyu had pulled away from Joshua. He’d apologised and had said he had to put Wonwoo first. Only a few years later did Seungcheol come clean about their almost love story, and Joshua had finally understood. Mingyu still sent Christmas cards each year filled with their news. The most recent one sent from Paris, with a picture of their new-born son, which brought tears to Joshua’s eyes. Wonwoo had become a writer having published two novels now, both sat on Seungcheol’s shelf, and Mingyu volunteered as a medic in the Red Cross, which was why they stationed in France on a refugee assignment.

Looking at Seungcheol, Joshua wondered again why they were visiting his family again so soon after their last visit two months ago. There was something he wasn’t telling Joshua, but over the years Joshua had learnt to be patient. Seungcheol always had a reason.

Later that night at the dinner Seungcheol had organised without his knowledge, Joshua found himself surrounded by his entire family and a group of strangers he didn’t know. Something big was going to happen. He knew Seungcheol well enough by now to know it.

Sure enough a few minutes later, his beloved boyfriend rose from his seat and tapped his glass twice to bring attention to him.

_‘Attention, attention ladies and gentlemen. First of all, I’d like to thank you for all coming here tonight and I want to thank my lovely boyfriend for having the patience of a saint. Don’t worry love, all will be revealed soon enough._

_Some of you are strangers to us but we are not strangers to you. If you’ll allow me to go back in time, I’ll tell you of a promise I made. Joshua’s mom, if you didn’t know, became very sick eight years ago and needed an operation which would save her life but even to this day it’s not a surgery which is easy to get or pay for. I was fortunate enough to be able to pay for that surgery and help this family stay whole._

_However, I also made the promise to allow my boyfriend here, Joshua, to repay every single penny to me, which I did. However, what he doesn’t know, and I hope he doesn’t kill me for. Is on the same day he gave me the first payment, I set up a foundation in his mom’s name created specifically for people who had loved ones needing the same operation. It was a fund to support those to save the ones they loved the most._

_Over the years, the foundation has now supplied 6 families with the deposit money to have the operation. Joshua meet the people who want to thank you for saving their lives and their loved ones.’_

Joshua is speechless.

There are no words.

The tears well up and fall before he can stop them. Seungcheol’s already ready with open arms to comfort him, knowing how much this would affect him. Soon his mom joins them and they all cry together. It’s exactly the kind of thing Seungcheol would do and it’s perfect. In a way it’s finally the redemption Joshua needed for the mistakes he made all those years ago. Six lives have been saved from Joshua’s hard work and Seungcheol’s big heart.

_‘Oh Seungcheol. This is beyond anything. You are incredible.’_

_‘Actually, I think you’re the incredible one here, but I know you’ll never accept that. So, go talk to them, get to know them. They’re kind of like our extended family now.’_

So, Joshua goes, and he learns about the lives of those he’s saved without really doing anything. He learns they have families, they have dreams and they have life. It’s the best gift Seungcheol has ever given him. He’s so grateful and even more in love with Seungcheol.

Perhaps it’s time Joshua asked the question that’s been weighing on his lips for so long. Ever since Minghao and Jun had tied the knot two years ago, the idea has been growing in Joshua’s heart. He’s know it’s time to make Seungcheol understand just how much he means to Joshua. Make Seungcheol understand how truly wonderful he is.

Tonight is the night.

Joshua’s going to propose, and Joshua’s pretty sure Seungcheol’s going to say yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done. I want to say a massive thanks to all my readers, with a special mention to rippedjuns for being such a great and supportive reader all the way through this. Your comments have really entertained me and kept me going :)
> 
> Thank you all!


End file.
